Meltdown (again) *sigh* when no one was home

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My father is in the hospital because he has a bad kidney stone. My Step Mother is stressed about it. I toke the day off from my lifeskills program to help her out with the family dogs.

She called me this morning and told me the number which I can reach my dad at the hospital.

It was like (the phone number), then the room number and the bed number.

The dogs are playing with their toy bones plus I kept asking her the number.

I kept getting the numbers wrong and to me she was sounding kind of pissed off because she had to keep repeating herself.

After she got off the phone, I call my dad and wished him good luck with the sugery.

But them after that, I felt very pissed off thinking that my step mother was pissed off at me for repeteing herself.

So I kind of took it out on the dogs by yelling and screaming at them for not following directions.

Then I took the laundry out of the dryer and folded them while I was screaming, yelling and swearing out loud.


But then again here's the thing. Maybe she's not angry at me. Maybe she was fusterated for a second that she had to repete herself but maybe she's not going to come home yelling at me.......I don't know.


That's the part about Asperger's that I hate.. You can't tell if someone is taking something at you or can't 100% tell if someone is angry with you.


This is the usual rutine that I go through if I get stresed out with my parents if they are not home.
First I start speaking out loud about what I'm angry at. Next I yell and scream to the top of my lungs. Then I go upstairs and either hit myself until I can't take it anymore or I choke myself until I feel a bit dizzy then I throw myself onto my bed or chair and start crying.


Same dang rutine.




I don't get it. I bet that my step mother is going to come home and not start a fight with me.

Maybe she wasn't fusterated at all because it's normal for someone not to get numbers right over the phone. An easy mistake because of the phone's sound quality.



But I don't understand why I get like this every single time with my parents. Why am I so scared if my parents are even a little bit fusterated at me? Why do I fear them so much? Why do I hate their guts so much?

I'm trying to hide my outbursts so they never see any of this so they can continue to think that I'm emotionally stabel to live on my own and all that crap.

And to make my life even more hecktic, I'm still hiding the fact that I believe that my gender idenity is Androgyne and I'm attracted to women in the Masculine gender role. Like I've said loads of time before, my parents are homophobic and would discriminate me if they ever found out. They know that I have Asperger's Syndrome and they want me to kind of control my emotions and stuff. But it's odvious that I'm Androgyne because I don't like a lot of Masculine stuff like sports. They always want me to keep my hair short and wear appropirate male clothing and junk. When I move out of my parents house next year, I want to wear silk clothing, unisex stuff or mixing feminine clothes with masculine clothes. Maybe highlight some of my facial features with only a little bit of make up, etc.


I don't have any near by friends to talk to about any of this. Not even my Aspie friends at college.
I'm having a very rough year.

I'm extra sensitive too but I wouldn't trade it in. It's useful. I still bet that she won't came home and yell at you. Maybe I'm wrong and she's unusual; I don't know. But if she does, we're there for you.

Thanks for the support.


Having Asperger's is horrable. It's like going to hell and back each time who feel down or scared if someone is angry with you.

My parents are very confused if I ever have a meltdown in front of them. In order, they would be shocked & confused, Then fusterated with me for shocking them and scaring them for no good reason or point.


Asperger's anxiety is simple. When in a situation where you feel that someone is fusterated at you or uses a certain tone of voice or uses some confusing body launguage like if someone is tired or angry, you would feel guilty and frightend or even threatend. If someone raises their voice at you just to prove a point, you would forget or iqnore the point being made and want to top that tone of voice by screaming so you can share the scary anxiety that you have inside.


It sucks having it, plus it sucks living with my parents. Even though they give me freedom to do what I want, they will still question me even the most personal stuff.

For example if they ever found out that I like Masculine women or women in the Masculine gender, they would be like "Why are you q**er for?", "That's not normal", "Your going to confuse and upset someone, so knock it off!" or something like that.

I'm sorry to hear your having a rough time.

I hear ya.

Plus my parents are just natually LOUD at times. They feel that it's okay to talk loudly up and down the stairs. Even for the smallest most dumbest things.

My parents' puppies act up sometimes so I always hear them yell at them.

My Aspie friend from college told me that when he hears any kind of loud voices, he feels like rolling himself into a ball. I couldn't agree with him more.


Last night my father stereotyped me by saying "Oh I'm just afriad that when the AT&T people (hook up the new internet, phone, cable) that I'm going to have an outburst because they are moving my things." Oh I was so angry with him. I said something like "I've matured since then and you told me that I'm ready to live on my own so you should already know this.". He was just saying "okay" a lot of times because he doesn't like hearing my preacy messages about my disability.


