*Triggering* I tried to kill myself, I wish it worked.

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*Please if you are currently depressed, don't read this because it might make you feel worse*.




Last Monday I tried to kill myself. I wont say what I took (I don't want other people to get ideas) but I took something, went to bed and then a few hours later I woke up and vomitted. I wish I didn't. I wish that I had gotten something from the chemist to stop me from being sick before I did it, then it might have worked.

I had been thinking about suicide for a few weeks before that attempt, but have been depressed for about 1 year. I couldn't take anymore of the emotional pain. This world is full of hate and I am a complete failure. I failed my education, I will never be anything worthwhile and I'd rather be dead than just another useless person contributing nothing to the world. I still want to kill myself.

Today I went to see my psychologist though and after months of denying everything, I confessed it all. She is going to organize me an appointment to see a psychiatrist because she said I need medication. She made me promise not to kill myself because otherwise I would have to stay in a psych ward, and I really don't want to be in a ward. Still she said that the psychiatrist may commit me against my wishes if they think i'm a risk to myself. I am a risk to myself but I'm tempted to deny it to stay out of the ward.

Even though people are now trying to help me I still think it wont work. People have tried before, I've taken medication before and have done many types of therapy without getting better. I'm a failure. Every night I want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

My advice: take it one day at a time, things will get better.

Get lost in a book, kill time watching movies, spoil yourself, keep yourself busy.

If you need someone to talk to, pm me.

David

Edit: Oh yeah, Vegetarians are cool!

I'm so sorry, Brittany- no one should have to feel bad enough to want to die. Your life matters, even if you don't feel that way at the moment.

Why do you feel like the "world is full of hate"?

You haven't "failed" your education, sweetheart. You're only 17- lots of people struggle at your age and then do further study when they're a bit older. It's hard to do well at anything when you're feeling depressed and miserable- you need to get this depression sorted out first.

I'm glad you're getting some more help. Keep talking to people- try not to let yourself get isolated. Do you have a supportive family?

I really wish you well. Please keep fighting to get better, Brittany.

Jenny (fellow vegetarian)

((((((((((((Brittany))))))))))

I must admit I have the very same thoughts. I think it helps to have someone to talk to though they are expensive. Mine feels like a person I pay $50 per fortnight to be friends with me... she is nice though I dont feel entirely comfortable talking to her about everything for some reason.

I think suicide is a philosophical thing. I know it can seem like a pretty valid option at many times. Right now I feel like I am in a sort of waiting room, waiting for things to get better, and if I hold on my number might come up. I am trying to find ways to make that waiting room a better place to be in and I wish I had more ability to do so.

I hope you keep yourself safe for now and talk to the psychologist. Another thing you can do is talk to a crisis line, they have phone counsellors who can be helpful to talk to if you are feeling pretty down...

What about doing some volunteer work at the SPCA?

the problem with depression and suicide is that it is a one way communication, most of us really dont wanna see you go because we have been down dark roads as well and know where you're at. But what ever we say, what ever we might write to you is purely up to yourself in the end, it will become your responsibillity to see the support and pick yourself up.

Bottom line, you are different.
I failed school to so I moved and started a new one.
Now I might quit this one as well cuz I have major chest pains and stress lvl is through the roof.
Right now I feel like s**t, but f**k it the end is not yet.

and stop selfloathing, I know it comes with the package but you do hold value aspie, more than you know.

suicide isnt the answer. watch comedy central presents, watch the movie called "national lampoons BEERFEST" or maby "life" or even "harold & kumar go to white castle" and harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay. i am positive this will make you smile and help BIG time.
(sorry could never be a vegatarion. that would meen having to give up my comfort food(italian beef) and couldnt eat at KFC that would KILL me.)

Brittany ~ There are times in our lives when we can't see past the next hour and it's frightening and scary and we're sure we already know the outcome, but we don't. The first time I tried to commit suicide was 22 years ago. I was 12 and I did it again at 16. Both times saved by the team in ER. I'm now 34 and life is so much better than I could have possibly thought it could be. When you're feeling that depressed and life is THAT dark, it's a painful place to be.

