NT's just don't understand

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I posted on the so called support form on another messageboard about people's reactions to my meerkat obsession and got this:
What I said:

The problem isn't the meerkat part, but the obsession part. Sure, everyone (or at least most people) are interested in some band, factoid, animal, or aspect of life that other people aren't interested in and don't "get." Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with being an expert on an animal and really enjoying learning about it. But when something is an obsession--literally an obsession, not just "I'm obsessed with ponies, ha ha, funny!"--that's not healthy. It's also not very interesting for other people if that's literally all you talk about. Healthy interactions are about sharing your interests with others, not talking about nothing BUT your particular interest. You have to listen back.

Imagine if you wanted to share some neat meerkat information with someone but they kept veering back to the topic of their own obsession, a rock band. And that was all they talked about. Ever. Every time you saw them. It wouldn't make for a very fun conversation, would it?

The reason shrinks tell your mom to discourage you from obsessing about meerkats is probably because they want you to learn how to have more positive social interactions with others. I guarantee you they realize this is an aspect of Aspergers; but once you get out of school the real world (especially the working world) is not going to adapt to you because you have Aspergers. You have to adapt to the world.

LadyMoondancer wrote:

The problem isn't the meerkat part, but the obsession part. Sure, everyone (or at least most people) are interested in some band, factoid, animal, or aspect of life that other people aren't interested in and don't "get." Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with being an expert on an animal and really enjoying learning about it. But when something is an obsession--literally an obsession, not just "I'm obsessed with ponies, ha ha, funny!"--that's not healthy. It's also not very interesting for other people if that's literally all you talk about. Healthy interactions are about sharing your interests with others, not talking about nothing BUT your particular interest. You have to listen back.

Imagine if you wanted to share some neat meerkat information with someone but they kept veering back to the topic of their own obsession, a rock band. And that was all they talked about. Ever. Every time you saw them. It wouldn't make for a very fun conversation, would it?

The reason shrinks tell your mom to discourage you from obsessing about meerkats is probably because they want you to learn how to have more positive social interactions with others. I guarantee you they realize this is an aspect of Aspergers; but once you get out of school the real world (especially the working world) is not going to adapt to you because you have Aspergers. You have to adapt to the world.

I agree with what LadyMoondancer said. Meerkats are fine and lots of people are interested in them. Yes, Timon was inaccurate. I have always known what they were since I was a child because I saw an episode of Wild Kingdom (or something) that featured them and I thought they were really cool animals.

Its the obsession part that is hard for people to deal with. My cousin has Asperger's and he is fascinated by hydraulic fittings, plumbing and heating fittings/pipes, etc. To be blunt, talking with him is annoying and boring. I have tried humoring him, I have tried talking about these things with him ... none of that worked. So now, when he talks about them, I just tell him I don't care, don't want to talk about them and that if he can't discuss anything else, then I get off the phone with him. Its that simple. I also used to work with a teen who has AS and was obsessed with tractors. I know another who is obsessed with knitting. These obsessions can make it difficult to nearly impossible for someone with AS to have a meaningful relationship with someone who doesn't have AS (I am related to my cousin and truly care for him, but he is irritating.)

As someone who is neurotypical, I can tell you that people without AS tend to get annoyed by someone who babbles endlessly about there obsession. As I once heard a parent say about their child with AS, "Asperger's explains your behavior, but it doesn't excuse it." It sounds harsh, but its true.

Anyone who has an obsession will be picked on, whether they have Asperger's or not. Constantly talking about the same topic opens yourself up to ridicule and people will take the opportunity to pick on you.

My son has Asperger's and he's TOTALLY obsessed with Mario and robots. Sometimes it makes me crazy that he's constantly talking about it over and over and over and over and over LOL But, I know enough about how his brain works to know that it's comforting to him. I would never punish him using that.

Yes, it gets annoying to constantly have someone talking about the same topic all the time. But, it's your choice. If it makes you happy, do it! But, you can't expect everyone to be on the same level as you It's unfair to make them listen to the same sermon for a 10th time

You must really like that "meerkat manor" show!

I completley agree with you. Even though my interests and obsessions are much broader than the average aspie (I'm mostly into art, phsycology, astrology, and biology) I don't think anyone should be judged because their obsessions aren't "normal".

For example, a lot of little girls in america are OBSESSED with hanna montana. Their walls are covered with her posters, they collect cd's, watch the show every day, talk about her all the time, and even wear clothed with her face on them. And their behavior is aqccepted as normal simply because it's a common obsession. But if a little girl became equally obsessed with astrology and spent most of her time in the library reading about black holes and the big bang, her obsession would be seen as strange or even dangerous and destructive.

I think what a lot of NT's don't get is that they are just as annoying to us as we are to them. Obsessivly taliking about which pop idol is getting divorced and who's going out with who at school is just as annoying as obsessivley talking about Einstine's theory of gravity.

And about that "Asperger's explains your behaivor, but doesn't excuse it" is just another way of saying "You're wierd and you should be like everyone else."

I find the responses to this sad, but not unexpected. What really grates at me about this all too common attitude is that if it were not for asperger obsessions half the comforts of society NT's take for granted wouldn't exist.

