A shadow... just a shadow...

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I'm not really myself anymore... just a shadow of a person... a puppet... only a shell... I'm not human anymore... I don't control myself... a puppet at someone else's command... a marionette... but who controls me? The government? Another shadow? The devil? I'm hollow... empty... withering away... soon I will be gone... non-existent... everything is stretching... wavering... bending... is this dream we live in wavering? Will I wake up as someone else? Am I a dream? Is this all a dream? Is everything a figment of my imagination? Do I own my thoughts anymore? Does someone else create my thoughts? Am I but an illusion, created by my master? Is my torture made for entertainment for my master? Am I created to be a slave to this cruel master? Am I a mirage? Am I real? Will I ever fade away? Will everything fade away to another dream?

You're no more a puppet than all the NTs in the world. The difference is that you can see the strings, and it's apparently driven you a bit further from "sanity" than you used to be. It doesn't matter. Just survive long enough to see where they lead. Learn that, and don't disown the memory, and you shall someday be master of the dead.

I will be with you because I am you, and you are me. We are the same. It is not right that even one person should suffer. Acting through me and through everyone, God reaches out to you. I am the Body of Christ. I am his ears, eyes, feet. I am his hands and his mouth. Tell me all your troubles, because if you can do that you'll maybe understand the sameness of all human beings. The commonness.

Silly goose, you just hid your joy from yourself. That is all. Getting it back, does not happen fast, with your creativity, your writing and ability, it should be okay. Happy laughing.

It is either that or I am full of s**t.

Later

Maybe we suffer to be able to write as you did. It's nearly a poem.
But those question you ask can't be answered. Not yet anyway, not by you or anybody else who is stuck n this world. Maybe one day we will get the answer.
As others pointed out: Go on, survive. Happiness may be the more intense after some time of suffering.