What I ended up doing was not caring about anything. I didn't care to kill myself so I didn't care about what the psych team tried to do for me. In the end, I think that's why it worked. I let them try their best and since I wasn't actively avoiding it, it sort of seeped into my system and eventually, bit by bit by bit, my days weren't as dark.

I am passionate about animals and I started volunteering at the animal shelter. I couldn't have people depend on me (it felt like too much pressure and I wasn't prepared to talk about how I felt) but I could take care of the animals and I was able to love them and make them feel wanted. Looking back, it's probably what saved me.

I hope that you can find something similar. Find your own saving grace. Something sustain you through the dark moments so that you can pull the pieces of your life back together again. You don't have to do it alone, but it does take time.

hugs to you.

I hope you are getting the help you need, Brittany. Medication isn't a perfect solution but - side effects and all - it beats the heck out of the alternative.

Thats so scary Brittany, its good you told your doctor, and getting some help.

A tip: Stop watching the news for a month or so and you may end up feeling better.

The news usually just report bad things, they rarely report good things and seeing all that evil can make anyone depressed. Yes, people are evil but there are also good people that do things that never get reported. There is a reason why headlines such as "100 new jobs created in fooville" do not sell as well as "2 gunned down in random violence". Normal people feed on misery (maby to proove for themselves how better of they are - what do i know?) and if you, like me, get depressed by reading/hearing such things, take a break from the world and you will feel much better.

And failing in education/work IS NOT the end of the world. It just feels like that when you are 17. Looking back at my life, most of my education havent been worth a piece of crap on my jobs. I did not know what to study when i was 15-19, so i am an educated car mechanic, electronics repair and i have also taken college economics. Eventually i ended up working with something i love instead; Computers.

(Life doesnt always turn out how you think, and it is not all bad.)

So, what to do? You can always take a non-qualification job right now and think about what you want to do with your life, studying something that you REALLY want to do is the best thing. I took a 2 year IT-Security course, i didnt study a minute and just used my accumulated knowledge and if i had bothered to do better in math, i'd would have shared the best grade in the class with the best student.

So, concentrate on what you like and go after that. It may not be the answer for you, but it is a good start. But you should know - even with an education, there are no garantees in life...

Like someone else said in that suicide thread; "Why would one want to kill oneself as a permanent solution to a temporary problem"?

I will be thinking of you.

Life has a weird way of working things out ... given time you will land on your feet. Just stay strong.


Side note: Is there a duty of care to the owners of this site?

They should NEVER commit you involuntarily.


I felt suicidal a few months ago because of something with my boyfriend, and working it out with my boyfriend is what made me not suicidal, so I didn't really need the doubled dose of citalopram I was given after confessing to my shrink.


How is your mother treating you? Did she marry that guy? How is he treating you?


I'm 21 and ran away from school to go with my boyfriend and we ended up doing nothing except getting pregnant, and then I couldn't go anywhere or go to school or anything because I threw up whenever we got in the truck and drove somewhere. Also, my medication made me unmotivated but I couldn't go off it because I had frightening mental health symptoms when I did. I never even finished my last credit for high school.

Update:
Sorry I haven't replied to your responses up until now. I haven't been on WP for quite a while.
It really helped reading what others had to say, especially since they weren't programmed responses that mental health professionals are trained to give. Since I started this thread I have decided not to kill myself, not because I'm feeling any better but because I have pets. They rely on me & I know they would miss me if I were dead. Whenever I am sad, they come up to me & for that moment I know that I don't have to lie & pretend to be enjoying life. I can be sad around them & they don't mind. Plus, they remind me of what I'm doing wrong - taking things way too seriously. I DO want to make a difference in this world & that's another reason why I have decided to stay alive. I can't help animals If I'm dead. Even if it's only cleaning cages at the SPCA, someone has to do it.
Some nights I still hope to never wake up, but I'm not planning on trying to kill myself again. Most attempts are just that, only 1 out of 20 succeed (NZ statistics). I realise that I should have told someone before things got this bad but at least now I can have a tiny, tiny but of hope that this psychiatrist will be able to help me. I don't care if I'm not happy for some time, I just want to feel neutral for a while instead of really down.

Anyway, Ana54, yes my mother did get married to that guy. They will have been married for 1 year on August the 2nd.