The AT&T people never came today, there coming tomarow. So I got to get up again at 7:00am the latest and keep myself out of my room from 8:00am until I leave for my lifeskills program at 9:00am. I was hanging out in my basement the whole time so the AT&T people can do their job.


I had to bring my red traveling bag with me. It has all my Tomboy stuff, the stuff that I don't want my parents to know about. The fact that I like Tomboys. They are both Old fashioned Society Norm obeying Serious People. They would call me the "Q" word if they found out.

I can relate to this. I have been a high school teacher for 21 years now. And this year, I have a student who I thought was mad at me for some reason. It was just in her actions and tone of voice when she responded to my questions. I was convinced she didn't like me. Well, realizing that my Asperger's could cause me to misinterpret her, I made the decision to ask her if she was mad at me. She told me she was not mad, but was concerned over a health issue. She had been bitten by a spider, and a large red spot was not going away on her leg. She had read about the brown recluse spider and thought she was going to suffer terribly or die. I told her to see her doctor. She is fine now. She had had an allergic reaction to a typical house spider's bite. There is no sign of the red spot now she says. But had I not talked to her, I would still think she was mad at me. But she was never mad at me---only afraid of an incident in her life. So maybe when we are not sure of another's feelings toward us, we should ask. My students know that I have Asperger's, so they understand that I may get confused about social issues.

Yeah.




Oh by the way, I bumped into my 1st grade teacher today which SUCKS because I think Asperger's is the worst when you are a kid. She was so happy to see me, I wasn't because I just totally HATE my past, but I still was nice to her.

And to make things worse, she now works at the lifeskills program that I go to and I'm on her schedule THIS FRIDAY!

Like I'm mentioned in the post, how I want to change my life. This is one of those reasons. Even though I have Asperger's Syndrome, doesn't mean that's all that I am. But here's the stereotype that people see me as.


What people see me as: This introverted young man with Asperger's Syndrome (whatever that is) who's a big Muppet fan. That's it

Who I really am: (Other than being Aspie) Eric Crooks: Jim Henson Historian and Multi-talented Satirist / Humor Artist

But what I'm trying to say is, people just see me for my Asperger's Syndrome which Sucks.

Plus I'm getting sick of being a so called stereotypical politically correct "MAN".

Yes, I'm biologicly male but my gender idenity is Androgyne.


I know someone from College who I think has a crush on me, plus I know of a person who likes me at my lifeskills program.

But even though I feel that I need a relationship in my life. I'm not attracted to Feminine Women.

I hate the hole heterosexual stereotype. I don't fit it. I'm not dominating, I'm submissive. I'm not Masculine, I'm Androgynous.

Plus I feel like my gender behavor changes. During the day, I'm more masculine but at night, I feel more feminine...................well, I start to become very feminine acting when I think of Tomboys. I don't know why, that's how I automaticly express myself I guess.

Another crappy morning.

My step mother complains about the digital cable not working and I told her that sometimes the cable acts up that's what the company told me on the phone a few days before. "This is all the time" she said "not sometimes". So I said "Well, I don't know what to tell you". "I know, that's why your father's going to call the cable company'.

First off if she knows that I don't know, then why in the h*ll did she ask me that stupid question?
Small talk? I don't know, she's usually introverted and gives me scilent answers if I try to have small talk with her.

My parents are good at teaching me life skills and survival skills But that's it. Social life is DEAD in my house. I try to have small talk with them, it fails. If they want to have small talk with me, I don't want to hear from them.

Sorry about your crappy mornings. Speaking of the issue with the cable, I have noticed times where it seems like the family expects me to always know everything about the techical things and how to fix them. I don't know why. Do we as Aspies imagine this---or do people assume that we know all these things? Many times I visit my parents house and my Dad is asking me questions about programming the VCR and how to work the DVD and all this stuff that---well, I don't know. I can set up my stuff, but when it comes to someone else's, I don't know.

I noticed something you said on a previous thread. "...people just see me for my Asperger's Syndrome which Sucks." I think you are right on this. I couldn't attend our church's minister's Christmas get together at his house last Saturday because I had an appointment with my autism therapist (I'm just getting some help with some social issues that have been bothering me). And the next day at church I told my minister, "I'm sorry I didn't make your open house, I had an appointment with my therapist for my autism." Then I realized I had never told him I had Asperger's. So I said, "I have Asperger's Syndrome, a type of autism."
He looked at me wide-eyes and gurgled out, "What?" And I repeated it, "I have Asperger's Syndrome, a type of autism." He didn't say anything much, but just kind of acted like he didn't know what to think. Today, I had to run some Tiki torches over to the church for a play tonight, and he was there. He just looked at me like he was confused/contemplating my autism/or whatever---I couldn't read him---but that should be no surprise. But I did think he acted differently toward me. I think he may be sterotyping me now (but I could be wrong too). I am the church organist so I work with him a lot on music. And he just didn't act the same toward me. So now I think he sees me not as who I am as a whole, but as an Aspie.

