I am evil, why am I alive. Incident tonight.

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Tonight, around midnight, my 17-year old sister was using my computer, and she left for a while and went to her room.

She closed the door fairly loudly, which seemed to indicate to me that she was done on my computer.

However, when I went in, I found that several computer programs were still running (she was on Myspace, some Mafia game on Myspace, and a quiz site).

Furthermore, I found that a spyware program had been installed on my system during her time on the computer.

It may have been an accident, I don't know. I am nice enough to let her use my computer since her's broke down. But she comes in and installs lots of different programs (like Blubster, IM, chatrooms, toolbars, etc). Physically, my room looks awful after she leaves my room for every night (purses on the counter, her cellphone on my dresser, room smells strongly of perfume, dishes strewn, one time the thermostat was turned up to near 77-78 degrees), and this is after she is done. As I sit here, I smell the slight smell of perfume wafting up from my dresser.

Thus I closed out all the programs.

About 5 minutes later, my sister came back and opened my door.

"Well, I guess you closed my programs. Thanks" (in a sarcastic tone). She leaves for a while to go talk to my other sister.

After she left, I proceeded to slap myself about 14-15 times, in the PRIVACY of my room.

I went out into the kitchen area where my sisters were rummaging around in the fridge, and I told my sister I was sorry (she responded in a tone that indicated that she was not in a good mood), so I slapped myself about 10-12 times in front of both of them.

My little sister told me to quit slapping myself and to leave them alone. She told me I was pissing her off, quote on quote. Both told me that I was being "like a 5 year old" and that "I am a adult and that I should act as such." She threatened to come over to me and smack me, and I dared her to, not in a taunting tone, of course.

I went back to my room, laid down my head near my computer, and since then I have spent the night crying.

I don't understand myself. I feel such shame at almost anything I do, that when I get chided by my sisters (not my dad) I hit myself. Maybe it is repressed rage at them, I don't profess an answer. I experience a lot of guilt and shame whenever it seems like I make their lives miserable with my Aspie habits and my complete to not say anything to them.

Maybe it is that I can't stand them. They are very loud and make lots of noise. The kitchen is really poorly ventilated, so quite often when somebody is frying something, the smoke alarm goes off. The rest of the family laughs and takes it lightly, while I tend to look at it as an evil monster. I often go out to the garage adjoining the kitchen and hide in the car until dinner is cooked. I bet by now my dad thinks I am crazy (on top of my habit of talking to myself when the family is not around).

My younger sisters act like stuck up little preppies (the little one) and the bigger one has been to a Christian discipleship school recently (all she does anymore is act like she is holier than thou). The older one has a boyfriend who is basically homeless and is not very bright about anything but sports cars. Every person in my family has fallen in love (my dad married twice, my mother married my dad and had an affair with an Egyptian, my sister is engaged to a certain boy, and my other sister has had ebough boyfriends that I cant count).

Both sisters expect a better standard of living than I get. My dad likes to go to coffee every night at the local gas station. They like to get expensive teas from the fridge, while my dad gets a simple cup of decaf and a get a small 7-Up. They go out constantly to the ice skating rink, movies, etc., while it is hard to get some time for me to go to a required play for my theatre class.

As my family will be moving to Idaho within a few months, my sisters want to get dogs, cars, and stereo systems. I will likely end up taking the bus (I looove mass transit). They buy more stylish brand-name clothing at the mall, while me and my dad get most of our pants, underwear, socks, et. al. at Wal-mart. Most of my shirts are anime-related. They seem to look down on my nerdish style (well, mostly the little one, bigger one tends to be indifferent).

They don't like the fact that I spend a great deal of time in my room, reading, watching C-SPAN, anime, and documentaries, or playing video games. They obviously have no respect for my "otaku dream"

Maybe they hate me because I am a boy.

