I'm scared that my mom will die

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Right now I am being torn in two different directions. One is the manic side of me but its still true, I am going to Hollywood for an art show, I have been accepted into the Princeton show, the Manhattan Childrens Center show, and the John F Kennedy Center in Washington DC. I have plans for next year as well. I am also speaking at autism/ mental health conferences. The other part of me is extremely depressed, almost suicidal. It is because of something that I predicted that is coming true. The day before her surgery on her back on February 12th, I had a dream or should I say nightmare. Mom was in the hospital and we came to visit her and the doctor just so happens to be there. He says, "she has a severe infection in her back, it is a good chance that she won't make it." The surgery on the 12th went fine and I thought my dream was just that, a dream. But not so longer. Now her back is severely infected and I'm afraid that she won't make it. She doesn't have unlimited lives you know, this ain't no video game. She has come close to death countless times, so each time its closer. Her temperature is going all over the place, too low, too high, it can't be controlled. They are trying to stop the infection from spreading. I will let you know this, if she dies, I will commit suicide. All those shows would be poof! They are gone. The family will be no more, she is what holds the family together. Even my dad can't survive without her. What bothers me is that I predicted this would happen, the only thing I got wrong is the timing. I thought this would take place right away after her initial back surgery, not the second surgery to fix the infection. This makes me want to cut the bomb out of my neck more, the thought insertion is bad, I can't live like this. Every year, a near death experience since 2003. What's weird is the thought insertion a few days ago was talking about something that was going to happen in the next few days. I thought it meant the bomb exploding, but I guess it was telling me of impending danger. I almost feel like I should tell the gov to fire that satellite at me but not to blow up the bomb because I don't want other people to die. Since I predicted it, its my fault this happened.

fire bird.

you have no influence on reality with your imagination. even if you imagine correctly what will happen.

if you lose the sole purpose for your life (mother) then you will have to decide between being heroic and staying, or cowardly and killing yourself.

if there is a god, then your mother will be waiting for you, and the rest of your life will be just a blink of time for her.


if people are not eternal, then it is sad. but she gave life to you and you should not throw it out as trash when she is gone.

you should be brave and value your life that she gave you and never throw it away.
you will die naturally one day, and if god exists, then your mother will exist and she will be proud and happy.

if god does not exist, then you will never know it.

sorry i know i should not be posting in my current mental state.

Well I know what it's like to lose a loved one and it's not easy.

I don't think there's ever a real good answere to this "problem" but coincidentaly I too had suicidal urges when it got too much for me.

All I can say is I'm glad I didn't and it would be selfish of me if I did. With your talent and all, I would think this would be a huge loss and I'm sure your mom wouldn't want that either.