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hi. haven't posted in a while, but there's nowhere else i can turn right now. im feeling very suicidal. its a pretty new feeling for me and i cant deal with it anymore. nobody should have to.
i have as, i have social anxiety and i have alexithymia. not many people know what that last one is. basically, it is a disconnect between my emotions and my mind, so i cant 'feel' my feelings. this makes motivation hard, and it makes living hard. i get no emotional reward for doing anything. i wonder why i bother doing anything. merely to live is not enough anymore, especially when life is so hard, as im sure you're all aware - typical as and sad stuff. it is quite literally the case where nobody can understand me, especially the alexithymia bit. thought i'd post on here to see what could happen, but i don't know. thanks for reading, don't feel obligated to reply - i feel self conscious enough as it is posting this.

I feel this is an Aspie moment for me because there are thoughts running around my little brain after reading your post, and I am not sure if I will be able to explain them clearly.

You could be feeling better than you think you are. By writing you are actively trying to do something to change the situation, your depression. Which then makes me want to ask you about alexithymia. "so i cant 'feel' my feelings" I don't understand that too well since you are able to feel sad, depressed.

Lately I have been very feeling pretty depressed too. I decided that I have to do the things I would be doing if I wasn't feeling depressed. And it usually works. Just walking around after work does wonders for my attitude. I read some of your old posts and found that you like to play Zelda. Have you been playing any games lately?

I know it wasn't easy for you to post that message. I admire for doing it, and truly hope that things change for the better. This website is here for people to say whatever they need to say without having any worries about people judging them. Please let us know how you are doing.

irene

You people depress me...

If you want to die, do it the right way. No hanging yourself, no cutting your wrist, no food poisoning, no jumping off of buildings -- all that is BS. Just don't eat. Simply starve. It'll be a slow, considerable way which guarantees that you'll suddenly start thinking in a different matter and will finally start weighing life and death. I'm also quite sure that it'll be a fun experience. You might actually find it enjoyable.

Or you could get drugged, something like an intake of high quantities of alcohol, marijuana, shrooms, LSD, whatever floats your boat, something simple but not deadly. It'll get the motor in your head to work again.

Have fun.

Do try to stay aware of what kind of person you are and what your goals are. Even if you blank out emotionally it's still worthwhile for you to live your life, to do what you want to do, or try to figure out what that is.

If you are feeling suicidal, get to a hospital as soon as possible. Please don't die.

Thanks guys, it has passed. By saying that I do not 'feel' my feelings, I mean that I am not subjectively awareof them. Instead of interpreting butterflies as nervousness, one is inclined to think they suffering from a stomach upset. That is asimple example and something that I can figure out quite easily, but there are many that slip by. Essentially, I only 'feel' the physical symptoms of an emotion, and have to logically suss out what the underlying emotional cause is.

It's pretty frustrating, as you can imagine, and it has meant that I grew up not being able to directly deal with my emotions. This has the unfortunate consequence of making any strong emotion overwhelm me, as I have not had much experience in regulating such emotions generally.

Making that post was more the act of letting it out, and I'm sorry if I concerned anyone - I hope I didn't, and it was certainly very selfish of me to do so. But if not here, then I don't see anywhere else where it could be possible.

In any case, there is a high comorbidity rate between alexithymia and AS, so if you feel that you are not in touch with your emotions and unable to directly process them, look up alex - it may hold a few answers for you.

Oh, and one last thing. f**k you agon, this is the haven you selfish prick and I didn't come here to be attacked, especially in my own thread.

When you were talking about alexithymia, being unaware of your feelings, it seems many of us here have that to some extent, though for most Aspies it's mainly the fact that they struggle to express their emotions, instead of being oblivious to them.

Well sometimes I find myself having to analyse my thoughts to see where they are coming from, and I quite often don't know why I feel a certain way.

And when you mentioned about the butterflies and nervousness, I have never been able to quite associate the two either. That recently happened to me when I had my university interviews.