Being annoyed by them/finding them irritating - fine. That's understandable. My parents are often irritated by me on the phone, and can hang up on me when I start repeating myself and I completely understand this and don't blame them in the slightest.

Saying the Aspergers person should be forced to let go of their obsession - pure stupidity. It's like saying to Einstein that he was "unhealthily obsessed" with maths, and that he should go and find other things to occupy his lifetime.

I wish I had as constructive obsession as meerkats. Mine at the moment I think is more my career direction and future, which only produces endless anxiety (because I'm not interested enough in anything else to consider studying it; all my thoughts are taken up with finding my career direction, it's a paradox hahaha). I'm trying to find a new obsession (my obsessions change a lot, I've never had a long term one).

But yes, you could finish school, study Zoology or Biology (or something along those lines, I'm not going to pretend to be well informed in this area), and then become a meerkat expert. You could write books on meerkats, start your own meerkat shows, figure out ways to prevent meerkats from being endangered in the environment. All sorts of things. You could really make a difference in your area, which is more than many NT's (who couldn't care less about their jobs) can say.

I went through the same thing, when I've revealed my Routemaster obsession here. I won't go into the details. That's all in the past. I find that a lot of NTs don't understand but I also find that there are a few Aspies who don't understand, as well. I find that most people on the spectrum are more likely to understand, where as most NTs are not likely to understand. I don't talk about them red beauties anywhere as much as I used to. That doesn't mean that my special interest has died out and dried up, though.

That's what the edit button is for Buggsley.



Even though I do agree what those people say because yeah you shouldn't talk about your obsessions all the time because people just don't want to hear them all the time. It's okay as long as they want to hear it and you must do the same in return by listening to what they want to talk about or it's just selfish if you don't do the same in return. It's being courteous. And sometimes when they talk about something, you might find it interesting because you might get curious and ask them questions about what they are talking about and it keeps the conversation going just like people might be curious about your meerkats and would ask you questions about them because they want to know more about them and might want to know what got you into them and how your interest started and why you like them. Don't take this as an attack, it's my friendly advice.

Even aspies get tired of hearing someone talk about something over and over they are not interested in so it's not just an NT thing. That should tell us we are not to talk about our obsessions all the time or else we are annoying them because do we like it when they do it to us? If we want people to listen to our obsessions, we should listen to theirs in return because it's just nice. Do we want to listen about something all the time? If no, then we shouldn't talk about our obsessions all the time and expect people to listen? My dad is obsessed with sports and he starts talking about it and I tell him I don't care for it. One time I gave him a taste of my own medicine by talking about Benny & Joon to him and he started laughing and said I was a funny girl. Well I sure showed him and he stopped talking about his sports.

My mother thinks my Benny & Joon is unhealthy and thinks I should do other things and doesn't like the idea I watch the movie twice a day and listen to the soundtrack over and over. Well she did the same thing with her Eric Claptin and she says she doesn't play it everyday but I told her she played it all the time in the car. I once made a thread about why obsessions "are unhealthy" and listed the reasons why from what my mother said about me to me of what happens when I get too far into them. My mother even thinks I might lose my bf because of my B&J but he told her knew about it before we got into a relationship.

You're right. NT's don't understand.

I won't name names but I was speaking with someone last night about how he had previously called my behaviors 'stupid' and I told him that I find that offensive and he was like "Well it's not smart! What if there was some guy on the floor spazzing out and going 'bhblbbhbh'? How is that not stupid??"

His judgmental and ignorant attitude is appalling

Yes, "Meerkat Manor" rocked. Recently they were showing all the episodes in the Natural History Museum in London at lunchtimes which is 5 minutes walk from where I work, so of course I was over there (actually I go there lunchtimes anyway because there is nearly always something cool at that time). Might actually download the series in fact. It's definitely the sort of thing you can watch again and again.

Well I don't think there is anything wrong with an obsession, unusual or otherwise. As long as you know when and where to let it into conversation and for how long/deep.

An NT who was obsessed with something unusual would (usually) have the social awareness to know not to talk at length about it with just anyone. While us aspies are blind to the fact that we are boring the other person.

I expect other people to tell me if I am boring them. That's what I do to my dad. Other people, they don't talk about the same thing all the time but if they did, then I would tell them I don't care for it, I'm not interested, and I don't want to hear it. My dad just brings it up randomly and I just don't want to hear about his sports. My mom is the same way too.

I am really really close to leaving the Pony Arena (message board that is on) perminetly. Those chicks have really pissed me off. I am enraged. If my parents did take away my meerkat collections I probably really would have killed myself. I could explain until the cows come home and they always come along and argue with me. I posted what you guys said and someone posted this:

What is a meerkat? is it a cat like animal?

Some of those replies are right, aren't them? At least the last two...

It is certainly true that if you want to succeed in this world you have to become a total hypocrite and make sure nobody learns about your obsessions cause it may annoy them that you are not like them, obsessed with being popular, increasing your friend count in myspace or about getting the best haircut possible. It is not a good idea to show any sort of individual traits in this world - If you want to 'succeed' that is.

this world does reward comformity. totally sucky.
because difference adds richness and helps society to evolve.