I almost never talk to them, but I never complain about anything they do either, and I have taken a lot of punishment from especially the younger one. One night, when I was younger, my little sister was upset because the dog was whimpering, so she came and told me that she wanted me to come with her while she took the dog to pee, because she has this rather comedic fear of the dark and ghosts. I told her that I would go out. Unfortunately, it was thundering in the distance that evening. I have a severe fear of lightning storms at night. I told her I would stand on the porch with a flashlight, and keep it trained on her.

Apparently that was not good enough for her, she kept calling on me to come out further. I did not want to be in the near pitch black when there were flashes of lightning nearby. I said no. So she finished letting the dog go pee, and came back into the house. When I got in, she got mad and started hitting me (mostly on the shoulders) and she scratched me one time. I jsut leaned down and took it. She told me that I was a loser. I went back to my room and closed the door that night and cried.
I guess I am an utter loser.

What do you think about what I have said?

I think your way too harsh on yourself. Your certainly not evil for what happened over the computer incident, infact you seemed to keep it together quite well, I think. Your alive because you deserve to be alive, the incidences with your sisters that you have described here do not make you a bad person at all.

I think you need to see a therapist, it's obvious you have extremely low self-esteem. You are needy and looking for your sisters approval (approval seeking) and wanting to be liked by them, and by doing this you are creating the opposite effect. Just know that you can't force people to like you, you have to understand my visualizing yourself - what if someone came up to you and was desperate for you to like them, that they were trying to forcibly converse with you and they were visibly scared and anxious and hung on your every word?

You're looking to get specific a reaction from people, and if you don't get 'the one you want', you'll blame yourself -- you have to stop doing that. You cannot force people to react how you want them to, you have to stop taking negative reactions to heart, that's one thing you have to learn - don't take it seriously, because right now, socially, until you've gotten a grasp of how to socialize, you're only going to drive yourself nuts obsessing with their reactions.

I think it would be a good idea to take a video camera and record yourself doing these things just so you can "get" why people don't like you, because your social circuits will click in if you see yourself in the 3rd person doing these things.

Internally hitting yourself many seem normal, but when you feed it back to yourself, even you will think what you did was weird. Some aspies have no internal "is this going to be perceived as weird filter" in social situations, and this is one of the things that can drive our social anxiety. When some aspies are "desperate" to be liked and looking for approval from others and being needy.

So when you slap yourself, you're showing your needyness for their approval and it creeps them out. You need to stop with the self pity and work on developing your social skills and yourself. Anything that lowers your self esteem (overweight, bad fashion, etc), you need fix so you can bring your self-esteem up.

I'm telling you this because I used to sometimes unawaredly approach people when I was young obsessed with trying to find a way to get them to like me, and although I didn't smack myself, it was obvious to other people that I was hanging on their every word for their approval -- I had no personality of my own, I had disowned myself, they could see how anxious I was and it weirded them out.

I think that you are fine the way you are and are too harsh on yourself; it's the living situation that seems to be causing the problems.

They should be grateful that you let them use your computer and if they want their screens left open they should have the courtesy to explain that they will be back shortly to continue on the PC.
NT females are excellent at manipulation and making others esp. aspies feel guilty.
Be proud of who u are and assert yourself.
We don`t have to apologise for being who we are.

Restrict their accounts, especially if they're unwittingly installing spyware.

You're a self-deprecating fool for slapping yourself. Don't do it.

i think you and i are similiar (if you coun't out having own room) i easily get treaded like crap here, i don't even have the chance to do selfharm because they get mad if i do it. I remember this one time when i whas seariously freaking out and went outside slamming on the wall (which included slamming on that needle stucking outside the wall) my mother comes out after a certaint time and guess how she reacts ... angry furious and dragging me back inside inplace of asking "oh my whats wrong?" haha i wish... all she does is make me more depressed, i could tell you alot of storys like this but thats not the point right now. What i do these days is write down how much i hate them in japanese and no one can read it (no i'm not a genius i learned hard for it on my free time, i still don't know the whole language just know it at a quite nice lvl now ^^) your sister also seems very much alike my sister too. I can't stay in the same room with her longer then 1 min or i get a serious meltdown...

