I'm stressed right now.

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I need someone to talk to , I feel alone right now. I feel stressed and don't know how to fix it.

I dont know if any of you still want to hear about my problems. I am worried you are gona start thinking I'm making it up.

I'm worried about that because my problems are so huge all the time.


My latest problem is that my family is broke. My parents have 600$ totall , thats it. So we may lose our house. My boyfriend said I shouldent worry because they can get more money comming in soon , but I can't help but worry.

I am also worried about my mother diying , I try not to think about it ( she is on oxygen , has copd and smokes) . I also think she is getting alzheimer's . I thought she was to young to have that she is only in her 50's.

But she keeps forgeting things just like my grandmother did when she first got it. My mother is getting her memory tested but I know my family wont tell me anything untill its very obvious she has it.

I am also stressed because I was going through my school notbook from highschool and it stressed me out. I had very tramatic experiences from school and home.

I almost had a melt down in the middle of church last sunday, I dident go today. I have to stop going because my church believes in the power of positive thought. That means when you think positivily positive things happen , but when you thing negetivily negetive things happen. This is making my OCD get bad again.

My life sucks , I feel worthless and feel like no one cares. I'm depressed and keep telling my self to suck it up . I feel like I shouldent be so upset about my problems , I feel like a drama queen .

I am mad at my neighbors for never helping me when my father phisicly abused me as a child .

I tried to help them when they needed me but they never helped me. They wont even let me rent a room form then so I can afford to move away from my abusive household.


I have been having meltdown's in my room and I keep wanting to hurt myself by bashing my head on the floor and pulling out my hair and scratching my skin with my nails.

I havent because I pound my fists into the floor instead, because I dont want to hurt myself. I dont want to get forced into the hospital.

I know why I feel like doing it, I feel like I should punish myself the way my father used to punish me. I feel like I am an awfull person and should be punished for crying and being emotinal , and letting this stuff get to me. (thats why he used to punish me)

I keep saying how stupid I am and I know that not true but I feel that way even though I know its not true.

If you guys dont want to hear about my problems just tell me and i'll leave here.

I understand why you wouldent believe me , I always have somthing going wrong.

People get sick of my complaining and tell me to get lost . Just tell me if that the case here.

Dear, you are not alone. There are over 21,000 people on this website now. And about 75% of them are aspies by my guess. The other 25% being parents, siblings, and boyfriend/girlfriend/coworker/best friends, trying to understand better the one they care about.

Also, Being from a traumatic background myself, it can feel as if you're worthless at times. It can feel as if you deserve whats happening to you. It can make you want to end your life in the worst of times.

YOU MUST LEARN OTHERWISE!! !! You are not traumatic, you are a SURVIVOR. You have SURVIVED. EVERYTHING LIFE HAS PUT YOU THROUGH, HAS FAILED TO REMOVE YOU FROM THIS PLANET. IF IT HADN'T, you would no longer be here. You need to not necessarily think positively, just realisticly. You are having a hard time at the moment. It may not get better for months, or even years. Fact of the matter is, YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE. You can look at your life and hate it for what it was, or thank it for what it has taught you to live through.

Money comes and goes, people live and die. But its the internal thoughts that lead us towards our destiny, and nothing is written in stone until the body is in it's COFFIN! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and refuse to give up. Thats the only way you'll make it through...

Talk. We are here to listen. We cannot fix things for you, but we can respond, we can hear, we can suggest.

As I read, there are thoughts that come to mind. They may not be comforting, but they are something to consider. Much of what you describe at the beginning is beyond your control: you cannot run their finances, you cannot control her illness or her decisions. You have endured and survived the past... you are strong. You cannot change what happened, how they treated you... but you can choose what to take from your past, and allow the rest to fall away. It is not easy, it is not immediate, and it may well take help from someone to guide you through it. Stay with the now, and focus on what you can do. You do not have to read those notebooks, unless you choose to; you do not have to subject yourself to the whims of your church, as you are your own person. Remain that strong person, and keep talking. We are here to listen.


M.

Thank you makuranososhi and Emoal6 for the positive words . This is what keeps me going .

I want you to know I am not suicidal I just feel like hurting myself sometimes. But I DON'T and I wont because I love and respect myself and my body.

I know why I feel like doing it.
It's because when I am having a melt down I usually have flash backs of my father beating me. Then I feel like hitting myself like he did.

I know why I want to, I know its irattonal, so I dont do it. He has done enough damage already, I don't want it to continue that way.

Thanks again for caring it means alot to me, a whole lot so thank you!

Hope today is a better day for you.


M.