Gah...

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Life Issues.

I lack self-confidence. I guess. I've never really thought about it. But the way I act, to the world... shows everyone that I don't have confidence.

Causes: I forget tons of information. Some people are detail minded, I'm not. I ask questions and look like I'm unsure. I am unsure, but just of a few details. This causes others to think I'm confused/stupid, which means people regard treat me as more stupid than I actually am.

I'm always on a quest for knowledge. I'm always trying to figure things out... on my own or with others help. Asking questions is a good thing. But if you ask questions the way that I do, people think you are ignorant or confused or whatever. They regard you as the stupid for asking questions that someone of your 'intelligence' should know. End result: more blows to my confidence.

I'm easy going and non-confrontational. In most social situations I'm trying to think of what to do as to not offend someone. I try to be helpful, understand another situation. I try to explain things in way they would understand. I pause and delay in social situations because I'm trying to react appropriately. I don't really know how to act anyother way... except respond to what people expect of me. Otherwise I'd just do nothing socially, I have no other personal expectations... I do what people want of me... I just forget what they want.

I have difficulty handling day to day tasks. This is a difficult for me to accept, and I don't really know where to turn to get help. I have problems handling my finances/finding a job/planning my life/doing the normal day to day things adults are supposed to do.

Causes: Forgetfulness again. I have a terrible memory, and I forget about paying bills/maintenance/social events. I used to think I could handle all of these things... I'm thinking otherwise... I need serious help in getting this aspect of my life in order. It's difficult to accept... because I'm intelligent in other ways... so no one suspects that I have a problem with this.

Distractability... I don't know what causes this...adhd or whatever... but I just have big problems here too. I could lump forgetfulness in with it, but I think it's a different issue. I just find it difficult to focus.

A lack of training in such matters: I don't know how it's supposed to work in other family's... or if people are just supposed to pick up on the day to day issues of handling your life. But I have never been taught any of these skills. I just tried to pick them up along the way, perhaps this is the way it's done... but I think with my difficulties... more direct training would have been helpful. I don't think I was helped along at all in the day to day matters of adulthood. I've been going to college for the last 8 years, so nothing like this has ever come up.

I have no parents anymore. My Mom passed away over a year ago. My Dad hasn't been in my life since I was a young teenager, and before that even when he was in my life... he wasn't around much. It seems like I have never grown up and can't handle the responsibilities of being an adult. But I have no place to turn to for help. The expectations are for me to be grown as an intelligent adult.... but I have these other social/cognitive problems that make it impossible.

I have two parts of me, the socially awkward, lacking self-confident/child-like downward spiral self... and the intelligent/can plan things/graduated college/ has it all together self. On the surface family and most others tend to see the intelligent self... when I look to find a job and do anything socially I feel like the other self. I have an immense fear of informing my family about how truly low I feel about my ability to handle adult life... since they consider me capable. And I have a difficult time conveying my intelligent self in social situations like job interviews and 'networking'.

Well, these are some problems I have. I'm getting tired of writing this, and I don't know what I'm writing it for. But I have problems with my life... and I don't have anyone to talk to about them.... and my life is like a downward spiral now and I have problems living like an adult and I am starting to doubt my ability to live independently.... even though everyone in my life believes I should be able to just fine.

I don't know if anyone wants to read this or comment. But I do like comments or anything you would like to say...

I've continued to search for what is 'wrong' with me... I haven't found it yet... but I'm starting to judge my life by what I can't do and not by what I can do. Despite what people have told me... it seems the better metric.

I understand what you mean by trying to figure out what is wrong with you. I've been doing this almost my entire life. I too have low self confidence and I can completely relate to your second point. As far as the two selfs are concerned I can realte too. Sometimes I still feel like I'm an immature child (5 year old) trapped in an adults body. I wish I was care free like a five year old though.

I'm the same way but my parents help me. I call them from across the country and ask about stuff all the time. No friends or family in the city where I'm living. Can't imagine what it would be like to have to figure everything out on my own.

I despise writing applications, figuring out paperwork, making phone calls, meetings, interviews, figuring out where to go to buy certain things, etc. It's like torture, pulling teeth. The world is so illogical, disordered, and nonsensical I can hardly stand it. It makes no sense that I'm intelligent enough to understand advanced mathematics yet I can't deal with financial crap.

I also have very low confidence and very low motivation for 90% of life. You're definitely not alone. The world is such a cold lonely place.

Yeah, that's exactly it.

If I can sum up my experience with life in one word it would be, unintuitive. Like banking or taxes or shopping or dating or driving or cooking or finding a job... every life skill has all these little details that I get overwhelmed with... or I forget the jargon and words used... or there's some social barrier that I have no clue how to navigate. Or I just get distracted and forget about it...

