Borderline Personality Disorder??? help plz :(

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WARNING: This is very random and might be slightly upsetting. If you are easily upset, I suggest not reading it.

I seriously think I have BDP because I often have these episodes of self-hatred and fears that people don't like me and are going to purposefully ignore me and try and cut me out of their lives. This feeling is so bad that I will often avoid having relationships with people all together even though I really admire them and think they're great people and I really want to get to know them and be their friend. It's sad cos I've probably sacrificed numerous opportunities at having great relationships and having fun.

But anyways, back to the episodes. These feelings come in what I'd like to call episodes and usually last for a week or two, then I'm fine for another couple of weeks, then it comes back. I have no idea why it keeps coming back because there is really know reason for it to. It might have something to do with my past because I had a rough childhood. I had a physically and verbally abusive mother who would often make me feel terrible about myself and feel like I'd never amount to anything. Also, as a child, I was a loner. I never really fit in with the other kids at my school. I'd often purposefully isolate myself from a group and then make myself feel horrible over how much fun I could be having if I were with the group.

I also have troubles with my self-identity. I'm pretty sure I know who I am and what I like and don't like. But there are certain aspects of my self-identity that I'm not willing to accept. One is the fact that I am an aspie. I find myself obbssesively thinking about this and wondering if I would be any better of a person if I were an NT. I feel that being an aspie makes me not able to fullfill my true potential and my life is a complete waste cos I'm such a wonderful and talented person but just don't have the skills or the confidence to show it to the world. I won't go on with the insecurities I have with myself because I don't want to bore anybody reading this.

The major thing that makes me think that I have BDP is the way I deal with the never ending episodes of depression and self-hatred I have. I feel extremely ashamed to admit this but I will often turn to drugs and self-harm as a way of dealing. I will also take my anger and despair out on the people who love me the most. This absolutely kills me inside cos the last thing I'd want to do is hurt the people who care about me. My dad keeps saying that he's a failure as a father to me cos I'm such a screwed up kid. I keep telling him that it has absolutely nothing to do with him and it's all me, but he still suffers because of it. I have been to counselling and therapy numerous times and I figure that with all the help and support I recieve things should've gotten better a while ago. But they haven't. They only seem to get worse the older I get.

Sometimes everything just gets so bad that I'll start thinking about suicide. I've attempted a couple of times and even written suicide notes. Thank-god I haven't succeeded this times I tried.

I have one more thing to discuss here, then I'll wrap it up. I have alot of trouble maintaining a realtionship with somebody when I finally do get one. It's almost like my mind is telling me that I don't want to talk with them, when I know in reality that I do. It's like I start talking to them then start thinking "s**t, I really don't want to do this, I'm so nervous, I don't know what to say to carry on this conversation, ect..." Then I'll make up an excuse to leave or say something to make them leave. Then when they actually do leave, I get desperately lonely and want them to come back. Also, I know this is typical AS, but sometimes I really don't feel like talking. Sometimes I prefer to just be alone and get lost in my own thoughts. Or sometimes I'll be in a group of people and just want to listen to what people are saying and not say anything. I have a couple of friends who put up with this and accept me for who I am. The rest of the general population either seems to get annoyed with me or gets the impression that I don't want to talk to them or that I don't like them.

I really just don't know what to do about everything, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life or keep unintentionally making people hate me. Right now it just seems like it's too much to handle. I guess this is my cry for help here.

Anyways, I really must wrap this up for now cos I must get back to my homework so I can get caught up and hopefully get rid of some unnecissary stress.

Bye for now!

-AJ

Hey AJ,

I know that Borderline Personality can be difficult to deal with. I have a cousin who has been diagnosed with it, and it seems that stress can make things more difficult. Whether you realize it or not, the age you are can be very stressful. Growing up and physical change can freak anyone out, and if you can realize that others struggle with the same things it might help you feel less isolated.

Have you been able to talk to your doctor about your feelings? My cousin who is married and has kids struggles with BPD but does well when she stays on medication for it. If you aren't comfortable talking to your parents and haven't done so yet, I'd encourage to talk to a school counselor or doctor about it. They can probably help you sort out what's going on.

Hope this helps.

Z

Wouldn't presume to guess whether BPD, ASD, or other label would be proper fit for you. I have discussions of that sort with my counselor & it's still confusing (I'll say "tell me again why I'm not this or that other dx instead-or anymore").

I do have the mental feature/pattern you describe above-and I'm not BPD, though I used to think I was (long before ASD dx was even in the DSM, let alone applied to me). I call it "opposition-to-self", to distinguish it from "oppositional-defiant-disorder" (which is a "real" dx-yet that's really not what my problem is, though it can seem that way).

When my boyfriend is here with me, I'm more in "umm, now what ?" kind of mode-then while he's gone, I'm all full of missing him & waiting impatiently for him to get here. I don't do this intentionally, it's unfortunately how my mind works, to some extent: if I can have or do XYZ, then I'm not interested-but if I can't have or do XYZ, that invokes/evokes/provokes my desire for that unattainable or currently unavailable person, thing, activity, whatever. It's not about other people-can happen without involving anyone else, when I'm alone.

Isn't always so extreme or intense, but it does occur-despite my knowing intellectually how ridiculous, "hot & cold", inconsistent "mixed messages", and counterproductive my fluctuating states/moods are. At least I'm aware of this & can talk about it, which isn't as good as being magically "not this way"-but it's better (easier on the person with whom I'm interacting & myself, too) than pretending I don't have this problem (having to deny that I am confusing & difficult).

My boyfriend is loving & forgiving-I'm appreciative that he has patience & fortitude to not overeact to my overeactions. However, when it comes to strangers & those people I'm not that close with (emotionally): I don't feel safe enough to communicate & affiliate, yet I also desperately want "friends"-am not so good at working on that problem. So, it's not "just you" being "this way".

I notice that you decide to not bother seeking relationships. I ALWAYS have to have friends or something and if I even THINK they are going to leave me I get possessive and paranoid and that pushes them away. It's like I fulfill my own destiny.

As far as my identity goes...it's not about acceptance. I really don't know who I am sometimes...my religious and political beliefs in particular...sometimes my whole identity can change in less than a DAY.

One day I'll be die hard pro life...the next day I'll be pro choice. Lack of consistency. It seemed like my ideas would circle around and change much more often than my friends even when we were still teenagers.

I'm bipolar and BPD involves dysregulation of emotions. Yeah I get depressed but I also get manic, pissed off, attached VERY easily and I'll completely hate that person when something (even minor things) go wrong in our relationship.

I think you'd benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in Autism...your feelings to me seem to be common things Aspies in general go through but I'm not a doctor. I can only tell you my personal experiences of BPD.