I don't feel too good.

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There are most days when you can ignore reality, but then there are those days when you can see through the fabric. Makes me shiver. It's Fri night, I usually go out somewhere...not today, so the thoughts are free to come, nothing to stop them or avert them. Thoughts about the future, about why me...I shouldn't ever complain, as only I know this and to the rest of them all is well (with some occasional exceentricities). I just realized today, a few hours ago..I never actually took it in. I never really really went through the steps, to get to that acceptance. I guess I am stuck between denial and anger.

Sorry, just a little rant..I am very upbeat and optimistic..just as I said, there are moments when one peeks inside.


Let me add -I consider this trailblazing, like the early explorers of an unkown land. There is not much being known or understood about AS. The science is in its infancy. Being part of trailblazing is rare, unique and actually pretty cool. I like being an explorer. Uncharted territory...a blank on the map...as far as the eyes can see.. And someone needs to experience this unknown, has to draw the paths, the trails..needs to explain them to others, so that they understand it and see the beautiful map. But then I also get upset sometimes..that's what I mean when I said I was wondering "why me."

It's a process that ebbs and flows. Realit is sneaky like that, eh? It comes whens you least expect it and sometimes you feel like you can't breathe. I like the term "trailblazing." I will have to remember that.