Can't make sense of anything

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i feel like i'm going a bit mad. not severely. its just that i've been struggling with some bad anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure) for months, with a few breaks for days or weeks at a time. But as my feelings shut off, I can't tell what's real very well. I can't do really basic things.

The one thing that has helped me is ambien. But now I'm realizing I am starting to get addicted to it so I'm cutting way back and not gonna take any in the day time anymore. And gonna make sure I don't take more than the regular dosage and then right at bed time.

But geez it is frustrating. I hate myself even though I shouldn't. I freak out over stuff. The one solace I have is that I beleive firmly in God and that he will bring me through this, but if he's with me he's just walking next to me---he's not carrying me or pulling me along.

Every day is the same sickening weariness.

I have a problem with that, but you will get through it like I have.
It may feel like you are just existing, and nothing else, but eventually things will get better. You just have to find things to look forward to, or look for them yourself.

Don't get addicted to sleeping pills. Only take them whenever you need to sleep. I once thought that I didn't care if I got addicted to any drugs, because I had nothing else to look forward to.
I found my way out of it. You need to do something different every day. Go to the library, ride your bike... just pick something you never do.

I've been through this too. Best thing to get the chemicals flowing, naturally, is exercise.

I find excercise helps. my one problem is that I'm alone most of the time and what I really need is someone to push me on to get the ball rolling. I'm gonna try to just be around people more, and ask people to go running with me.

I'm at times in the mode where I don't care if I get addicted because it's the only thing that can make me get going. I don't blame myself for that mindset, because perhaps it keeps me from suicide, but my goal is to capitalize on the times when I don't need them. I think once life gets going and my prozac starts kicking in and I have some continuity and social areas of life, I will have an easier time not needing as many chemical fixes. As for now, I'm just doing the bare minimum as a last resort and hoping to space it out and lessen it as time goes on. Seems to be working, we will see.

[quote="Moop"]I have a problem with that, but you will get through it like I have.
It may feel like you are just existing, and nothing else, but eventually things will get better. You just have to find things to look forward to, or look for them yourself.
/quote]

It really helps to hear someone else has had the same feelings, because part of those feelings is thinking no one else thinks this way, that its crazy or abnormal. I do know things will get better because I know I've not always felt this way. I can't exactly remember what it feels like exactly, but I KNOW it exists.