My mum died. She died very early in the morning on Saturday the 6th of September. it was her birthday and her wedding anniversary, she was 84. I wasn't overcome with grief. Not because I didn't love her, I did. I don't know why not. it just didn't seem to affect me in that way or not yet. But there is a piece of music that makes me cry when I think about her. I finally listened to it again this evening. its part of the Dolly Suite by Faure. I'm not a classical music expert. I just happened to hear it and it made me cry. it sounds a bit like a lullaby and when I hear it I think of my Mum in hospital. The last week or so of her life, she was put on morphine so she appeared to be sleeping most of the time. But when we said goodbye at the end our visits she'd usually mutter goodbye back.
Friday the 5th has to have been the last time I saw her but I can't seem to remember it. She was in Hospital for such a long time, 3 months. For most of the 3 months we were hopeing and expecting her to get better and come home. She'd get a little better then get some sort of infection and then we'd be hopeing she'd recover from that. She wanted to come home and before she got too ill that's what she used to talk about. We managed to borrow a bed and other equipment ready for when she came back. After about 8 or 9 week she came home for just one night. She'd got a really bad chest infection and was in such distress she had to go back into hospital again.
When she was in hospital I'd look out of the window late at night in that direction and wonder how she was, hope she was comfortable and sleeping O.K, like I was trying to send 'get well' rays to her. When I look out of the window now I still think of her I feel guilty for not feeling more sad and wonder if the sadness is waiting for me. I lay in bed at night and think 'She's dead, Mum's dead' and for a split second its real. The rest of the time I just get on my life, such as it is. I know its true, that Mum's dead, but I just can't feel it.
Mum I did love you and why the hell I'm writing it here I don't know because you never looked at a website in your life. I don't suppose you'll start now you're dead.
I'm sorry you couldn't come home
I wish I could have been more of the sort of daughter you wanted. I think we both would have been happier.
Me and Dad are chugging a long O.K I guess. And I can't quite grasp that this information means nothing to you because there is no you anymore.
I suppose this is a general memorandum to the world or as much of it as reads this. My Mum died.
