I need some words of encouragement.. (Updated!)

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Well here's the short: I want to leave my husband but I'm too scared.

We've had tons of problems for years and I've wanted to leave him many times before but I keep staying because I am weak and because I have low self-esteem and I can't actually believe that I deserve to be happy. I feel selfish for thinking that I deserve to be happy or I want ... whatever. We get along pretty well as friends .. so I don't want to hurt him. He has nowhere to go if we break up except back home with his parents and I don't want to do that to him either. It seems like it will just break him if I did actually leave and that kills me.

But I have been kind of feeling a little more confident lately and I decided that I do want to do it. There are a lot of problems we could probably work on, but there's just some things that I don't ever think will change and they are not things I am willing to overlook. I think I have grown alot in this relationship and I have learned to overlook lots of smaller problems and I've worked on getting over the bigger ones.. maybe with enough time we could. But there's just one huge roadblock that doesn't look like it's ever going to budge. He says it will but I have no reason to beleive him because it has always been there. It's a big issue to me and I don't WANT to live with it. I want to be happy.. and this is nessescary to me, for me to be happy. I have to do what I think will be best for me, right?

I'm just so scared about the execution of it. I don't know what to say. I don't know how I can be strong when he starts to cry or throw me on a guilt trip saying how it is all my fault and making me feel like a weasel and a coward for wanting out. I already feel so guilty.

I don't know how to leave.. what will we do with all of our furniture? What about the dog? There's so many what ifs and I don't do well with X factors.. I need to have things cut and dried or else I get really stressed and confused and don't know how to proceed.

Some ideas or words of encouragement would be appreciated.. if not, well then I still thank you for reading this. It was nice to write it and get it out anyway.

Last edited by mitharatowen on 04 Feb 2009, 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's common because as children we are taught that the world doesn't revolve around us, and adults sometimes takes this lesson too far and make us feel that we don't deserve happiness. That's how my parents make me feel, anyway.

It's important to realise that you DO deserve happiness. And you shouldn't have to stick with a relationship that makes you unhappy, no matter what (and that rule applies to friendships too, not just romantic relationships).

BTW, it is totally possible to be friends with someone post-divorce. My parents divorced when I was in Year 6, and they're still friends and Dad come for Sunday dinner every two weeks (unfortunately this means Mum aims all her anger at me instead, but hey).

Thanks gina

It is difficult to know what to advise. Divorces are seldom without strife and complications. A divorce will undoubtedly be difficult and painful but the pain will end and you will be free. If you continue living in a painful marriage you will never be happy and many years later will end up divorced anyway and regretting you did not do it sooner.

I'd say just bite the bullet and tell him.

Yeah, that makes sens TallyMan.

i've never been married but my parents have and i've seen it destroy my mum from an early age and it's still happening, if you feel like you're better off out of the relationship then i suggest you tae some time to adjust yourself to what would happen if the pair of you split up. you need to explain to your husband how you feel and instead of using the cliche' 'it's not you it's me' tell him that's it's neithe yous or his fault, it's just something that's happened. you can brea up slowly but mae sure the pair of you understand it's over and afterwards wor out what happens from there.

whatever you choose to do i hope the outcome maes you happier than you are now.

Wow, sorry to hear that mitharatowen.

I don't think it's easy for anyone. My mom and dad went through the same thing, so if you're going to go through with this, think carefully because there are things you're going to have to give up.

Also...if you haven't already. See if marriage counceling will help, I've seen some people say it's worked wonders in their relationship. Also bring up the issues that you two are having. I think communication is essential to a relationship and I know for most of us aspies it's tough. But at least you aren't just content in staying in a relationship that you feel isn't working for you. Most people make this mistake and then comes the cheating and other problems that arrise in a commited relationship.

You're only weak if you stay in your situation or let this attitude define who you are. Get some help outside your relationship and I don't just mean a therapist. You might want to work on you first. This is the same mistake I make and some things are beyond our power. So you may need some extra help...like here which is good you thought of this.



Hey, all of us are a little selfish one way or the other. Yes you deserve to be happy...but also realize you can't always expect to be happy or get what you want from a partner or person. We're all human and have our differences. Selfish would be to stay in this relationship....if it's that bad and make your partner more miserable. If he doesn't want a divorce....that will be his problem to work on. He too needs to understand this concept.



There are always going to be problems or roadblocks no matter how good your relationship may be. That's why they say for better or for worse. Again think carefully before planning to go through with this. You might want to try and communicate this to him. But first write down the problems so you can pinpoint what those are...it may give a bigger picture as to what the real problem is.



Yes but you also need to get an outside perspective too as well as some outside support....



It is going to take some crying...you might feel like a coward but to me a coward is someone who doesn't take action or go with their gut instinct. You're going to experience loss since obviously you do seem to care about him. Divorce doesn't always mean you should be angry or hate that person before the procedures take its course. I know because my mom and dad got a divorce...but their still friends and see each other a lot. They just couldn't live with eachother and I think it was very painful for both of them at first.

And no...don't feel guilty unless you're doing something you shouldn't behind his back. Honesty to me is the very opposite of selfishness given that you are not being bias about it and are worried about his feelings as well.



That's hard....especially if you two have a pet or kid in the middle of it....

Not sure how to answere that. I just hope whoever gets the dog takes good care of it...that's the most important thing for him/her.

As for the furntiture like I said, expect that there will be some losses but out of it will come things to gain from this. Sometimes you just have to let go in order to be happy. I had to let go of a lot of things when I became homeless and it was not easy. However, I eventually gained and bought in place of what was lost or given up.



