I can't live like that. I don't want her to hurt herself. I hope she was joking just so I don't cut. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt that would do to me. That would possibly make me suicidal and I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DIE! I have a bright future ahead of me, especially after this stupid recession. I have a business career with my art, and a speaking career to promote disability awareness for autism and mental health conditions including schizophrenia. I have a mission in the world. I know you guys have told me over and over again that there's no bomb, but I actually feel the shape and everything in my neck. At times the crawling from the nanobots inside of me is unbearable, I can even feel it in my brain. Maybe they are rotting out my brain so I will eventually die. I want to live! Breaking news! I have a brain! That is rare for a human to have (but I think most of you here have one too so don't worry). The reason why people don't have brains is their driving skills. You all know what I'm talking about! Back to the problem. I still feel like cutting because of the feelings and my mission to save mankind from world war 3. I DON'T WANT HER TO ACCIDENTALLY KILL HERSELF and have it be my fault. Can you imagine how much guilt that would put on a person? I am doing well, and I am happy at this moment. I went into the hospital last week and they didn't accept me because my cuts weren't deep enough and I read the DSM IV. Pathetic hospital! Honestly, even though I HATE the hospital, that is where I would feel the safest. Maybe they can perform surgery the proper way to get the bomb out unless the surgeons won't know how to do that kind of operation. Speaking of surgery, the stressor that is bothering me is that my mom needs back surgery, not looking forward to that. She has something called Sjogren's disease which is an auto-immune disease, which makes surgery more dangerous to have, even for simple surgeries. Last time she had a "real" surgery, she nearly died not once, but twice. Her shoulder became infected. But my episode actually started way back in October, progressively getting worse and making me scared to death. I am not delusional about anything. Maybe I should go into the hospital, so it prevents me from cutting and therefore mom won't have to cut. I mean a different hospital, not the one that hates me anyways. Why do they hate me? My medical knowledge and they don't believe a word that comes out of my mouth and they are liars over there. Last time they had bullies that hurt my feelings constantly so AFTER getting out of the hospital I was actually WORSE, and slit my wrist but of course I survived because I did it wrong. Thank god I didn't die! I was super depressed at that time, right now I am closer to being manic and depressed at the same time, a "mixed" episode. So, what do I do?