oh btw i used to have a pc too of my own (bought it with my long saved money)(after it went broke which wasn't my fault i managed to buy another pc with all the money i raised between those years) anyway, i never had the chance to play on it even though it whas my pc because everyone wanted to play on it (because i was the only one with a computer) and guess what? I WHAS THE ONE TO BE BLAMED FOR ALL OF THE VIRUSES AND CRAP that most likely my sister or my brother downloaded because i never get the chance to download anything

That is terrible. You are way too hard on yourself. You are no way too blame. It is your computer and your room, she should be grateful you let her on your computer. She should also ask you before she installs stuff on your computer as it is yours.

You could create users for them on the computer and make yourself an admin with a locked password. This maybe safer.

And as everyone said before don't slap yourself. You have done nothing wrong. She should ask you before she comes into your room and on your computer. It is totally wrong what she did.

Wow, this is great stuff dude, keep posting your story here. I wish that I could live like this, well, maybe not. But you can´t make up stuff like that, classic.

Do what makes you happy. Maybe you could ask your sister why she "hates" you, or something? Have you tryed that one? Perhaps you could do that and then report back here. Just a tip...

What do you mean that is a great story, and what is this about you wish you could live the way i live.

I would say that if you had to live within my shoes for a day, you would either commit suicide, go to the looney bin, or probably have a massive fight resulting in your arrest.

I would rather be a humdrum nerd, than have to endure all of the neurotypical sullying I experience from the family. Do any of you know how much I want to go to an anime convention. Yes, just a stupid anime convention. And to join a support group for Aspies. And to get out of Montana, and slowly become more indepedent until the day comes when I can live on my own, away from the female fascists in the family.

What I have is the truth. I cannot lie.

I have a lot of issues with talking to anybody, even to good friends, but the worst issue is with my family.

Put a password on your computer. One problem solved.

Yeah, you're pretty damn evil; I have no idea why you're alive either. I think it's proof that if there is a god, he, she or it really doesn't care that something as evil as you wanders the planet he, she, or it made.

But then, you're made in his, her, or its image. No matter how you look at it, it's a mean god up there.

No, I'm not being sarcastic, what makes you think that? No wait, I am being sarcastic.

That's sad, but don't be so hard on yourself. Just remember, it was an accident and a reasonable mistake. She should have told you she wasn't finished with it yet, and not to close down what she was doing. Things like that happen to everybody, don't worry about it.

I agree.

You sound like a sweet guy whohas a lot of sensory issues that you have to battle with. The more people in your space, the worse they become. How do you feel about the self abusing and the slapping? I know it's easy for people to tell you to stop, but the reasons why you do it are more deeply rooted than sheer willpower. It sounds like you don't react so harshly towards yourself when your Dad comments on you because your Dad is more like you. He probably understands you better than your sisters.

I'm sorry that you're so stressed. You're not evil. It's hard when you're in the middle of a moment of frustration to remember that it's merely a *moment*. It's not your entire existance. The moment will pass and then you can get back to what makes you happy.

Is there something you can do that makes you feel secure when you feel like hitting yourself? Weighted blaket, listening to music, playing computer games, reading...anything like that? If you can create a new coping mechanism to replace the self abuse that would be wise. If you can't figure that out on your own, I think it would be a good idea to have someone help you find an answer.

::sigh:: I'm all too familiar with the experience of random self-harm and sporadic "temper tantrums." I have a tendency to bang my head against walls, and last night I was throwing stuff around and kicking walls while screaming. I am, by the way 25. My intellecutal functioning is normal, if not above average.

I agree with everyone about the self-esteem thing. It gets to a point where you just stop caring about what douchebags think. There are people who used to make me feel like s**t, who I just laugh at now. They aren't worth the anguish. Your sisters sound like self-centered little sadists. Good luck getting away from them.