I hate God!! !!

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I am very unhappily married. I have asperger's syndrom. Recently, I met a girl that is very beautiful and very kind and who claimed she loved me. The relationship even started to get a bit sexual...no cheating. But in my mind, I was unfaithful. I was never ablet to hold a job. My wife makes all the money. She dangles that over my head constantly and as a result, I alwasy have to lose argements and never get my way. I am not a strong man...only a shell. I am all heart. I cry when I feel like crying. And I laugh when I rarely find happiness. I am constanly reminded that I am not accepted by anyone. Even recently, some people from my location took me to court because they thought I was someone bad. They did this because they said he is weird. As a result, I am afraid to leave my home now for over a year and a half. I get out some but only when I think it might be 100 percent safe someplace no one will know me. This girl who by the way is almost half my age, showed me increadible attention. I was so depressed last month, I did not eat any food from Thanksgiving until about the 7th or so of this month. She made me food happy for the first time....maybe ever. We got to know each other very well on instant messanger. And then, all of a sudden, after I let my defenses down, she told me that Dr. Phil wrote an aritcle that says never date a married man. So, she is gone now. And my hopes for some sort of happiness are smothered once again. Since birth, God cursed me. My dad abused me terribly from about age 4 or so till I left the home at age 19. I don't even want to tell you the unspeakable things he did to me. He used abuse to try to get me to be like the others. I tried so hard and never got his approval. I have not been allowed to talk to him since 1987. He refuses to speak to me. The last thing he said was, "I only have so many years left, I have more deserving children. You are a wasste of life and perfectly good oxygen. You are my only failure" I could say more. But I dont want to bore you. I never know how much to say...to llittle or too much or should I say anything at all????? I feel destroyed. I really wanted her. My wife will not have ...well you know.... with me. She already wanted to divorce me but her lawyer said she would have to split everything half way and give me alimony since I can not work for others. The girl I met said, let's be friends now. I do not want to be friends iwth her as she finds a better man that is productive, better looking etc. In the race, I never win. I am the real life Charlie Brown. I hate God if he is even real. If he is, I hate him. I'm stuck because I need money to live. If I leave to find love, I will be undeseribable becasue I will be living under some over pass or in the woods as a hermit or hobit or whatever those poeple are called. I can't eat again. I'm going back to bed.

Old Soul

So?

Notified Mod to move this to a more appropriate forum.

Old Soul, I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I wish I had something helpful to say to you. You sound really depressed, have you seen anybody about that?

You poor soul! I will say a prayer on your behalf.

The cage was not your making, but you are choosing to remain. There are always options, but you will have to learn to see again. You "never win" the race because you quit trying long ago, you no longer believe you are able win.

You keep crying for help. I am offering to try to help. PM me if you wish to take me up on it, and I'll do the best I can for you.

You have too much pain.

I wish I knew how to help you.

I feel the same way as Old_Soul.

God gave me AS, so that blocks me from reading people and commucating with people. All I want is a decent male/ female reltionship. But everytime i try, my AS gets in the way, no matter how much I work at it. God also let my Dad die and gave me another health problem, dieabetes.

God is pure evil. No matter how hard i try, I fail at what I really want. God wants me to fail.

It seems like a lot of people have been feeling down in the dumps, disenchanted with life, and in unusual moods. Maybe it's the stress of the holidays. Maybe it's the weather. I don't know. But one thing I have realized is how vastly different we are from each other on the spectrum. But yet, when you read the definition of AS, we sound like we should all be so similar.

But there is one thing that seems to haunt us---down moods. I am right now feeling pretty good about life, but two weeks ago---I was feeling really down. I was in one of those phases where my interests were not interesting to me. Now, I have started to get back into it. I truly believe that interests play a huge part in our emotions (those of us that are autistic). So for those of you not feeling well emotionally, it does get better.

I got through a fairly rough evening just an hour ago. I am the organist at our church and I got up at choir practice tonight and told them I was sick of all the songs we do that are written by a certain gospel writer that many of you have heard of. But I don't think I should mention the name because I realize it's just an issue with me. But I don't regret leaving the organ tonight at practice until they got to another song by another writer. I can't recall ever doing this before. So maybe there's something odd in the weather.

Anyway, things will get better. Best of luck to those of you feeling down right now. Even though I am feeling good now, I'm sure I'll be down in the valley soon---then climb out again---then go down in it again---then come out again---Wow!! ! It's great being autistic. Three cheers for Asperger's. Seriously though, I would not get rid of my Asperger's if some doctor said here is a medicine that will cure it. I like having it---and I know that sounds odd---but it's true. I am proud of it.

Gee, this was my oddest post to date. I better stop now. Good luck.

Old Soul, you need to get far away from all those as*holes. You need a new life, with new people in it. the people on WP are good. Why not become a very active member of this community and meet all your friends here and your future spouse? That's what I did.

Have you considered filing for divorce yourself?