I feel again a failure

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Last Thursday we received our high school diploma's. Everyone was supposed to walk over a runway, ending at a podium where a teacher held a short speech about you/your achievements etc. Both my parents were present.

Than there was this girl who was really good at maths. I suck at it, verbally I'm gifted (linguistic, logics, reasoning, calculating IQ 132-142) but performally I'm kinda stupid, I suck big time at maths. The case is, my father believes that whoever is good at maths is intelligent and smart, and those who aren't are stupid ret*ds. Since I have a lot of insight and am extremely good at logics compared to my peer group he thinks I must be good at maths too. Since I'm not, he thinks I'm just very lazy and refusing to work for it. I explained him that my performal IQ 90 is and that it is not possible to get it much higher, but it seems to me that he refuses to believe that.
He does now, but that disappoints him even more.

I had the best grades, except for maths. When this girl walked down the runway, my father looked at her in a very admiring way, you could see him think ''Well, THERE's a smart girl'' but when I got my speech (where my grades were mentioned) he looked neutral.

My father always was disappointed when I got a low mark for maths, and that maths made me feel worse. He always wanted me to be someone who loves maths and is very good at it, and was very pushy. It made me feel like I was a huge disappointment because I didn't only fail at maths, I also failed in the eyes of my father. You can't imagine how much value he adds to being good at maths- totally ridiculous, simply outrageous. Because I can't be good at maths, I'm fundamentally a disappointment to my father. It has nothing to do with doing my best for it.

The days after he talked several times about this girl but didn't seem very enthousiastic about me having finished high school with great marks.

Throughout the years it stayed very obvious I disappointed him because of my lack of mathmatical skills. He forced me to ask his help for a math test, but he made me have panic and anxiety attacks by getting really angry when I didn't get his explanation. That would make him even more angry.

I can't stop thinking about the expression on his face when that girl got her speech. I don't have much of a self-esteem and this hurts me. It makes me feel like I, as a human being, fail to him and disappoint.

He never has been proud of me, he would have if I were good at maths. I feel worthless and it sometimes even makes me cry.

Interesting you say this. I used to be terrible at math, but I am gifted in logic and speaking. However, the older I get, math seems to be getting easier for me. Years of writing software have no doubt helped, but somehow the concepts are becoming clearer and clearer.

When I was in school, I could barely remember one day to the next what I learned in math. Now, the pieces have finally started to "sink in".

I'd suggest you don't get down on yourself. You never know what your talents will do for you.

I'm not going to try to excuse your father's behavior, because he's I think he's being an ass, but know that after a certain age it takes a lot of work to grow up and most people don't. There's always more growing up to do for everyone, and parents are not excluded. You can detach yourself and know that his love for you as a parent is not the same thing as his approval. It was a big weight off my shoulders when a therapist helped me realize this. For example, after years of grief, I accept that my mother is not someone I can go to for emotional support. She loves me but she can't help me because of her own issues. Once I release her from that expectation, I can enjoy her for other things. If I detach my self worth from her, and she says something I think is pretentious or snobby, I can just roll my eyes. I know it's harder for you at this point in your life. You have to live with him, but know that your self worth has nothing to do with his flawed opinion.

I agree with what Aimless says - he has expressed it very well.

Still, it must be very hard for you, especially right now. My mother is a very negative person, and she has never praised me for my successes and achievements, but instead criticised me for what I couldn't or didn't do. As I have got older, I am 41, I have realised that it says more about her than it does about me. It still gets me down sometimes, but I know that she loves and cares about me in her own way.

I have learned to ignore what she says that is hurtful, and last year for the first time ever, I just said simply that I found her comments hurtful and I didn't want to talk about it any more. This was because she told me I was stupid and a bad mother because I bought myself a bicycle! It hasn't been mentioned again, so my calm and decisive approach seems to have worked.

You are your own person, and you have many gifts and talents. Rejoice in those, and try to ignore your father and not be hurt by his comments. He is the one with the problem, not you.

Who gives a rat's about maths?

You could be a champion politician or salesman without knowing any maths.

Your problem is that you want your father's approval.

Welcome to the club! Most of us crave our father's approval but never get it.

The usual reason is that our fathers are as*holes. The problem is with them rather than with us.

Marcia wrote

Thanks. I'm female btw, I just like Buster. I knew a woman once in her 60's and her 90 year old mother could still reduce her to tears. The sad thing is her mother was probably emotionally abused by her mother (or father). The cycle will continue until someone decides to stop and learn a better way. I remember when I was in treatment a counselor told me she thought this cycle of abuse could go back a thousand years. Amazing to think about.