I am lost

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I feel as though I just want to stay in my room and never leave.

Life has been tough for me. I've been bullied, rumors have been spread and the hawks that are the people in this hellhole have been attempting to tear me apart.

After I was pushed so far that I retalliated with violence, I feel like I've been living on edge. I am paranoid, I trust no one, and I've been crying in my head. Yet, I am forced to act as though nothing is wrong, as though I am fine. My friends aare all happy, they've pretty much forgotten about it now, Its been nearly two weeks. But I can't forget.

I want to cry, but I can't; the hawks see it as weakness. Thats why they attacked me, because they have always believed I'm weak. Because I am different. I am too sensetive, too different from them.

The school can do nothing. All they did about these damn people was to give the people who pushed me so far a lunchtime detention. Is that all my mental health is worth? And they won't do anything more about it, because those exact people are staying away from me. But the damage has been done, wounds have been inflicted, and I am scarred. If my scarring was physical, they would have been given some stupid suspension warning, but as it is mental they are let off. I'd take the psyical pain any day. Its so much better that this hell.

And I can't cry; its weakness to them. Its weakness to everyone. When I couldn't disect a chicken wing, they saw it as weakness. I feel dead inside.

How can I trust anything anyone says. The system has let me down, society has left me to die and no one has thought anything about how I must feel; everyone is all too happy to believe that I am weak, and that I attacked without being provoked, but do they give a damn about me as a person?

No, because to them I am nothing. No one gives a damn about my mental state, because as long as I am pshyically healthy it doesn't matter. And I am alone

EDIT: Okay, I know I must have sounded like a psycho in this post, but my knowledge of how to construct a resonable post goes straight out the window when I feel stressed

Last edited by FieryGatoh on 02 Sep 2008, 6:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

yeah, people are good at pretending that things are okay, even when they are not. but hang in there, it's just a small part of your life.

I think many of us have been there, hang on it is survivable.

we all feel for you.

What's important is that you have this forum to share your pain, and eventually, your successes (!)
Many of us have been through bullying. I was regularly invited to meet some bully after school so he could teach me a lesson. I remember quite clearly what a hell it was to go through. But remember, it passes. School changes, and people drop the whole bully stuff as they get older.

Yeah, I know. Thanks.

If I didn't have this forum to post on, I think I would go insane. Whenever I am with someone I am okay, but the moment I am alone I start to brood on it all, and then it starts crashing in.

I'm lost too.
I've been mostly in my apartment for the past two and a half months, staying up late and sleeping in all day so that I won't have to deal with the world, even if there might be something positive.
and I'm getting tired of the way life is. wasting away, but I can't seem to change. I guess I just don't want to that badly.
the only person I have for support in person is my mom, who's back to work full time, and she's 60 years old.
online... well I have one person I can talk to sometimes, who is a recent friend. but I'm pretty isolated.
I need to wake up from this dream. I don't know how.

Is there anyone in your family you can talk to? If so talk to them.
Allow yourself to have catharsis in private through crying or some other means. Crying isn't weakness at all. It's the bodies' natural way of getting rid of stress. If one keeps stress in, one will be devoured by it.

People can definitely be harsh. However in my personal experience, people get better over time. Also, your social skills will develope a lot.

And as cruel as some people are, remember a lot of insults aren't meant to be taken seriously.

You sound like such a beautifully sensitive person and it would be a shame if society changes that. Do you like to read? I find books to be a great distraction and a good way to build mental muscle. Maybe you can find something that interests you that will take your mind off of this.

I think it is so cool that you didn't want to dissect a chicken wing. Someday people will look back this sort of treatment the way we look back on racial segregation or other primitive social ideas.

I try to talk to people; My parents, my friends. But they never understand. To my parents I am just acting weird, and they don't understand that when I'm stressed there is nothing I can do about it, whilst my friends don't really pay attention and always turn everything into a big joke.

I love reading. Sadly, that is one of the factors that people pick on me. To read is, at this school, social suicide. I know people that haven't read anything for months outside the mandatory book we had to read this term. And that was very short. Not even 200 pages. But I always take a book to school, sometimes two at onces (excluding the english book). I love to just sit and read.

Being Sensitive is both a blessing and a curse. Because I am sensitive I am able to show compassion, but because of that I am deemed the weaker member of the pack. I want to protect animals and the environment, but that is worth nothing according to everyone else. Even my friends have abandoned the idea we origina;lly had, which was to start an animal welfare club.

To be honest, I don't get it. Why is it that the person with an ulra short skirt, painted on make up and has no further interests than fashion and boys is revered so much more than a person who wishes to do society some justice and campaign for human rights? I don't understand how this happens. It just doesn't seem right at all.

I read my whole way through middle school too. I got hassled a lot for it, but I just coped by reading even more.

It's not right - but in a teen group it does seem to have more importance. That unfortunately is teen culture.

I loved to read too ( when I was your age - and still do ) I read books for hours and hours, I would go the library and take out a huge stack of books and have read them all cover to cover in a day or two.
Try talking to some of the other people that you see in the library that are browsing the same sections that you are ask what they are reading at the moment? Or if they have read a book you are interested in - you might just find a friend who values the same things you do.
Maybe volunteering in the local animal shelter at the weekend - maybe there are some dogs that would love to go out for a walk. You will find other people that have the same value set as you, it may just take a little time. Poetry ( I can see that you like to write ) is a great release for those feelings that are so hard to express and live with sometimes. But take heart .. there are other people like you, wondering the same things you are!

