A life that has to end.

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My life is getting worse by the second. The demons of the dark are hunting me down. I am considering suicide now, but I probably won’t commit it. I want to commit it. I get bullied in school, I get mentally torched. Life’s hell. I have always been different in school and I have been punished for it. The darkness grows. I hate my life, I haven’t seen even a glimpse of anything positive. I have no place in this universe, I am abnormal. I am ugly, unattractive, shy, clumsy, useless and a failure in everything succeedable. I have always been an outsider. I have been disconnected, a temporary glitch that’s due to turn permanent. My shallow fate shall be tested. What is life? It's clearly unnecessary. Suceedable gibberish. I just can't take anymore.

What if I die now? Would anybody care? No one cares about me now. No one cares. You don’t know me, you can’t care. My mum would cry, my dad would be unsustainable, school would be saddened, some would be enlightened. I could just easily kill myself now, yet hear I am, blasted by my own dark sense of desire. I want to die, I desire it. A grim satisfaction fills my lungs as I speak of it. My brain is going stale. My growing insanity is influenced by my very being. How could I live on like this?

Laura Jones. I love her, but yet that tall necked fiend Kieran Stroud has it right to step into the way. My apparent friend has betrayed me, forming his own wall of insults for his daily worthship. I have feelings for his sister too but yet this wall is clearly blocking the way. What have I got to live for? Why bother? The contrast of power and love, none of which I have, fuel my fantasies. I love her, but who would love me? If I had the power I would have everyone who has ever insulted me killed in an instant. Evil, a power of which has a grasp, is holding me. I have fell into the abyss.

Blackness. Horrible blackness. The void of my own desirer. The bold is underlined by existence. Heck, I don’t even know what I'm saying anymore. The language of the soul? Poetry is useless, my friend. I am only in set 3 English, but yet is this set 1 work? The language of the soul. Fate; it must be tested. My destiny. My internal corrupted destiny. It’s sad to die at the age of 14, but if there’s a path wont sadness just flow anyway? My eyes are hiding the greater secret. Suicide. Blacked out eyes shall only be shown in the light of night. My minds falling in.

Shall I commit what shall not be committed? The height adjusting soundtrack called Ozar Midrashim is now playing, creating my own waves to corrupt these surrounding. I would never describe it as a happy track, no, but then it’s too far beyond sad to say that. I sit on this computer every single blasted day, nothing but forums, and nothing but insults from them. This is of a small exception. The ring of rope is circling my path. The very devil is on my very undoing. My death be with me. I am so bored within this corrupted shell. Life no longer interests me, but then again it never has. My death shall come.

I have been drowned into the fluid of hell. The noise is getting louder. The humming of the dark. Sense is of little sense to me now. I hate this rhythm. I should accept the sacrifice, leave the universe the way it is while I remove my own pointlessness from it. I will be forgotten within year. You know this is true. God has betrayed me, for I am no one. He is of little existence, but his purpose has been fulfilled. I should kill myself shortly. I have to. Souls swim over my drowned vassal. What’s left of it. Harassment of my own soul.

Spiritual infliction. My death won’t even reach the local newspaper, but this spiral only leads down. School shows little mercy. Insults will only be insults even beyond the reaches of creativity. Apparently I have no creativity, but then apparently I am a foolish gay mother f*****g retard-the rightful container of ‘a monges syndrome’. Hmm, ‘a monges syndrome’, foolish, and yet an A* in both maths and science? This is of little importance, the corruption has to end now. I need to break this seal. The life of which I have tried so hard to end. The spirit of a mad man. Has the abyss fallen into me?

I can be sad for the whole of my life, or dramatically bring it to an end. The two sides of a coin. I will never be happy, no one will love me. Death shall have to be touched, but there is a third option. I said myself, there is only two sides of a coin, but perhaps one day, after flicking the coin enough times, perhaps one day if lands on its edge? Could this ever happen? Could my fantasies come true? Coins have never landed on their edge, but perhaps it worth the gamble. I am selfish, big headed, (in more than one sense of the word) corrupt and evil. I deserve to die.

robo37, I'm sorry to hear how unhappy you are - all I can tell you is that no matter how black the darkness gets, it never lasts forever. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Sweetie, you are severely depressed and I know how hard it is to see your way out of that black hole. I have been there. You must get professional help. This is a very serious condition and it's not your fault. You are not weak and you are not worthless. I used to think of my life as a life sentence. Ask someone to take you for a check-up, even if they have to make the appointment for you. Like I said, I know how immobilizing a severe depression can be.There is help available if you ask for it. In my experience you can't talk your way out of a depression this severe. Meds saved my life.

