Rantish, my apologies, but why it just isn't fair.

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I’m just a kid, I know, but if I’ve already learned anything about life is that it’s not fair; all we Aspies can say that. But it’s as if Asperger’s itself wasn’t enough…

Even if I didn’t have AS, my life would be far from ‘normal’. My entire family is from India, but we currently live in the Middle East. See, my father’s job in the oil industry and his climb up the corporate ladder forces our family to move all over the world; I’m only thirteen but already have lived in four countries. It’s not all glitz and glamour in the international lifestyle, though, especially for me.

Even though we’re a very well-travelled family, my family is still strongly connected to our roots and our culture; as well as the not-so tolerant parts of their beliefs. It’s really hard, because I’m living in constant fear. My parents believe firmly in physical punishment and as do I to an extent; but my parents CANNOT distinguish from physical punishment and right-out abuse. According to them it is a perfectly acceptable practice, and unfortunately all other relatives I have believe the same way. It’s not just fear of abuse- when I finally racked up the nerve a fair few months ago to ask them to have a serious conversation and finally admit that I believe I am agnostic, you know what they did? They laughed. Their daughter could never commit an act so heinous, she must obviously not be serious to say she has deviated from Hinduism. That was the only time I had ever approached them on something on that high a level of importance, and they shot me down absolutely refusing to even discuss the issue. Oh, and of course I got in trouble for ‘joking’ like that, and you can imagine what ‘getting in trouble’ constitutes in this household.

Couple the intolerant household along with the process of being viciously torn up by the roots every few years or so, and what do you get when someone with AS (and most likely clinical depression) leads that lifestyle?

Living hell.

I’m treated like a diseased THING. An object, something to be shut away. The slightest suggestion that anything could be wrong with my head sends them into an almost atelophobic fit of rage and panic. Because of this, they have denied me the right to see a psychiatrist or receive any other sort of help, or even discuss any issues. Oh, what am I saying- they use a psychiatric visit as a THREAT against my sister, aged 18, when she does not behave according to their whims (i.e. talking back, expressing a different opinion)- psychiatric treatment is considered one of the utmost disgraces that could ever befall a person, according to my parents. Also referencing their theory, if you are diagnosed with any sort of mental illness, defect or disorder, you automatically belong in the nuthouse locked away for the sake of human kind. It may seem like a stretch, how I relay my parents’ views, but it’s the truth, the truth as I’ve so brutally experienced. There is not a SINGLE day I can get through without being called an idiot, worthless, screwed up, pathetic, or some other equally hurtful insult/swearword in Hindi, and constantly yelled at/punished for failing to understand apparently ‘simple’ things. They simply refuse to accept that I. AM. DIFFERENT. Their attempts to ‘break my stubbornness’ only make me loathe them more, they do not understand that they’ve made me start wishing I was locked up and finally away from this nightmare.


At least I know to expect that from them. I crave routine, if I do not have at least a shred of day-to-day stability I simply melt down. Nearly every part of my day is mapped out so I know what I have to do when, so there are no surprises. As you can guess I’m horrible at social situations; even working up the nerve to say hi to someone and engage in small talk takes me months of mental preparation and planning. And then of course I’m still terrified and panic. Doesn’t help that my parents are quite popular socialites and force me to be present at every bloody stupid party they host, with me curled up in a corner just waiting for the night to be over already. But yeah- like I said, I move quite a lot. Every two-three years or so we pack up and move to a different goddern CONTINENT. The absolute agony, the immense trials I go through; at times like those I had even come close to suicide. It takes so long for me to get even remotely attached to someone, and every time they are taken away from me...

I honestly just don’t know what to do; I’ve tried so hard to be optimistic ever since my counselor suggested to my parents two years ago that I see a psychiatrist; her nephew had AS and she recognized symptoms in me. I’ve been reading up on AS ever since and I’ve pretty much confirmed that I probably do have it- but of course I can't go properly get myself diagnosed. Of course, two years ago I lived in America. Now here I am in the Middle East, and this summer I’m moving AGAIN. I don’t know how many more complete breakdowns I can take before I flip out and just quit being able to handle things one too many times.

I do not have any advice for you since I haven't endured anything like what you are going through. I didn't have an easy life growing up, but it wasn't as bad as in your situation where religion and cultural issues are so deeply rooted and I am sad for you. You know who you are, yet because of these issues they cannot accept you for who you are. They do not take your viewpoints seriously because you are a child, but from your post I can see that you are wise far beyond your years, well-educated and one hell of a writer.

If it's any consolation, and I am sure it's really not, I am extremely impressed with you. To know at your age, with all the religious and cultural influences around you, that you are agnostic is really a big thing in itself. You clearly do think for yourself, yet in their eyes you can't possibly do so as a child of your age. This is a real predicament and the only advice I could give would be to say that you need to just stick it out for a few more years until you are 18. Get out on daddy's dime and do what you need to do, then cut ties if you feel it necessary.

You are very strong for even writing this all out, and I have to again tell you how impressed I am with your intelligence. It really shows through in your words and with the fact that you have come to the point you have with your beliefs at your age despite all the influences around you.

I hate to simply "ditto" what sbcmetroguy said but it's all exactly what I was going to say. You know who you are, and your family will not acknowledge that or accept you, so you are stuck surviving them until you're legally old enough to get out on your own.
If you know the laws and systems of the country you're currently in, you may be able to get help getting away from those people if they are abusing you. I feel like your prospects for this must have been better in the US than a lot of Middle Eastern countries.
You are an intelligent and worthwhile human being. You have a right to be on this earth and live free of abuse. I hope that you make it to an age and situation where you can become independent of your abusers, and meet and be around more intelligent and open-minded people. I wish you luck in finding your way.

Impressionist,

I wish I was there with you. I could be your friend.

Your post broke my heart. I wish things get better for you soon and that your parents realize the mistakes they are making.

Your sister...is she helping you with what you're going through? Is she someone you can confide in?

We're thinking of you here and this hopefully brings you some comfort.

I would just like to express my sincerest thanks to all; this was mainly written as a ventish thing, thank you so much for your empathy and understanding.