Bad mental health day renders me completely useless during..

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..big time crunch crisis...

I woke up this morning from a bunch of jumbled dreams about scary building inspectors with misshapen heads...We get in trouble for "storing stuff" in a bunch of boxes all over the place.
Then there was another dream about nursing a wounded squirrel and leaving it neglected in it's cage for too long...so I worry that it has starved to death because we have lost track of time.

I am PMSy...I have been dwelling too much on bad things from the past.
I spent all morning being bitchy and whiny about various things.
I take off on my bike to run errands and go to work...yay exercise = seratonin right?
I stop off in park to try to get the dark clouds out of my head. I sit on a swing and meditate...I get to work and muddle through it...Am still having very bad mental health day...can't stop crying..try to talk to partner who is snappy and panicked over having to get all this stuff done at the last minute...for the inspection of our warehouse for an occupancy permit.

We will have a decent conversation and then he will say one little thing and I will just SNAP and yell bad things at him and hang up on him.
It keeps happening over and over.
I have been crying all day.
I decide that I will spend the night at the office because I can't stop losing it and just want to be alone....OF COURSE I can't do that! What was I thinking?...We are going broke...working franticly to get ready to schedule the inspection....the snow is hitting the shovel all at once and I am snivelling on the phone talking about spending the night at the office.

Could a lowlier person possibly exist?

...Cram studying...

I love you.

Poop, look forward to menopause. Really, compared to having my menses menopause was a snap and after. . no more loopy cycles. Now I know you are a young lady, and have decades until you begin your crone years. But honey, look forward to them. . . they are good years.

hopin' for the future.

Merle

I felt the hot water on my hands while the shower ran - real feeling, not numbed feeling... I let it run along the back of my hands until I sank back into my shell. And thats the most relieving moment I've had in months.... The last time it was early morning and I leaned against some brick and put my forearms on it. I felt the cold, it felt nice - it felt normal... so I enjoyed it.

So the price of denial is eventually to have your own mind relieve you of having to deny anything... the payback is to just hope for the best, and regret the past.