Goodluck mitharatowen and I think you're strong enough. You just need a boost I think and some feedback. Don't feel guilty because your feelings count as much as his and if you feel like this isn't for you, the right thing would be a divorce. Some people stay in relationships and do some pretty stupid things. I've seen a lot of that...to me a coward or feeling guilty are the kind of people who aren't being honest and doing stuff behind eachother's backs. It's brave and honest to do what you are doing and that is asserting your feelings.

I hope this didn't come off too wordy and redundant.....

wow, what a mouthful, what a lot to think about I'm deeply sorry you're struggling with this. Have you considered counseling? A lot of people have communication problems and sometimes a third party professional can really help, even happy people should have counseling. The "big issue" that you mentioned, have you forced him or challenged him to actually work on it? It's hard to expect change just from someone who says they'll get to it later, or they'll change if they aren't challenged to actually change themselves. If you don't love him anymore there's not much you can do than try and make yourself happy. You are not responsible for what happens to him after the divorce. However, when the time comes that you feel the need to sit down and talk the break-up with him, take it calmly, don't get defensive. You're not wrong in this, just talk to him. If he gets angry, don't let that anger and tension rise, just stay calm, if you're at the point in said sit down conversation that you can't take the tension, just get up and leave, and say that you'll talk about it when he calms down and that nothing will be accomplished until the discussion continues in an adult manner. I'm going to be honest, if I was married and 20 years down the road I found out that my spouse never wanted to be with me, I would be so hurt that they would let me on for twenty years and they weren't happy for those twenty years. I would be so sad that I caused pain to a person I still care about.

I hope everything works out for you.
P.S. You're a beautiful person

P.P.S. We have your back here!!

Honestly, there's no good way to do this. He'll counter every argument, disagree with every premise, and pull every string he has to pull to keep you from doing this. Dealing with the practical issues of moving and packing your stuff, canceling the cable, etc... while he's pleading and begging is pretty much a nightmare, particularly for people like us.

The 'right' thing to do is to tell him face to face alone then move out as quickly as possible. But if you were to ask, say, his parents to take him somewhere for the weekend while you moved your stuff out and then leave a letter telling what you did and why you did it; or ask friends of yours to come with you when you tell him, to help you move out and prevent you from changing your mind, well let's just say I wouldn't think any less of you.

Aww thanks guys

MissConstrue, your post was very detailed and I greatly appreciate that. Thank you.

Also, please be assured that I have talked and talked about the problems we have. He will still be shocked but he shouldn't be. I have tried and tried to get through to him, he always seems to take the attitude that we can fix everything and they are not big deals. So that is why I will feel guilty walking away because I know he will say that its all easily fixable and I'm giving up.

Yes. The more I discuss it, the worse it gets. Seems to me like it might be a pride issue.

Too much pride is a terrible thing =\. You're not giving up, you're getting out. If he says that they're easily fixable then why haven't they already been fixed? In the end it's for the best of both of you if you feel the need to inevitably leave. Do you have the support of your parents behind you? have you discussed this with them, or any mentor figures you have in your life? I wish I had more advice to give.

Nah.. I don't really have any mentors.. family.. or friends around to help me.

It's alright, though.

Can't help , I don't know the reason why you would quit your husband but , based on your post, it doesn't sound there's a major reason ( such as cheating ,alcohol ,violence or financial problem) but probably many minor issues. If there was a major reason then you are gonna quit him without that hesitation and without any feeling of doubt or guilt or even a feeling of fear but since you are exhibiting feelings of guilt/fear and hesitation in your post then I guess you are doubting the morality of your decision.

Is there any major reason for making up this decision?

Mithara,

We've been down this road before. Here's what you need to do:

1. Establish another identity in another town, and do so legally. Rent a post office box in your middle and maiden names, and do the same with a safety deposit box.

2. Store all your valuables, a spare driver's license, your birth certificate, and your marriage license in the safety box. Include any other official documents as well (diplomas, business licenses, et cetera). Also remember to include the last five years' worth of W-2s and 1040s - both his and yours! You'll need these to establish income history to the court.

3. Obtain a credit card in your middle and maiden names, and list its address to the P.O. box. Stash it in the safety box.

4. Stash as many $20 bills in your safety box each week as you can without drawing suspicion from "Mr. Wonderful."

5. Hire a lawyer who specializes in divorce procedings. This lawyer is going to work for you, so make sure you get what you pay for. Shoot for a one-time cash settlement from "Mr. Wonderful" and forget about alimony - most men seem to delay or disregard those monthly payments, but a cash settlement might be easier to obtain.

6. If there are kids, make sure that you get them fingerprinted. That's right, some men abduct the children just to avoid having to pay for their support (This make no sense to me, either). Fingerprints will identify kids long after they've been "brainwashed" into believing that you're dead.

7. Settle for the kids to be carried on "Mr. Wonderful's" insurance, or for him to turn over enough cash to pay for their insurance and groceries each month. Ask for no more than what the law will reasonable allow.

8. Show up to every hearing.

If he doesn't solve these problems (regardless of intentions) then end it PROMPTLY. Unless perhaps these problems could actually be solved by you.

Point is no one here really knows the situation. If you're unhappy then get a divorce. You and ya fella will both be better off for it. But really YOU need to make this decision.

None of those issues that you mention. (Well there has been a little bit of violence .. mostly on my part, actually.) The 'big' problem that I mention is not on your list but is a deal breaker for many people, I think. I just didn't really come here to bash him or anything so I am not going into many details. I'm sure you'll agree that I don't need to justify my descision to anyone here.