PDD-NOS and permanent displacement

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I wasn't sure what forum to put this in, there really isn't a 'AS and life experiences and bigger questions about one's own existence' type of folder, in the end I settled on this section because I think it will find the appropriate type of analysis.

Do any of you really get punched in the gut on a regular basis just on how profoundly different we are and what it really means? I'll spare you the trailing story of what I've been through in the last couple of days but I'm certain that even when your fully functioning with PDD-NOS or Asperger's that the severity and completeness of the 'disability' of it are still present and holding fast in ways that words can't even explain. There's no social skill development that can even dig us out of it - our cores are wired so vastly different from that of NT's that we can't not abrase with people on the subconscious level.

I guess you could say that I had a rather extreme and unsettling glimps into NT nature in the last couple days. I'm the kind of person who does try his best to stay tough and stay positive but still, I'm almost gobstruck at just how gruesome this condition really is when you look at the implications. Maybe I'm just momentarily jarred, I'm sure I'll find a way to adapt myself to the deeper revelation of this and be able to handle NT's on this level, but wow.........I feel like I'm still trying to get the color back into my face.

I notice this every day when I go to work. But it doesn't feel like a punch in the gut, because I don't mind having different ideas and priorities to everyone else. It bothered me when I was a bit younger, but now I think I've gone back to how I was as a child - happy in my own world, orbiting my own sun, and maybe noticing that other people are different, but not making any judgement on it. Maybe that's just because I have an extremely non-judgemental, passive personality, so things often just wash over me, when other people would have intense difficulty with them. Of course, I have intense difficulties with plenty of things that others are completely fine about, but my differentness isn't one of them.

I don't know what advice to offer, except that you may grow past this 'punched in the guts' sensation. Also, although there are many ways in which you are fundamentally different from others, I think there are also a lot of ways in which you are fundamentally the same. You just have to see past the differing world views. And if you can find people who share your interests, that may also help.

My first job. They kept telling me what was the easy to do something. They told every time they saw me and then I noticed they gave up saying but just by the time they gave up saying; it was like I realised they was trying to tell me something. I didnt notice before 'cause I was just agreeing with them.

My second job. The guys was always coming up to me saying something and it was like a joke but they knew I would take it literally at first and not get it. Thats why they thought it was funny. They did it for a little while and then stopped.

Ive always had problem of believing what people say to me. Like if they told me they was Wayne Carey or some one famous AFL I would believe them. Why wouldnt I if people are talking so convincing.
It has always happened ever since I was a kid. My mum bf and his friends was always saying stupid jokes that no one beleived except I would. People shouldnt do that act really genuine and honest. I become really interested in what they are saying and it makes me look like an idiot.
It is like my xboyfriend kept lieing about something but he was really convincing and come across honest so because I am an honest. I believed him. Then I heard him talking to his friend saying she is like dumb blonde isnt she. I put two and two together and I thought thats it. I didnt believe him again.
People must think I am stupid but I am not. I can be just slow to catch on. It agigitates me when people go out of thier way to trick me. I have that my whole life. Right from when I was really little. My my mums bf thought i was really cute and I looked up to him. I was so trusting and he made me feel shattered. i still promised to keep it a secret because I know when i had told him secrets he didnt tell anyone. I was never really the same after that. I just didnt like him anymore and it makes me cry to think. It amazing that i can remember cause i was like only 4 or 5 years old. My two older sisters used to tease me.

I have heard people I am the girl with 'the lights are on but no ones home' I am smarter than what people think.
Actually, in regards to bullying. I would have to say this is one of the ways Ive been bullied by being tricked by other people.
It's really cruel.

Then Ive had people say to me "why do you act dumb or stupid when I know your not" and i try to think what they mean but I dont know because I didnt think I was acting stupid. Then they think I am acting more dumber for pretending I dont know what they mean.
There nothing like constructive critism

Last edited by Samara on 14 Dec 2008, 3:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TSG, you're not alone. You are different from many people and therefore can't relate to them, but there are probably a lot of people on here who can relate to you. I believe I know exactly what you mean when you say we're totally wired differently from the core. We just need to be with people like ourselves first, and then once we feel up to it grow an extension that does relate to NTs. I don't know how possible that is though.

