Disappointment

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My life feels like it's happening in slow-motion, like I'm not fully connected to the people I encounter or the movements of my own body. I'm taking classes again, but this only seems to heighten and reinforce these feelings of alienation.

My social efforts are a wash of failed attempts and broken friendships. A recent conversation with a classmate concluded with her asking me, "just how abnormal are you?" My birthday was met with a couple of well-wishers that I rarely talk to, likely reminded via MySpace, but I spent the day at home doing nothing. Someone told me a couple of years ago that I seem to seek socialization only when I need to fulfill some need within myself, but provide nothing in return. I can't really refute her either, and I constantly feel apathetic towards the people I know, both when they're down and when they're up. I worry that I'm just a parasite, incapable of having a genuine friendship or feeling real love.

I can't even figure out how to make friends online, and as I get older, I notice what few friends I do have slowly drifting off into nothing. Even then, I keep them at a distance so as not to scare them off, but eventually, my inability to develop anything deeper with these people does exactly that.

I was told a few weeks ago that I need to learn how to "power through" this, but I honestly don't know how to do that anymore without breaking under the pressure of it. I can't even figure out how to write this post without rambling off in dozens of different directions, so I keep trying to distill it into something that makes sense, but don't really feel like I'm saying anything at all. I know I'm writing like s**t right now, though.

I'm not suicidal, but sometimes, I think that if I just focused hard enough, I wouldn't exist and that would be OK.

Same here, mate. Same here.

Irikarah, you've completely summed up my thoughts (I've been trying to get them straight in my mind for quite a while now too)! I always keep people at an arms length, even when I like them, to the point that I don't return invites or ask people out for fear that I'll be seen as too 'pushy' or 'clingy'- in fact, I come across as the total opposite! I'm trying to change this- you're right that it seems parasitical not to.

No advice (good or bad) at the moment- I think I'll watch this thread though, to see what ideas come up...

there is a human need to connect.
to connect with other humans , it is called a human given.

humans as social animal will communicate and socialise, form communities interact and share, trade, barter communicate with each other, and in time when you observe this behaviour there will be a tendency for the humans who can manipulate these connections to do better and exceed in compariosn to others.

so humans have developed a need to connect and a desire to manipulate this connection.

it is somethign that alienates AS from others.
we dont have a desire to connect and we dont attempt to manipulate .

but we, as AS can observe other humans and watch them connect and yearn and lust, look and copy try and mimick
interact and socialise and try to fit in and it often comes undone, we do it badly, we cant do it as it is too difficult for us, we dont have this need.

we want , but we dont need to.

and here is the crux....when we try to interact and connect we are acting normal for non-AS.
but normal for AS is to not need this.

while this looks and appears odd to others, it is normal for us.

so many AS try to be , look and act like non-AS humans and this is a cause of anxiety.

when you break down your behaviour and it is typical AS behaviour then what more can you expect from someone who is AS than AS behaviour.

your trying to act NT normal, not AS normal.

:hug:

That's exactly my disappointment.

I get that way too. Things seem to go better when I just let myself relax. It's really hard to do, because I'm so wrapped up in trying to figure what in the world everyone is thinking about. About what I just said or about what I just did or if they even want to be there or if I am starting to annoy them. Just take a couple breathers and try a "centered" activity.

See if you can meet up to do something, lunch, movie, game night, a shared interest. Maybe with a centered activity, which most of the "talk" would be about. It might be a little easier to relax, it would be going for a little less of a connection, but a connection none the less.

Have a game night and host it, if you get stuck for what to say or start to feel a little weird, excuse yourself and refill the chip bowl and ask if they need drinks to get away and collect yourself for a sec.