Dunno what to do.

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Im real tired so I will keep it short.

Life is s**t tbh. I try and keep happy, and i keep my head up and I dont think anyone realises what goes on inside of me.

Every so often I have my random spouts of extreme depression like tonight. I used to turn to violence, but I met this girl and she helped me through that stage of life....was the friend I needed for atleast a year before ripping me heart out and walking all over it like most girls seem to enjoy doing.

Now when I get in a state like this...I crave drugs. Ive smoked a fair bit of weed so far through my teens...never actually done anything harder but I want to. Sounds stupid but I crave hard drugs that Ive never even done before.

I have no one to talk to that actually gives a s**t...and Im pretty sure I dont actually have any real friends.

I dont know why I even bothered posting cause I havent thought of a way to conclude this thread... I just dont know what to do. I just want to end it all. I have f****n aspergers...loads of people do and they cope fine...so I dont think my problems actually have anything to do with it. I dunno whats wrong with me and I just want it to end.

Thanks for reading. I suppose.

AS probably does have a lot to do with it. At least you know what you're dealing with. You can mend yourself.

i use weed daily, in lowish dosage, it helps me ease up and concentrate better, it actually makes me productive.
i started very shyly in my late teens, hashish, not really my stuff; 'we' preferred as poor quality as possible, along with beer
got into different crowd, forgot all that

later had occasion to remember i had once had a laughing high, only time i'd ever smoked weed; wanted to enjoy a birthday gift for how i knew i might learn to enjoy it, (27th birthday) but that would require getting stoned again - decided on weed

ever since been able to control that; i'll use when i got it, when not, won' t bother; been on for a long while now, see no reason to quit, functioning well enough, and i know i do not need...
(never craved!!)

it appears to work to other way round for me: stuff that gets me high gets others stoned, what gets me stoned gets others high
maybe experiment a bit in that direction

HOWEVER: IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THAT IS NOT YOUR WAY TO GO, mate!

there is scientific evidence that those on the autistic spectrum are relatively more liable to develop psychosis and full blown paranoia...

there is also scientific evidence that prolonged use of hashish or marihuana does indeed lead to increased prevalence of later developed psychosis and paranoia


i do admit to an addictive personality, but never in terms of substance abuse
(i shall never enter a casino in my life, shall not play poker)

YOU on the other hand do NOT cope well
with hallucinogenics, or even lighter, than that!


PS:layoffthebooze,too:
moredamaging-moreexpensive-morehungover ... obertO.iii

PS - but important enough to warrant separate posting

YOU ARE TOOOOOOOOOO YOUNG

the brain does not achieve full mature development for anyone until the age of around 27;

assuming you are indeed on the spectrum, you will never achieve full development anyway, so you can do with every little bit of unhindered development you can get

i know you are aware of all this, you are 'bright' and honest-to-yourself enough,
you know that you ARE limiting your future scope...


pickup.a.physical.SPORT.mate!DO!SWEAT!R ... obertO.iii

I feel exactly the same. When I was a teenager I was a raver, and it was the only time in my life where I was able to be social and meet people. It was 'cause I was doing E all of the time, but it really allowed me to talk to people, it was so nice. I get so anxious now I do not even leave the house. I've managed to blow up all of the friendships I have had. So I do not think that your problems have nothing to do with asperger's. In my opinion those of us that are "higher" functioning, are more affected by the isolation because we WANT to fit in more. To me it seems like my entire consciousness has been rotated of center, making all of my interaction just not "click". I think drugs help those of us deaden or compensate for our being out of synch with NTs. Those that are MORE out of synch may not be as affected as they may not even be aware due to their higher out-of-synchedness.

I am all for better living through chemistry, as long as it isn't RAPIDLY going to kill you or cause major problem (a la herioin, cocaine, etc.) I say medicate in whatever way let's you operate in the world we've been forced into.