I'm feeling suicidal too.

Post Reply New Topic

It's over something stupid and little that happened 5 months ago that's been eating me up inside for a few days. But I'm embarrassed to talk about it. I was really upset about it back when it happened, but I didn't say anything to my boyfriend because I was embarrassed to.


I want to take an overdose but I'm afraid at the same time that it will hurt.


Edited into this post so that more people will read it:


Okay, so here it is. There are several times when my boyfriend treated me like this fragile, squeamish person who can't handle some things he can handle. Is it because I'm female that he thought I couldn't handle it? Is it because I was pregnant? Is it because I have psychiatric problems? But then, so did he, and he thought HE could handle it just fine. Was it because I was 20 and he was 31 that he thought he could handle it and I couldn't?


Once, 5 months ago, I smashed some fluorescent lights and touched the powder in them. My boyfriend didn't tell me it contained mercury until we'd cleaned it up. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to upset me. Yes, he told me anyway, but I have a feeling that if I'd cut myself and gotten some in me he wouldn't have told me until the doctor told me. He obviously didn't think I had the right to know what I'd touched, and he assumed that he could handle the truth but I couldn't. Yes, maybe I should have known that they contained mercury, but since I didn't wasn't he obligated to tell me?


And I just so happen to HATE being treated like I'm weak or squeamish. I've hated it with a passion for years. Also, I only get upset at things like the way people treat me, not about physical things that happen to me.


Also, once we were talking about something, I forget what, and he brought up this disease, and I asked "What's that?" and he said I diddn't want to know. I asked again what's that and he said again that seriously, I didn't want to know. What's the matter with him? Whatever disease he was talking about can't be worse than having no arms and legs and being blind and deaf (I know about that guy and I was traumatized and angry that nobody wrote on his skin to communicate with him, but I'm glad I know about him).


I don't want him to do anything like that in the future/continue to treat me like that. Having no confidence in my ability to handle things and all of that.


I was embarrassed to post this, but I know I need to if I want to get better and stop being suicidal, so here it is.

EDIT: he thought I meant that he didn't tell me and made me clean it up. Truth is, he didn't know that the mercury was in it and he went on the internet, found out, and told me to stop cleaning.

Last edited by Ana54 on 31 Jan 2009, 8:00 am, edited 11 times in total.

Hope you feel better, soon.

Okay, so here it is. My boyfriend thinks I'm this fragile, squeamish person who can't handle some things he can handle. Is it because I'm female that he thought I couldn't handle it? Is it because I was pregnant? Is it because I have psychiatric problems? But then, so did he, and he thinks HE can handle things just fine.


Once, 5 months ago, I smashed some fluorescent lights and touched the powder in them. My boyfriend didn't tell me it contained mercury until we'd cleaned it up. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to upset me. Yes, he told me anyway, but I have a feeling that if I'd cut myself and gotten some in me he wouldn't have told me until the doctor told me. He obviously didn't think I had the right to know what I'd touched, and he assumed that he could handle the truth but I couldn't. Yes, maybe I should have known that they contained mercury, but since I didn't wasn't he obligated to tell me?


Also, once we were talking about something, I forget what, and he brought up this disease, and I asked "What's that?" and he said I diddn't want to know. I asked again what's that and he said again that I didn't want to know. What's the matter with him? Whatever disease he was talking about can't be worse than having no arms and legs and being blind and deaf (I know about that guy and I was traumatized and angry that nobody wrote on his skin to communicate with him, but I'm glad I know about him).


I don't want him to do anything like that in the future/continue to treat me like that. Having no confidence in my ability to handle things and all of that.


I was embarrassed to post this, but I know I need to if I want to get better and stop being suicidal, so here it is.

I know I don't know you that well, but I just want to tell you to be strong, and it will pass. It might take a few hours, or it might take a few days, but it will pass. I have been suicidal so many times that I lost count, the only difference is that I've experienced it so many times that I've learned it's ways. Relief will come if you are willing to wait for it to happen. Keep reminding yourself of that, and that these negative feelings are only temporary. I think you know, it all just a matter of patience.

EDIT: This doesn't make so much sense now that the story has changed.

Last edited by jawbrodt on 31 Jan 2009, 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

Please wish me luck in showing my boyfriend this thread. I'm afraid! What if he says he'll continue to do that in those situations because he's seen me hysterical and doesn't trust me not to flip out? I'll have to tell him that I only get hysterical about certain things, which is true.


I'm afraid our relationship might be over. He still wants to be with me and won't dump me unless I dump him, but it will be over if he refuses to apologize for this. And we have a 2-month-old son.


I've kept things from him too, but not because I thought he couldn't handle it. It was because I was embarrassed about things.


I hope he doesn't focus on how long ago it was and how ridiculous it is to be suicidal over this. I hope he focuses on how he wronged me and apologizes for it properly, and says he'll never again treat me like I'm fragile or squeamish.


Maybe it's because he's a Southerner and takes chivalry too far.

