What a pain... Why does it have to be this way...

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I feel like everything about me is going to crumble soon...

I am known to have an amazingly high IQ, and really good marks without an effort (from earlier schooling for the marks), and a whole bunch of that stuff... I am constantly bombarded with questions like "Why didn't you try a little harder, you could have had a scholarship to pay for your university?" and "If the school board would have accomodated you properly like we tried for you would be done university by this year." No.. I may be bright and able to think well, but I can't put that much effort into school, a scholarship would have been impossible for me, and I am in university because you didn't give me a choice, so I tried insanly hard, and only applied to the best school in the country for my program hoping to have to take another year of highschool... But then I got accepted...

I mightnot even finish university because I can't handle things most people can, and my parents are still looking at me as some insanely bright prodigy who will be able to fulfill their dreams on that level... I can't even get all my assignments done on time, and had to retake more than half of my first term courses thanks to a combination of executive dysfunction and trying to fulfill some garbage dream that I still wonder why I am doing it. I am only still in this school thanks to divine intervention on an exam that should have caused me to fail a course and make the difference of me being kicked out for not maintaining their standard... I know it was divine intervention because 56% is not a pity pass, and I knew less than a quarter of the material. I was not required to take that course, as a foreign language isn't required for CS, but if I would have only passed one course that would have been the end of university for me.

I had to drop one of my courses this term because I couldn't afford to risk failing it. That was Japanese, which I wanted to learn more than computer science. My parents also have this idea that out of me and my disabled brother I will be the only one sucessful enough to live independantly. Which is BS, as I cannot live on my own because my health would get worse every day from not eating right and not taking proper care of myself. I could live on my own with another person, but not completely on my own. I fear that I will not be able to complete upper year courses, as I have difficulty with a lot of the required portions with courses.

Everyone thinks I am doing great and making amazing progress towards adult life, even though I secretly know that if anything I am just getting closer and closer to a total hardcore make severe meltdowns look like an NT having a good day meltdown, as I just can't keep up this fake persona of what they think I am. They have a very good idea of who I am, they just expect way too much of me. As for the progress, I can have longer more in depth conversations with people, and I have much much much less meltdowns than when I was younger, but the conversation part I hate, and I am always praying for something to come up and save me from it.

I may be doing better now that I am getting help with school, but I still don't think I will get very far with university. And even if I do, how will I be able to handle a job in the field I am going into? If I don't make it far enough with school, I will not be able to do the travelling I am praying I will be able to do.
My ultimate dream of being a business owner is overshadowed by a very strong fear, and lack of knowledge of business dynamics, that makes me so confused as to how business works that without some form of apprebticeship in starting my first business, I will likely not be able to do it due to lack of comprehension. I can understand how to lead a very large business, but I lack the understanding of how to get there. I am a leader without followers, and I don't know how to get to where I want to be. I think I have it figured out at times, but I feel more like it is a lie to get me to believe in something to help me thorugh my life.

I fear that I will never live out certain dreams of mine, like having a family to raise, as I do not understand how to get there. My family believes I will never be able to do that and I should be happy with being successful career wise, as with AS, a successful career is the best route of happiness I should be trying at. I don't want a career, I want to be a leader, and nothing else for a job but a leader in what ever it is I go into. But I do not even understand how to become that. And while everyone thinks I am something much bigger than I am, and my mom, who I hate dearly, thinks AS is nothing more than a tool for her to exploit (thank God I haven't lived with her since my parents divorced), and my step mom who thinks that AS is something I can completely overcome, and my dad, who although he has a decent understanding of AS, acts as if I don't have it, even though he knows I do, and treats me like a perfectly normal NT, when sometimes I need the help to deal with life.

I don't even really understand all the networks around me and how to use different things to help me, and I am afraid to learn about these networks unless all their tools are available completely online. I had to have my dad teach me how to pay bills via online banking, as I couldn't figure out that, and I couldn't even comprehend that there would be aother way, and I still don't. I pay for my cell phone bill online, and I pay my visa online, and I pay my student loan online, and I have learned to do that thanks to being shown how. If it weren't for being shown how, I would have some horrible person constanly calling me trying to collect money tha tI would't understand how to give it to him.

I know I need to get my drivers license, but I fear having it, as my AS ADHD makes it nearly impossible to drive anywhere near as safely as an NT, and I have my G1 license, meaning I have taken the first step to my full license, but I don't think I could handle driving. I know I need to but how? And on top of all that I am regarded as being a very high functioning AS, and I think I would have prefered an LFA diagnosis, just so I wouldn't have to worry about my future quite as much, and where I will end up, as my AS can be so crippling at times that I just don't understand how to live in this world around me, and yet because I am HF AS, I am regarded as being very capable of making a life for myself, despite the fact that I doubt I will be able to due to all the cinfusion I have about this world I live in. I may understand how to read a person, but I know nothing about waht to do with the read I get off them other than how I can manipulate them. I don't want to do that though. And I don't understand any of the social, but I appear to be just a little odd, and still normal. I am not normal, why do people keep expecting me to be, despite my diagnosis of being autistic (AS, but still)...

And I think I am done.

Anyone want to comment, or at least give me an idea why people are not replying? Is my post too long or something?

Might be a bit long , I have found on other boards, people dont want to take the time to reply to my very long posts also
I speed read it , I never went to any college, so I really dont know what to say
I am starting myself a little business, and I dont have a clue about this kind of stuff, I am learning as I go. Maybe you should start something small, dont invest much money in it and learn as you go, work your way up.
Never give up on your dreams, if you have enough motivation and determination, then you wont let anything stop you.

I read it twice and all I could think of was "I hope he keeps trying to do well because it is worth finishing." And "If it was easy everyone would do it." I didn't post it because I am not that great at encouragement.
Be careful to balance your classes so you don't overload yourself. Don't worry if it takes a little longer to finish your degree, the goal is just to finish.