Sick compulsive feeling of failure

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Yesterday, I had the premiere of a documentary I’d been working on the past two and a half years. I was so proud of it, and my thesis committee all said it could be a big festival contender. Maybe even get broadcast on TV. After the screening, one professor said she she liked it better than Ken Burns’s films (for those not familiar, he did “The Civil War,” “Baseball,” and “Jazz”).

And yet, now that it's over, I have this strange, sick compulsion that I’ve failed completely. Despite the praise, I latch onto the details that say otherwise. Most of the audience left after the show was over, and the applause was decent, but not the kind of “Wow, huge hit, ovation applause.” Maybe it was because it was a Sunday night, and people had to get home. But I can’t get it out of my head, that they just didn’t like it.

And there was one person in the audience who, during the Q & A, asked a pretty tough, critical question of the film, and it’s killing me. Everyone else who talked to me loved the film, but I can’t get that one person out of my head. It’s sick.

I’m getting scared. I can’t shake this weird, paranoid idea that everyone is lying to me, that they feel sorry for me, think I’m this sorry, pathetic person, and so they’re just trying to make me feel good. Like they don’t have the heart to tell me all my work is sh*t.

I’m trying to be logical. I KNOW these people, and they wouldn’t say those things if they didn’t mean it. They are people with years of real world experience, and are brutal realists. They wouldn’t lead me down a primrose path.

This should be the best day of my life, but it feels empty and anti-climactic. I'm most afraid of doing something forgettable and mediocre, and thats' what I think I've done. I don’t want to feel like this, and I know I shouldn’t. What the hell’s wrong with me? And what I can do to fix it?

BR

Well, like you said, you had been working and reworking this for 2 years. That's a huge thing and you are asking people you know and others you don't know as well to look at basically your last 2 years of life's passion and "grade" it.

Yeah, sounds normal to me. Best thing to do is to accept that past is past and you can't go back to it. You are putting yourself way out there, no wonder you are feeling this way.

Take some steady breaths and just go one moment at a time, there will come a point where everything slows down and you will be able to look at it more objectively.

^ I agree with the person above.

It sounds like you got good reviews, so unless you can use the criticism constructively, forget it! You're never going to appeal to everyone's taste.

I used to get that quite bad. It sounds a bit like "Imposter Syndrome", which isn't an actual syndrome or anything, just a description for this kind of experience. There's always an undercurrent of it there in everything I do. I'm not sure how to get rid of it completely.

Your story sounds very familiar, because it's similar to what I've been feeling. The difference is that my "documentary/thesis" was just a Lego movie that I made for my own enjoyment, and I'm 15 years older than you. So, already you've got my respect for merely being in a position where you have actually made a documentary. That, all by itself, is an impressive achievement. It's all I can do to get the breakfast dishes done before dinner.

Even though I made my little movie simply for my own enjoyment, I did want to show it to a few people so it wouldn't be a total waste. Also, the whole time I was working on it, I kept thinking that when it was finished, I would write a letter to my favorite actor and tell him that it was his work and attention to detail that inspired me to make it in the first place, do my best, and to stick with the project---which was absolutely true. I certainly didn't expect that he'd go out of his way to watch some nutty stranger's Lego movie, and that's fine, but I did know that if I was going to write that letter, I would have to give him the option of seeing it. Well, I felt fine about that, and was kind of riding on the high of having completed something that, to me, was a big deal. I had put my very best effort into every frame, and it was truly a labor of love. My best friend, and her husband (whose original music I used) both loved my movie. I got good "reviews" from the few people I showed it to, all of whom know me and, I assume, love me. Then I put it a link to it on a website where people can see each other's Lego movies. About a hundred people viewed it, but only a few bothered to comment. Each comment was something like, "WTF?" and "The voices were so annoying I didn't watch the whole thing," and "Okaaaaaaaayyyyy....." I just assume that the people who didn't comment were thinking, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." That's despite the fact that I am always seeing really cool things on people's blogs, and even though I think they are awesome, I don't leave a comment.

Ever since then, I've been feeling afraid to write my letter, because now I keep thinking maybe it really is crap. When I was making it, I knew it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, but at least I was happy with it. Then the doubts began to creep in. I don't want to say, "I admire your work so much, you inspired me to make this...." and then point him to something that's utter crap. KWIM?

I think that's really common, though, and not just an aspie thing.

So, I guess what I'm saying is you aren't alone in what you are feeling. It really bugs me that I feel this way, too, because logically, I know that the people who wrote my "bad reviews" are not only strangers, but probably 15-20 year old guys who have completely different taste than I do, and my movie wasn't made for them. But the reality is that my self-esteem is about as high as the Dead Sea, and it doesn't take much to bowl me over. I guess the fear is that if my creation is a pathetic piece of crap, then what am I? I wish I had the answer as to how to deal with these things and not let them bother you.

And as for that guy who kept asking questions, some people are just like that. He sounds like my mother, who is a wonderful and wise person, but a real critical thinker. You can't bring up a topic with her without being prepared to think about it and explain your position, which is not always something I feel like doing.