I don't know what's wrong with me..

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i hate this part of myself>
I do talk with my friends or other close people, but at school i don't speak a word. I only use my mind. When someone asks me something, then i get nervous and i answer like a stupid with very few words. And when i speak then my voice is extremely quiet, and when i am asked to speak louder then it's hard for me.
I hate my voice tone too, it's very man-like, but i am not male! Sometimes in lessons i am afraid to answer to my teacher, because i hate my voice. I think that others will laugh or make negative-comments. I got "D" at school today, because i didn't answer to my teacher. Well, i know that he is probably sick of me being quiet. He thinks that i am sleepy!
I don't even have a urge to talk. I am always in my mind-world. I hadn't cut myself for a mont, but yesterday i had a real need, because my self-hate came out again. Its very hard for me to go to school.. my grades are low. Teachers might think that i am lazy, quiet loser, but the truth is that i hate school. Today's school can't be a place for studying. It's an open hell!
WHAT AM I? Why i can't stand this world's life, rules. It's so hard. And it looks like there aren't anyone else like me.. i feel completely alone and hopeless crap, ... but then NO! I love myself when i am angry to this world. I feel like killing all the bad people on this planet! And i love computers and mechanic stuff! I love good movies and computer games! And i LOVE my friends and all the good people on this planet, i even love the aliens, though i haven't seen them... whatever you might think.
But then, the whole threat to become suicidal is school, i should say all the schools on this planet. Only way to be successful at school is to socialize/ speak, but not me! It's impossible for me! That must be the problem why i have many negative grades.
I am afraid that i might drop out of school, if my grades won't get any better. But it feels impossible for me, because i can't talk.

If you have not already visited, you could try re-posting this in the Special Silent Forum of The Haven. This is an area of Wrong Planet where some non talkers and partially mute members congregrate to share experiences and advice.

I think it is important to distinguish whether your hatred of speech stems from not being to participate with others as you would like, or rather from being forced to do something you find unnatural. For me, it is the second option. Like you said,

I hated school every single day too. The way I got through it was by constantly reminding myself there was a day coming when I would be out of it.

I hated school too. in primary school all i remember was feeling really scared and in highschool me and my friends rung up and said there was a bomb couple of times til we got caught and the whole school had to evacuate and go on the oval we thought it was funny at the time. Anyway, we didnt get in trouble they put us all in group counselling so we got time out from classes.
They thought I was on drugs and i wasnt. I just used to get highs and lows and i was one angry girl or i was so sad and welcome to my BPD or autistic world. My friends, not close just who i hung out with thought I was f****n crazy and one in a million Gun 'n roses.

Perhaps you have selective mutism. Look it up if you are curious.

Who me. I had friends but then I went through stages were I was alone cause eithier I couldnt talk or i would turn on people. It wasnt selective mutism. It was really difficult time for me when I couldnt talk to people no more. I come out of it with alchohol but it wasnt easy and i got put down by alot of people when i become withdrawn and didnt speak, Like i was being rude or trying to be manipualtive. i was really scared and i was sad thats why i stopped talking and I dont no so much about mental disorders as i do about feelings. We are all much more emotional and controlled by emotions than we realise.
The way Ive acted and behaved is nothing to do with me, like who i really am. Its just being overwhelmed by feelings and not understanding them and a other thing. i have gone through a really difficult time this year and personally i have gone out of my way to think positive and not act erractic n do something stupid.
To some people it might seem like i am being a brat but i am really trying my best and so i dont care what no one says because i am doing my best and trying to learn and do the right thing by myself and others.
Thankyou.

Hah, no, Samara. I was talking to Skonamis.

Thanks for answers.
I went to wikipedia to read about selective mutism. And i didn't get shocked or something, but it seems very similiar to me:

Typical sufferers have some of the following traits, some of which are often perceived as rudeness:
# A difficulty in maintaining eye contact
# A reluctance to smile and a tendency to have a blank facial expression
# Stiff, awkward body movements
# Particular anxiety in situations where speech is normally expected (answering school registers, saying hello, goodbye, thank you, etc.)
# A sensitivity to noise and crowds or crowded situations
# Difficulty with verbal and non-verbal expression
# Frequent temper tantrums at home
# Fear of using public restrooms
# Compulsive traits, even Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
<These were all about me!
I was already thinking that i might have autism and not aspergers, but now i can see differently.

...children with trauma-induced mutism usually suddenly become silent in all situations....

Skonamis, you need to get away from all those people at school and hang around with people you can just be yourself around, like people on WP.

I had selective mutism when I was a child. From the age of 14 I slowly began to talk to more people, but then my poor speech skills surfaced.
Still poor speech isn't so bad. I'm not sure why I started to talk more. I got into politics and I guess I wanted to share my opinions.
I hope one day the same thing will happen to you. If I knew exactly what made me talk more I would share it, but I just can't remember.