But here is what I know. Asperger's/autism is something that has always been, and always will be a part of me/us. It isn't a mental illness. It is a different way of thinking. We are not defective. It's the way we are wired. We still work. We still think. We are human. And personally, I would not want to give up my Asperger's in order to be a NT.

I wish I had advice for your situation. But I feel like I fall into that too---and I don't know how to handle it. Sometimes with my Dad I act frustrated about what he wants me to do to the television, and my Mom picks up on that and gets mad at my Dad. Then I feel bad because I feel like my Dad got his feelings hurt. So now, I just try to go along with him and try to act like I'm trying to help him. Now---since I usually can't get it to work, but I've tried, he hasn't asked me since. So maybe this is a good piece of advice afterall. Good luck.

Since my diagnosis of Asperger's and joining the wrongplanet, I have been so enlightened as to the problems that most of us on the spectrum seem to have. I mean I have done a lot of reading on it. Coming home from picking up a carry out dinner while ago, I began thinking about my place in the world. It's taken me 44 years to know myself. My conclusion is that there are two general types of people on this earth (general in terms of how we are born). You can be NT---the majority of the population, or you can be non-NT---the minority. Of this minority, one of the types is autistic---our group. I hope to be wrong on this, but I tend to believe that it is impossible to know what it is like to exist as the other type of person. We will never know what it is like to be a NT, and the NT can never know what it is like to be autistic. With this said, there will always be misunderstandings between these two groups. What we ask for is tolerance. I know there are many heated debates within the wrongplanet, but for the most part, I believe tolerance is practiced. Now, if only that tolerance can extend beyond this site. I guess a lot of people fail to understand each other---that are different. Gee, I think I'm rambling now. But that is how I feel.

In your situation, I think having your family understand you would be a great place to start. But, that is difficult if we can't know what it is like to understand the other group. But, we can tolerate it. I know things in theory are always easier to do than the actual moment of practicing it. But, I think laying out the challenges the autistic have in the NT's world would be a good place to start---and having your family understand it.

Now, if your family was tolerant enough to go along with this, I would like to extend it further. Have your NT family lay out the challenges they have in dealing with our autistic world. Then, afterwards---in this ideal scenario---we could achieve tolerance. Your family could accept you---with long hair---with your preference in the type of woman you desire, etc.

I just realized something. I am 44 years old, but my picture is of me when I was obviously younger. I had long hair then, I can remember during that long hair phase that my Mom kept wanting me to get it cut---and I did. But I liked it long. I think I chose that as my avatar pic because it was of me when I looked the way I wanted to look at a time in my life. In the early 1990s, I went through a long hair phase and wore a pony tail. Then I got it cut again, and it's been basically short ever since. But I do like long hair. My expression for my self now is in tattoos---I have eight so far. In fact, I'm getting work done on a large tribal piece tomorrow---getting lines extended, etc.

I don't think I've told you anything that helpful here---I am no therapist or anything. But I do sympathize with you---because I can relate to you to an extent. No two of us have the same problems, but we all do have problems. And I think it helps to know that someone is listening and caring for our concerns. I am concerned about your needs, and I wish had the magic piece of advice to help you. I will be thinking about you. Good luck.

so you like tomboys, whats the big deal about that? just say that, you like tomboys; i like them i dont think thats a big deal

Yeah. Esspecially first thing in the morning. My parents wake up early like 6:00am, for the most part it's because of the puppies but my parents still stay up. Cleaning the house all the time.

.Loud walking from downstairs
.The Vacum close to my bedroom door
.Parents yelling up and down stairs natually
.Dogs barking, parents toping them with a ear shattering "SHUUUUT-DAAAAAAP!"
.Phone ringing all the time, plus they call me up just for something stupid so they don't need to yell up stairs to me "I guess that's an improvement from them" LOL.
.Parents argueing and yelling at eachother over something stupid for about 5-15 minutes then completely over it 5 minutes later like it never happend.


GOD! I like craziness and wildness BUT ONLY IF IT'S FUNNY! This household is NOT funny. My parents are brainwashed by The re**rded Seriousness of Society Norms. Sometimes I wished that I was adopted so my parents aren't really my parents.