Yes! I'm also one of those people who's great with understanding everything in theory but feels completely useless when it comes to anything practical. Somehow you're supposed to understand all the nonsense without ever being told. I think most people must be so motivated to get ahead in the rat race that they just eat the crap up. They have to be taught the theory in school because they don't care about learning anything that can't be used as a tool to get ahead in life.

The whole system is set up to suit those who learn in a way that's polar opposite from us. I'd much rather do the book learning on my own and be taught the practical stuff in a class room setting. I'm not able to make myself care enough about it to learn on my own. Trying to figure out my finances just makes me want to shove my pen up through my eye socket and be done with it all. Seriously.

Last edited by marshall on 20 Jan 2009, 3:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

For me, I call it, not being able to assume.

Thankyou for writing all of that. I can relate to much of it.

Can you imagine a world, that could not assume a single thing. Well, it exists in my head. HA!

I can only connect understood perspective associations. I think that is really awesome and really freaking weird.

On the Job:

I'm pretty much known as "that sweet girl" and am not very memorable. People would come to me because they knew I would do the work. I actually excel at customer service and have been told I have a great "phone voice". Most of that, I think, comes from my mom making sure I had good manners, and also taking business classes in office type settings. In this type of setting I have, kind of like, formulas... so to say. "Hello, are you looking for anything in particular today?" (smile, wait for response) "I think I might know what you are looking for, let me take you there./ I don't believe we have that, let me ask x first though. No we don't have that, you might be able to find something like that from x." (apologize, sad smile, wait for them to ask something else or to turn away. Lather, rinse, repeat.)

On the social scene:

Friends? um.... I do play the role of hostess well though.

On the day to day tasks:

If the distractabability and lack of focus are huge impacts, you might want to talk to your doctor about a possibility of your having ADD.

Part of my problems are solved by a computer calendar that reminds me of things the day before and then 15 minutes prior to having to do something. As long as I write it all in as soon as I know it, I'm mostly good. Part of my routine involves me turning my computer on as I walk by when I wake up.

Another one of my problems is solved by the ability to pay my bills on-line through my bank. I never really mail anything. I make a list (in notepad) of the month: things to pay! then I list my bills. Gas, electric, phone, trash, Xbox LIVE... and I write down on my list how much everything is that month and the day it is due. I then go to my bank's web site and schedule everything to be paid, then promptly write the day it will go through on my list, and forget about it until I get a prompting E-mail the next month to pay my bills from the gas company.

I also keep a 3 ring binder for house things, I keep things like stuff for my taxes, my medical papers, a list of phone numbers, important receipts, owners manuals, and one for the paper copies of my bills. (I always keep it in the same place).


Sorry about your mum, it must be/ have been difficult without her.

I can identify with the split identity. For me its a little different - I have the executive functioning issues like problems with complex tasks or being a slow learner off the start, rather than having poor memory though I feel like I have to struggle to be an adult; its like I'm not an adult, likely never will be an adult - and my gut urge, the only seems to work, is being my own worst nightmare of a bully, pretty much beating myself into the pavement over any little flaw, especially when it betrays me in the senses you were talking about such as stealing face, lessening other people's faith in my mental acuity; stuff like that frankly scares the hell out of me. What's even more of a problem - I don't hide from reality as well as some do, being that I seem to gravitate bullying even more that a lot of people here let on that they do I have to rail on myself to toughen up, constantly think of what disability means in terms of evolutionary psychology, and a lot of those thoughts I won't get into because I know that especially in this folder it would be extraordinarily impolite to share them.

I had another day like many where I quite literally beat myself nauseous with this whole go-round over my challenges. I wish I didn't feel the obligation to but its either handle it myself or, end up disgracing myself to where I *really* have something to cry about - that sense of being tied to my own self-destruction out of sheer necessity is rather frightening and I know at the same time, if its like that - just by merit - I don't deserve to have anyone in my life or even be happy; why I'm doing it to myself is irrelevant in the eyes of that logic.

I guess the best we can do is, like you did, lay it out there and remind each other that behind it all we're all struggling with this. Knowing the grass isn't greener in the next person's position's about all we have and I think its important to remember that a great many NT's have a similar level of strife as well - its nothing we have any kind of monopoly on. At the same time, as a note to self, I really have to hope that I can find a way to resolve these internal issues and come up with a healthier way to maintain my harder edges, my masculinity, my adult accountability, etc.. - otherwise I could be looking at some serious cardiac problems by my mid 30's.