mjs82 wrote:
I doubt anyone will read it all any way.
I did. Wow. I can't believe I did that.
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After the show started, our friend showed up, lets call her Sally, and she was upset. We asked her (I do the show with a friend) and she wouldn’t really tell. I was generally concerned for what was worrying her. She pretty much is in a lousy situation where she feels alone, desperate and has an idea that having a child would be a good thing. She was complaining that she would never get enough money to have kids through an insemination service etc and she should go whore herself on the street in a self deprecating manner.
Wow. If she really believes that a child will make her happier, well, she is wrong. In the right place, at the right time, a child can bring joy (not that I'd know - honest!) but it won't help where she is right now.
To even consider whoring herself to have a child is a sign of extremely low self-esteem. Still, she has not hit rock bottom yet. A few women actually do go out and try to have children this way.
I doubt she is actually that far along, of course.
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Later on, when my co-host left the room, she brought up the Cronulla race riots and I had said that the previous DJ had said something which I had thought was really terrible. He had said: “They’ve (the Lebanese) have been fighting and killing each other for thousands of years” to which I had replied “So have Caucasians.” Now after telling Sally that, remind you she had brought the topic up so as had the previous DJ, Sally said: “Well they should wear our clothes and not tell us that our way of life is wrong.” I said that I felt she was exaggerating a minority to encapsulate the entire muslim community. Essentially the conversation got to a point where she explained that the reason she felt like this was because she was sick of them forcing their religions on her, in particular the wearing of the clothing in public. I had said, wanting to know why she felt that way, ‘When did they do that?” to which she replied “There’s always Jo-ho’s knocking on my door.” Jo-hos I later learnt are Jehovah’s Witnesses. I believe she had brought this up because my co-host, Adam, had brought up that topic earlier in front of her. I then said, quite logically and probably un-emotionally: “So because Jehovah’s witnesses knocked on your door, the muslim people who wish it, shouldn’t be allowed to wear their garments in public?” That was the end of the conversation as I had to queue up some records and she went back out onto the computer.
How were you able to infer the reference to Jo-ho's if you did not find out what it meant until later?
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Anyhow, he suggested I be the father and she said, ‘No they’d be even more ret*d.’ At first this didn’t bother me, but the more this conversation continued, the worse I felt. I said, ‘My children would be little geniuses.’ And she said ‘They’d have warped hair.’ It was stupid pointless stuff. I was starting to get the feeling that because she had felt so down in the dumps when she arrived, that once she started saying this stuff, she started to feel better, regardless on how bad it was making other people feel.
There are a lot of possible reasons for this. My uneducated guess: she likes you but is resentful that you don't return her feelings, and said that to compensate.
Not that she should have said those sorts of things to you in the first place.
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This started to make me feel bad, for reasons I will soon clarify, and after the full blast finished, I went quiet thinking and she said, “He’s having a MJS-82 moment. Has to be the centre of attention.” Which made me feel awful for feeling bad. It hurt me. So I left the room and she said more things like that. I went out to the computer to not think about it and Sally and Adam were in the studio talking about what was happened and she was yelling out “MJS-82 thinks I’m a b****.” And I said “No I don’t.” That happened a few times. When I finally went back into the studio she said something else and I said “I know you feel bad, but you don’t have to make me feel bad to make yourself feel better.” Even Adam could tell I was upset. But she said, there he goes again. Finally, I went back out and she said “Bye MJS-82” and I said “Bye Sally.” And she was gone. She had made me feel sad over the children comment, then made me feel worse for feeling sad, like it was her night to feel bad or something and I was stealing her spotlight.
You did nothing wrong. You were hardly taking anyone's spotlight.
Why she was trying to make you feel bad or guilty, I don't know.
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Look, I have nothing against Sally, like I said she was my friend. I wasn’t trying to force anything upon her in any way when we were talking about the riots. That stuff she said, was more misguided and angry because she was upset and probably didn’t want to hear it, which I was probably meant to realise but didn’t.
My uneducated guess: She probably knows this.
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I was in love with my best friend whom I was in a band with her ex-boyfriend. She was a closeted lesbian in love with another friend of mine in her music class. The ex-boyfriend and a series of other people used me. I was repeatedly lied to, kicked in the guts and thrown on the ground. She was suicidal, repeatedly hospitalised in a psychiatric institute in high school and later diagnosed with bi-polar. This might sound awful, but she got help going through this. I didn’t. I had to give the eulogies at both my grandfather’s funeral when they within months of each other. I had no one to spill my guts to and cry to so all these events have permantly destroyed me and killed me quite a bit such that each day I die a little bit more. I am directionless and listless. I might be able to distract myself, drawing battlemaps of Arizona is an example, but its fleeting. Any how, sorry for that side track and rough summarization. I did not do it justice. Imagine hell and you might understand what it was like.
The second year of university I found out the girl, let’s call her Molly, had developed a uterine cancer which had the possibility of destroying her ability of ever conceiving a child. During the “I hate you” speeches of the end of high school and the unsubstantiated rumour that I was dying of testicular cancer, something was said that was important to me, probably unimportant to Molly. One of those throwaway lines. It was “If you want, I could be the father of your child.” In say ten, fifteen years, not thinking it meant anything. This was after a massive series of shock revelations.
Whoa. Wow.
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All this stuff came flooding back once again. The reason when I brought this up to Adam on the car on the way home is at the time I had found out about her cancer, me and him had gotten into a petty argument, I can’t even remember over what, I think he had said that I was arrogant most of the time and I said “I hate you.” That is his pet peeve. I should never have said it, but I was just feeling awful from what I had found out. It was a “I Hate You” to the world in general. After grovelling etc, he forgave me but has pretty much never let me forget it, or is it me that’s not letting me forget.
IMHO, if he is doing that then he shouldn't be.
Try not to feel bad about that kind of stuff ... it is hardly your fault.
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Another person feels bad. Makes me feel bad. I remember old bad stuff. I feel worse. She makes me feel worse for feeling worse. I write this post. Any how, I suppose this awful tale is done now. And I see other people posting the question, “What the hell is wrong with me?”. Maybe I should ask, “Is there anything right with me?”
Plently.
14 Dec 2005, 9:34 am
But you have my thoughts.
