Hated, even after being nice.

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All right, I've replaced all the material you could possibly find objectionable with asterisks. I hope you will not try to delete my thread again, as that really pissed me off.

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I'm back.

I've updated my poem, If God Were a Bully, and added a new essay to my webpage, Expected Reward and Psychosis. I plan on writing other essays, one on Darwinism and another on Christian ethics. I also hope to write essays on animal consciousness, voluntary euthanasia, and morality.

****************. I feel like everyone is just trying to turn me into their suffering servant. I haven't been rewarded for being nice, not even with the peace of mind that any normal person should have. Instead, the world seems to take amusement at my anger and frustration (e.g., Happy Bunny, "Your anger makes me happy").

This is what I've done in the past year and a half:

1. Over 100 hours spent at a homeless shelter.
2. Miles of road trash picked up, possibly over 100.
3. Over 400 dollars of charity money donated for the opposite sex alone.
4. Over 100 posts in helping people with their math homework.
5. Yahoo! Chess program written.
6. High-quality work for a state agency during 2008.
7. Housework for my younger brother.

In spite of all these acts of kindness, I was left with the same queasy, nauseated feeling in my heart, the same violent feelings, the same retching, nightmares, and auditory hallucinations, some of which are:

"I hate you, Scott."
"You're a freak."
"You're painful, Scott."
"There's a reason for that."
"The reason for that is because you're a loser."
"You're a psychopath."

All this reminds me of an episode of Ranma 1/2 in which Mousse held Shampoo a boquet of flowers, and had them slapped away. I'm not even rewarded for being kind anymore.

In addition, I've been reading the Gospels, and I don't like what I see. Jesus tells his followers to hate their families, to do their deeds in secret, and by the look of it, to spend their whole lives face down in the dirt waiting for that special day.

On May 18th, I will turn 26. ***********************. As long as the more fortunate and beautiful of this country don't torture ugly people.

It would be nice if I had a girlfriend. I would love to cuddle. But it seems they want to turn everything into a fitness contest and force me to make all the first moves.

If anyone has ever experienced the level of rage I have at these 'Happy Bunny' people who openly don't care about your feelings, just know that there's someone out there who isn't one of them. I care for you.

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Last edited by MikeH106 on 21 Feb 2009, 10:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I didn't see anything objectionable in the other thread...

...just out of curiosity, why did you post this in The Haven?

I thought this was the appropriate forum.

The moderator is still putting his dog on and trying to play Mr. Tough Guy in our message correspondence. I don't think he knows how I feel.

Edit: As it turns out, sinsboldly is female. For a minute, though, she sure sounded like the guy who stomped the piss out of me one night.

Try to understand for whom you did this work!

If you did so to feel better, why do care on the reactions of the people who benefited from? You did it for yourself! If you you did so to help those people, why do need their appreciation? You did to help them, not have earn nice words!

So? Why your are bother about any reaction at all?

Seriously, how is this offensive? Will someone please explain to me why the mods are pissed off?

If they're auditory hallucinations, then nobody is actually saying these things to you? How do you know that people are even thinking such bad things about you then?

I guessing that he has heard these in the past and they become fixed in his mind, I dont think he meant people saying them that moment.

If you have negative things said to you and they affect you deeply then you remember them and the most inoppourtune moments and they can continue to affect you even though they were yesterday, a month ago or years ago. Just a thought.


Who are you actually interacting with? The people you are helping? Who actually says they do not appreciate your help, or is it the fact that they just dont acknowledge your help?

J

Juli

Thank you all for your support.

The auditory hallucinations have been like broken-record repetitions of insults made against me in middle and high school. One that comes to mind was when a female student lied to me with an offer to sit next to her on the bus one morning. I approached, and she said, "I was just kidding, you goddamn freak."

Now I hear a voice in my head calling me a freak.

In middle school, the other kids called me 'Scott Hoagie Sandwich' (my real name is Scott Hoge). Now the voices call me by that name.

Many of these voices sound like someone in particular -- a middle school classmate I will refer to as 'David L.'

It's ridiculous, isn't it? They distract me from contributing to society in the way I want to. I wish they would just disappear. And they're not like other voices; they're memories of real people bullying me.

As for the moderator, sinsboldly, who deleted my other thread, I think she was being very rude to me. But she also claims to be diagnosed with Asperger's, so I'm not going to be too harsh with her.

That happened to me once, a boy offered to let me into his group in English class, then he said, "Not really!" so I called him my worst swearword and went to sit by myself. My "friends" seemed to think his little joke deserved Comedian Of The Year award.

i have those auditory flashbacks too, and sometimes, if i'm walking by a group of teens and hear them laughing, i'll think they're laughing at me (even though they're probably not as i look like a pretty normal guy in my work clothes)

try getting some councilling for post traumatic stress disorder, it's helping me greatly...x

Some people are just horrible. They are made that way, or they believe that others will like them if they act that way or that it will help them fit in.

I never understood this need, I am and always have been, very aware of other peoples feelings, and would never treat a person in any other way than I would wish to be treated. Many kids, and especially in the 'teen' stage, tend not to care, or feel so much pressure to fit in, they become utter twits. Even as an NT, I know people who have totally changed because of this pressure, or are just plain scared that if they dont fit the mould, they will be chucked out, and dont want to feel the way you do now.

I agree with Xanderbeanz, see someone about it, it may help you, don't let this sort of thing fester, if your a good person then you should feel great, dont let the past bite at your heels!

Juli x

Xanderbeanz, the person in your pic is beautiful!