I think that he is trying to protect you because he loves you and wants you to stay in his life. However he has crossed the boundary of not treating you as an adult and is being a bit patronising. Dont mention splitting up as that is likely to make him be more difficult (protective/patronising) just affirm that you are an adult and want to be informed and keep reaffirming that when ever a situation arrizes.

I permanently feel suicidal, the trick is to not to do it. Like wanting a drink or cigerette, I just ignore the craving. Its not like if we dont kill ourselves we will live forever, life will end soon enough.

It's not uncommon for NTs to be overly protective of Aspies. I guess we project an air of innocence and they feel that innocence must be sheltered from the big, bad world. I've often been frustrated when my friends refuse to explain something to me or keep something from me.

Try explaining to your boyfriend that you understand that he just wants to protect you, but it just upsets you more when he withholds information from you. Keep it general -- don't bring up past incidents, or he'll just focus on those.

At any rate, it's not worth killing yourself over. If you lose him, the wound will heal eventually and you can find someone who will respect you more.

Think about your child -- do you really want to leave him motherless?

Hope you feel better soon.

Okay, he says that he didn't withhold the mercury thing from me because I'd be upset, but that he was researching it online wheile I was cleaning it up, he found out that this type of light contained mercury and he told me to stop cleaning it up. But later in the bedroom he DID say that he withheld something from me because he thought I'd be upset. He said, "Maybe that happened, but what you wrote didn't. I hate it when you make up things to be pissed at me about!" And he walked away all angry.


So far, this isn't going good at all. When he calms down I'll make him read the rest of it, because he didn't finish reading.

Now he's saying that I'm being absolutely ridiculous. He said, "I kept it from you because I thought you would care, but you didn't." Then he said, "So? I didn't want to upset you."

I say, "so you treat me like this weak, pathetic, squeamish--" and then that's when he said I was being ridiculous.

He thought I made up s**t to put on the internet to get attention, that I meant that he madem e clean it up knowing that it was dangerous. So I put it right, but he still wants me to delete it all.


Guys, don't patronize me... I KNOW he was doing it because he loves me and for my protection.


He just said now that he hopes I wasn't also lying about the times I was upset with my mother.


Our relationship is over. I'm going to call my dad to see if he can't help me get back up to Canada.

Sorry to hear that, but I'm glad that you're taking steps to move out rather than talking about killing yourself.

I don't think anyone meant to patronize you, and I apologize if my post sounded that way -- it wasn't meant to be patronizing.

Good luck.

Btw, he isn't NT, he's AS or PDD-NOS.


He just said that I totally don't know how upset he was about the mercury incident and that he was upset for days and I ask "What does that have to do with telling me or not telling me?" and he says also, another time, "Why freak you out by freaking out and yelling that there's mercury in it asnd it causes defects? I aboutt couldn't handle it myself. Why upset you?" Well, maybe he can't handle it, but that doesn't mean I can't.

I don't think he was trying to be patronising or treat you like a child originally, but his getting pissed off at you for feeling that way is ridiculous.

Don't kill yourself over this!

sorry to hear all of this Ana,

I think the overreacted on the mercury thing, it's just one broken light fercrissakes, I mean it's something that happens once in a blue moon and the exposure was minimal, it won't kill you if you cleaned it, even if you were pregnant at the time.

But after reading all of your comments, and he NOT accepting that he IS treating you like a child, that's not good of his part

sorry, to myself, other things, but need to make one comment:

(please anyone, correct me if i am wrong)

1. i do not subscribe to the mercury-theory re autism
2. is m actually scientifically discarded ???
3. dont matter: in that case we are still discussing mercury-exposure at age of brain- and self-development (which you are well past enough not to have to worry over, in my opinion)

4. yes, mercury is toxic
5. but at your age not more so to you than to him or anyone, NT or non-NT
6. just take care the baby is not exposed

7. your, or even BF's exposure will not have occurred via any other channel than the pores of the skin; the chances of you, or anyone, including the baby, contracting sufficient
ppm's of mercury via that skin-protected channel are close to zero

8. just avoid regular and/or exposure to high levels of mercury

9. therefore: all this really has been a non-issue, and very sadly so, in the minds of various people involved

10. good for BF! he was being protective

11. get things back together, but stick to having published this thread, HOWEVER

13. you got about one more day to decide whether you want your content removed (as far as still possible), for

14. i am liable to QUOTE all of your stuff, because this is an important topic, so i wish to hang on to some of your content

15. if you wished to edit your more personal stuff and save relevant content, i am prepared to perform that for you: just PM me if so

all the best mean while with deciding what to do about the BF problem, be patient
if the relationship had any chance at all, he will be back
best thing for you to do then: be more patient, allow for traditional role-modeling
be paasively female and allow for male condascension
these things can be worked on, and i will be able to help you if ever the time comes, not now)

Dear Ana, killing yourself while seems a answer, think of those you leave behind, and well people tell me stuff like don't kill yourself over the loss of our friendship, some one actually wrote that to me, in a letter, a ex friends GF, if you can believe that, I wrote back, I would kill myself but that would be letting you "people" off too easy, I've still got a job to do, annoy and charm many people before I sleep!