Woke up to a text from a friend, M. He tells me his brother (D) has tried to kill himself and almost succeeded. Im not really surprised that D tried to kill himself, hes always been a petty and miserable person who takes a truly staggering amount of drugs - but doesn't think it counts as drug use because they are pharmaceuticals, not street drugs (never mind the fact that he takes triple dosage on conflicting medicines to counteract each others side effects). Something tells me that this is why about half of his liver is scar tissue, and he was looking for a transplant. The only redeeming quality I, or anyone Ive talked to, have seen in D is that he likes computer games, and is willing and able to to help people with computer problems. He helped me narrow down components for this computer, for example.
A couple minutes later Im online and talking to M. His brother took all of his Xanax - he claims he took his "normal dose" of 3 bars, which is three times what he has been prescribed (lets not even get into how he mixes alcohol with that). He temporarily paralyzed his legs, his liver is failing, his heart is up, and his muscle enzymes are bad. But hes alive - well, his heart is still beating, its pretty obvious that he wont get a liver transplant now (if he even had a chance) and he will probably get his wish, just the slow way.
Its really hard to feel sorry for D. He barely has any positive characteristics, and those are pretty minor next to how he behaves when hes in a good mood. But to not see how his parents helped f**k up each of their four children is folly. Their mother is an emotional parasite - she all but worships disability and preaches the evils of personal responsibility and self improvement, instead preferring to have any setback coddled with understanding and reassurances that do nothing to improve self esteem - while their father is a dead link - he is there, but he isnt. He has a flat affect, showing NO response to any stimulus, except when he gets mad and then he turns into a raging bully. He and 3 of their 4 children clearly have varying degrees of autism. M and D are both one of those 3.
M does not care that his brother is going to die, but instead encourages the decision. D has intentionally kept himself in a limbo worse then death for years (all the while proclaiming his intentions and torturing anyone who becomes emotionally invested in him), so it is hard to disagree. I did however try to get M to see that D has the POTENTIAL for recovery. I was quick to make the point that he wont, but if D had tried to he could have improved himself, could have pulled himself out of a haze. He had that opportunity and attacked it whenever possible.
M also has a flat affect. Not as severe as his father's, but he very well might be a sociopath in addition. Everything comes to him in terms of cost benefit - Ive always been in the black, so to speak, and anything he has ever done against me has been trivial and easily forgotten (and I leave myself open in ways to check - I /know/ he has stolen (bogus) passwords of mine, but after carefully watching login attempts over a number of years I concluded that he has never tried to use them). M is smart and intensely dislikes society at a large. Because I see a large part of this as having been caused by the psychological abuse that his family is capable of generating, I have remained his friend for a number of years, trying-without-attempt to get him to develop emotionally.
M recently had a son. He said he felt nothing and told me that he didn't see what the big deal was. Still, Ive seen a smile on him a couple of times while playing with his newborn that was different from his normal grin of amusement. It held something else, some slight indicator of hope.
In the course of my discussion with M we eventually got off the subject of his brother's suicide, because D is generally not worthy of much discussion. I started talking about potential, and emotional growth, using my own story of how someone can come from an abusive home and learn to not only overcome it, but grow into things that you are supposed to be taught as a child (simple, clumsy things like how to be happy when your friends are happy). I was trying to use it as bridge to let M see how there is hope for improving himself.
M instead revealed to me that he intended to do everything he could to stunt his son's emotional and social growth. He outlined a plan (which was an affront on everything I believe in) to isolate his son, tear down his ego before it developed, and instead relentlessly train him on practical skills. He claims that he thinks that socializing and emotions are unhealthy, and that by snuffing them out he is giving his son the only chance of happiness he has. He told me that his son will be lucky to turn out to be "half as happy as him".
I was upset and tried to tell get him to see my point of view. I failed and only isolated M from me further. My mother claims that M is a scary person, and that I am an enabler by being his friend. I have a hard time disagreeing, but I don't think M would change even if he lost his only friend. Im just about ready to give up on him and his entire family (believe it or not, M is the most sane member of their family), but I know that if I am not involved in M's son's life then that child will never see kindness or emotion. His father will punish him for it, and keep him alone. Meanwhile, M's wife will continue to do anything M needs and always relent when when he insists (she has avoided mention until now for just that reason - she seemingly exists to facilitate M's existence and mitigate his shortcomings).
I know I can't stop this cycle entirely, not everywhere, not in everyone, but is there nothing I can do to save his infant son from that culture of abuse? Or even to save myself from having to watch that happen again? Watching it happen to me was bad enough, but I had a pretty specific set of circumstances and personal characteristics that let me survive... and I don't want to see someone else needlessly kill themselves just because one of those mitigating factors fails to present itself.
20 Jan 2009, 7:55 am