Poor sweet FieryGatoh,

You need a hug and shoulder to cry on and someone to give you good advice. Let me give you evil advice instead.


I am over three times your age, but I still remember what it was like. I remember being told to walk away from confrontations and ignore the bullies and that if you attack them, you are no better than they are. You've probably been told the same.

Forget that nonsense. That is fine for dealing with adults in an adult setting like work. It will mark you as victim in school. One of my friends is a lawyer who also has a doctorate in psych and he worked at the state prison counseling inmates, he told me that one piece of advice he gave was that if you are in for 60 days or less and someone says "Give me your cake," hand them your dessert. If you're in for longer than that and someone says "Give me your cake," attack them with your fork. Yes, you'll get a week in solitary, but they will know that you're not worth the trouble. Otherwise you'll spend your entire time there being somebody's b***h.

But back to school. It doesn't matter if you get detention, as long as the bullies know that messing with you will only make their lives difficult. You say you always have a book or two with you, then you always have a bludgeon with you. This will put a quick end to any physical bullying. The emotional bullying is harder, but there are a few tricks I have learned.

Bullies need to be taken seriously. If you fight back, or cry, or deliberately ignore them, you are giving them validation. Instead, pick the person who has been spreading the rumors about, and for a day, or however long it takes, whenever you see him/her, giggle. Move up to chuckling, and eventually full laughter. Keep reminding yourself that this person is the most hilarious thing you've ever seen. When they finally ask "What's so funny?" just say "That you're such a loser." Keep laughing every time you see them. Yes, this may draw a physical attack. Try to provoke it in front of a sympathetic teacher.



I know that this is not the advice you want, and it's most definitely not the advice anyone else will give you, but remember that old age and treachery will always win out over youth and vigor.

Good luck and best wishes from




Your friend and bad counselor,



Ikari Gendo

P.S.

The point of my bad advice is not to get you revenge, which will not help you heal, but to let you know that you have the power to make the abuse stop, which will help.

Doing any sort of volunteer work is pretty much out of the question. My dad is pretty obsessive about keeping me safe, and seeing as I'm not even allowed to do the 2 minute walk down the shops in case of rapists or muggers, I doubt he'd even consider allowing me to do something like that. Sadly...

Fighting back has always been something I've struggled to control. I have been bullied all my life, every single time told never to fight back, and as a result I have gained some sort of a block about it. But that day I finally lashed out, I felt as though I was lashing out at every single person who had ever done me wrong. It was as though all that anger and hate was coming out.

I'm beginning to think that fighting back is the only answer. Think about it; I have been bullied my whole life, yet nothing has been done about it. Yet the instant I lash out, people seem to realise something has happened. Now, does this mean that I must finally resort to doing some serious injury before people acutally take proper notice?

After the incident, I saw them crying because they were worried they were going to be suspended. Everyone felt sorry for them. But for me....well, its been 4 weeks, and I still cry myself to sleep. Not only about this, but about all those times I've been the victim and no ones stepped in to stop it. And who gives a damn?

Everyone in my group loves to sit in the sun, but I detest the light. Recently I've taken to sitting by myself in the shade, reading my book and just enjoying myself, because I no longer want to have to put up with things I don't like and CAN change.

Towards what Saffy suggested, after whats happened pretty much everyone in year 8 knows what I did and detests me for it. No one treats me the same, not even my own friends. Their parents seem cold towards me too. Finding someone who would want anything to do with me and my record would be hard to find.

This is a poem I wrote a couple of days after the whole thing occured

I am a warrior who will not surrender
I am a loner who has been betrayed by society
I am a spirit who has been draped in chains
I am a wolf who has been banished from the pack
I am a person who feels no regret
I am a ghost who has died on the inside
I am a human who has lost all faith
I am a girl who has lost the ability to love
Who is only 13 years of age

its very true that people say you shouldnt fight back or retaliate but its not easy when your bullied, maybe their right but its hard to understand. bullying can have a serious affect on young sensitive people, can leave emotional scars and though it feels it its not the end of the world because it will end. the bullies are pathetic people, yet they live normal happy lives, why is it they get this but their victims dont? i guess its the unfairness in the world around us where being different isnt tolerated. its worth getting a release on your anger and hate before it builds up too much and yeah takes over or has a serious affect, dont let it just control you. do you have any places you can escape to if your upset or being bullied? that can help.
just so you know life gets better bullying stops and dont give up. and the system doesnt work thats why bullying happens all through school and nothings ever really done to stop it (most people do mature and stop bullying people)
(i was bullied all my life until i was 17 so this is from my experience)

p.s. your good at poetry though it is a sad poem

A poem for you, from me

I look at you and see myself .
weaving through the minefield that is youth
both hope and hopelessness
wrapped up in fresh a complexion

Waiting for
" hey, want to join in ? "
a smile without expectation
Hiding in your books
imagining yourself as the protagonist
struggling and overcoming
rising to meet the challenges

Here, half way through the journey
children in their beds
husband by the fire
belly full and TV light flickering
I see you and offer a hand of friendship
hope, a pat on the shoulder

In years .. you too will be looking
back at a fresh complexion
and young pain .. offering hope
knowing it will be ok

Life does get easier.. you just have to hang in there, and know that you have something unique to offer the world and that you are a strong and worthwhile person and if others cannot see that just yet.. then that is their loss.
You will find people that see the good qualities in you, just like I can and all the others that have answered you in your post.