Yes, I know what you mean and I agree totally. I feel when i go be among NTs I have to put on a sort of "NT Social Skills" cloak in order to filter and understand what is going on around me. And if only that was it. For me the sensory stuff is the biggest difference between me and NTs. I cant handle the visual stuff they process all the time at ease and I cant move like they do either.

But hopefullt I will be able to make somehting of all this. It just takes time.

Yeah, I don't have the sensory but definitely can't move (at least in the social sense) in the same way the next person would. It was bizarre to not only see just how different my friends are from myself but also see exactly how. If I were to actually explain the difference in the feel of their state of consciousness - imagine watching a highschool sports drama movie *really* stoned. The trouble is - I can get it, I can see it, I can sense that level of things at times, but I can't 'be' it enough to match flow with people; the 'NT cloak' can cover you to some extent but it can never reach around the angles and really resolve any of the more fundamental life-blocks. There are a lot of weird absolutes in human nature - what you can get by with and what automatically flunks you as a human being; that's what I internally grapple with. I think right now I'm also still too wrestless to accept a handed down fate per say and especially if its not one I want, any possible chance that I can make a move or two that would have me far closer to being in control of my situation and I'll do it - otherwise I'm ceaselessly thinking about how to find or discover ways to bring my mind into a more compatible channel.

Do you mind sharing what happened in the past few days that might have triggered this reaction?

Magnus, I could PM it one of these times since I know you could process it. Overall its nothing I'd want to post out front; way too many personal thoughts for someone else to have to slog through who doesn't even know me.

I guess that in a way I dont really care about the levels of connectedness that they have. I am just happy with achieving a basic level. I dont think like them enough to appreciate all that... stuff that they are doing. Perhaps it would be too much anyway. I prefer to just skim the surface.

With me, I'm sure I've stated this before, most adults strut themselves around like children with more privileges. No matter how much you read about it, how much you ruminate in dark rooms alone about it, you'll always be stepping further away with exact discordance no matter how hard you try. Blah, sorry, didn't mean to be so brash.

Perhaps you should try to stoop to their level more of the time; ie. drinking until poisoned or puking profusely, drugs, mate-swapping, more drugs, negligence and/or abuse of fellow men/women, yet still -more drugs. Suppose with the latter, it's a matter of paradigm. There's a reason your mom always told you not to stay out late, for idle hands do the work of the devil, and temptation follows least resistance, especially with the crowd-mentality.

Whatever the reason, I'm am intrigued to know the causes. But as the way of the duck, duck, goose, I'll always be the interloper, always from the outside, looking in. Which is a damn shame, cause I'm quite wise, but, needless-to-say, I hope this helped.

Aside from the using and abusing people - been there and done that on all other accounts. Partied hard in my early 20's (tried almost everything under the sun), stayed out at all hours with friends, went to three day parties as well as some we drove out of state for (parties = raves), so I had a blast and no - any sense of sheltering has been fried out of me, not only that but contra to what everyone thinks those were actually very productive times in my life as I was able to add a great deal of perspective to my sense of self. After that I went through another period in my early 20's of life bearing down on me, not in quite the same ways as when I was in highschool but the same effect.

The using and abusing people, there's a specific reason I haven't gone that route; I don't have it in me. I can't create that drive or affect from within, its something that I just innately have a real aversion to. I can be an a**hole in the showing affection to a friend by running my mouth but that's as far as it goes.



If this is as incorrigible as that then - I guess I really deserve no mercy, not for trying but for having this condition or at least my own manifestation of it. That's not be crying, its more or less the level of disgust and disdain I have for its overall effect.

Beats me then Tech. I tried frying all my wiring just to produce some sort of parallel or more normal existance; it didn't work. In fact, I think it made me more aware. It's that observance that trifles me the most. For seconds of a time I can conversate quite normally and be relaxed, then almost quite unannounced I start locking up and become quite flabbergasted -- it's this that destroys any semblance of harmonious concert with another individual. What causes us to climb so deeply into rhetorical introspection when in mid conversatio?

From before, don't get me wrong, I don't walk on people and such, that was just my perspective of the crazy world we live in. In fact I become evil and insidious when I see others get abused, a nice drawback when things get tough. Nothing destroys me more than the weak being preyed upon. I think if I could channel that energy into something one day, I'd be very successful.