goodbye for now

Post Reply New Topic

One day i'll commit suicide again. I'll do it as a cry for help. If i survive then i hope people will see that i am not okay and i need more help than they give me. They really don't understand me at all. If i do something wrong then they argue and i can't stand it.. i ll cry. And then they ask this question: "Why do you cry?" But if i die, then i am sorry for everyone i love and who care about me.
This day will come..

Hi, Skonamis. You certainly don't sound "okay" at all right now. I'm glad you've got people who love and care about you, though. What sort of help do you think you need? Are you getting support from a psychologist or other counsellor at the moment? Jenny

I go to psychologist and psychiatrist and they try to help, but i feel lost and hopeless. The help they gave me was medication and some talk to people at school. They tell me to learn and finish school, but i can't. I hate school. Everyday i feel that i get more dumb. I don't have this energy and mood to do well at school. I don't even talk to nobody at school. When i get bad marks or don't stay all day at school then i get argued by my aunt. It makes me cry. She tells me that she will force me to go to live at my mothers place. That even my grandparents won't want me back. But then nobody will take care of me anymore. I wont go to school and i wont work. I would be a complete failure. And at my old homeplace there are people who bullied me. I'd feel shame of me every single day. I could not even go outside at all, because the old bullies who hate me for no reason would bully me everytime i see them. My old home is in a very small town.
I am 17, but i feel like a small and helpless child. But people expect me to be more.. more independent or something. ..what a ret*d i am..

sorry for this awfully bad english.

Your English is fine and you're definitely NOT a "ret*d", okay?

It sounds like you're very unhappy at school and you don't think you'll do well. Is the school doing anything to help you? Or is there something else that you would you like to do instead? Perhaps there's some sort of job training that you could do. Maybe you need to talk about this with your psychologist, and he/she could discuss it with your family.

Going back to your old home town doesn't sound like a good idea if it would make you so unhappy.

You're only seventeen, so no one should expect you to be very independent just yet. I have a sixteen-year-old daughter, and she's certainly not independent- she still needs lots of support.

Please don't give up on yourself just yet- you're at a difficult age right now, but your life WILL get better- just wait and see.

Jenny

i believe that it is a difficult age. But my mother and father are devorced for 8 years now and they don't live together anymore. My mother is very poor now, and she had a difficult life. And my father has a new family. I feel kind of distant from them. It has been a very long time. And i don't want to bother them. My grandparents.. i was living with them a year ago, but i had to go to another school. They were very demanding. There were a lot of arguments. I remember when they sayed that when i won't get along with school they will give me and my sisters away.. i don't know if they meant it real because i didn't get very bad marks at school. But when i did get my first bad mark then they got very angry. They allways punished us when we were small, but i think it was the way of raising us.
And now i live with my aunt. She is a very outgoing and extroverted person. Complete opposite of me. She gets mad too when i don't do things the way they must be done.
..it feels like i don't have nobody. I feel so dead. I don't have any strong emotions anymore. I can't ever cry. Only when somebody makes me.
When i go to school and stand near zebra waiting cars to pass the road. Then i stand close to the car-road because when a big truck or car passes by then i feel a strong feeling.. it feels like i am alive. And it is usually the only feeling i get the whole day.
And inside myself i know that i am extremely afraid to have a job in future. I can go to school, but a job is something different. I am So afraid of people, especially strangers.

I'm so sorry- it must have been very difficult for you to move around so much, from your parents to your grandparents and then to your aunt. I can see why you would feel rather lost. Do you stay in touch with your sisters?

I know what you mean about the big cars and trucks- you can feel the vibration right through your body when they pass. I don't really like that feeling, but it's strong. That shouldn't have to be your only feeling for the day, though- isn't there anything else that you enjoy? Do you have anyone to talk to at school?

Why are you afraid to have a job? Are you worried about making mistakes or are you nervous about doing something new? Some people who are unhappy at school feel much happier when they start working. It's wise to be careful of strangers, but most people are okay when you get to know them. You're been talking to me, even though I'm a stranger, and I think you've been expressing yourself very well.

I enjoy playing computer games and watch movies, but every schoolday i feel stressed and sometimes i only want to sleep whole day. Maybe it is not even stress. Maybe it is anxiety because i am usually feeling a high body temperature, racing heart, fear in stomach ..really don't know, but this feeling wont let me stay in peace. I am afraid of future and getting to be independent when everyone abandons me. I fear that one day everyone abandons me. I am so shamed about myself. I have been like this my all-life.
At schools i have never talked to nobody. Only very rare times when people were asking something. Including teachers. I have always been extremely weird and quiet at school. I have never seen anybody like me. What am I? I am afraid of a job because it lasts longer than school and there are many grown-up people who would see what a failure i am. And i hate responsibility over things i don't really care about. I easily get depressed. I would not be a good worker at all.
I remember time, when i was at my mothers place and her male friend came to visit her. He was talking a lot. But all the time i was there i didn't open my mouth and i was like a stone-figure all the time. Until he left. He did ask me something but my answers were quiet and i was definently blushing.
I am not very afraid to talk to people in internet, but when i have to face them in real life then i am like a mute robot.

If i could only feel peace in my heart, body and most important - in my mind.
I feel like lost in a dark hole with rainy day. All alone.

Hello again, Skonamis. I'm sorry I couldn't reply for a while- I had to go to bed. It's late afternoon on the next day here now.

I'm glad you get enjoyment from playing computer games and watching movies. I suppose they are easy for you to enjoy because they are activities that you can do without other people.

The feeling that you describe does sound like anxiety. It is very common for people who have Asperger's to suffer from anxiety- I'm sure you know that. Have you talked to your psychologist/psychiatrist about this? I'm sorry that you feel so anxious about school. I'm also very sorry that you feel ashamed. You have no reason to feel like that- it's not your fault that you have AS, and it's because of the AS that you find it hard to talk to people.

I think that your teachers at school should be helping you more. They must see that you're unhappy and not talking to anyone. Is there a kind and friendly teacher at your school who you could try to talk to? Perhaps you could even write a note or send an email. I don't know what schools are like in your country, but in Australia, where I live, students and teachers often have quite friendly relationships. I'm a high school teacher (I hope that doesn't make you feel nervous of me) and I talk with students about all sorts of things. Students often send emails to teachers (we have a school email network) to ask questions or tell us that they will be absent or to send work.

As for being afraid of having a job, maybe you would be happy working with computers or doing a job that does not involve talking to other people too much. There are many different kinds of work. You might be very good at some types of work and not be a "failure" at all.

I think you're right- you need to feel peace in your mind. Until you feel happier about yourself, life will be difficult. I notice that your avatar shows you as a devil and says that you are evil. Of COURSE you're not evil- you're just a very unhappy teenager, and there's nothing evil about you. Try to be a bit kinder to yourself, okay? Jenny