Please live topic

My son was depressed like you at your age. I was frantic and afraid to leave him alone. Your parents must be worried as well. Please, please find someone to talk to. You have found a really good support site here. I am glad you told people how you feel. Being a teenager is so hard.

I have a daughter your age. You sound like a very sensitive young man, and have much to contribute. WP is a very caring place. And please tell someone how you feel. Teenage depression is real, and you can be helped.

Well...robo37...I for one hope you live just so I can continue reading your posts...which, so far, are--brilliant, amazing....sometimes delightfully morbid. You have a unique and sensitive writing style which rivals some of the best out there.

I'm no expert, so don't take my word for it....publish something and let the public be your judge....I think you could be a literary genius. It's not so much what you say as the way you say it. For example--in the OP--you speak of the language of the soul...yeah...you know that language as well as Bob Dylan and very few know it better than he does..When you express a feeling, you do it with gusto, and dramatic flair, and a certain kind of angst which is--to me anyway--unbelievably moving and heart wrenching.

The thing I wish to convey is that---in the depths of your misery, you still manage to see it so very clearly...like you are above it, aloof from it. There is some part of you that remains unaffected enough to describe human affliction from the root of despair....and yet, something in you remains completely pure and untouched by it. I find this remarkable and awe-inspiring!! Your mind, relative to your emotional state, is so exquisitely precise and detached. How are you able to accomplish this?

You are extremely talented in math and science too.

I just heard of slam poetry...and don't really know what it is....have you tried that?

Also, if you are taking meds...stop taking them and see if there is an improvement.

If you put all your posts @ WP and other forums into a book and then self-publish.....you might find out if your writing has public appeal. I think it does. There's only one way to find out.... Publish something! And do it sooner rather than later.

Sorry about the lateness of this post, I've been at my dad’s house for a week.

I don’t know what it is with me. I act rather differently on other forums, on other forums I only post small messages the often get described as foolish and often get insulted. I can see that this topic only has received 4 posts, so my writing style can’t be that brilliant. I can see it is unique, but I can see how it can be described as strange. My life is strange, it seems pointless. I don’t even understand myself. I just want it all to end.

I fantasise about love, but I will never get any. I fantasise about power, but I will never get any. I want to have everyone bow down at my feet, to have the power to have everyone in my school slaughted like cows right in front of me, to be some kind of lord of darkness. That’s how evil I am. I hate myself. But then other days I just want everyone to live in harmony, for everyone to just get along.

I have lost my grasp with sanity, with reality. I have started to ask “why?” Why. I have begun to question my own existence. I feel unstable. I just can’t be bothered living anymore. Why should I bother? Life seems pointless to me now. I feel out of place, I need something to live for. I am out of reason, I am beyond sense, beyond normality. I am not taking meds, but I feel like I’m drugged on reality. I just want to die. To fall out of this pathetic existence. I don’t understand anything anymore. I look up to find nothing. I am but a line, dragged along a cursed path along fate. I have been cursed. I have been crushed. The only thing that rivals my hatred towards Kieran is my love towards Laura, and his sister. So go on then, curse me. I probably deserve it. Shall I respect this cursed destiny?.........or shall I fight it? I’m lost. Lost within the abyss. What would really be so wrong with my death? My soul has been imprisoned, what would be so wrong with freeing it? I know, I am depressed. I think I’ve gone insane.

You really can get help. I tried to kill myself when I was 26 and I was almost successful. I ended up in intensive care. After I recovered, I was able to start anew with my life and I could eventually feel free (while alive) and able to enjoy things again.

Please reach out for help with this.

I hope you hang on and get help for the problems. Is there anyone you could confide in? I read about the Kieran situation and it reminded me of my youngest brother who dealt with harrassment from his friend for years.

Unique, yes ... and also displaying much talent.

Well I was planning to tell Kieran’s friend (mine as well, but to a lesser degree) James. He does insult me as well, and he always complains about me apparently 'following him', but I've sent a email to Laura under the name 'MrX' saying I love her and I was really worried that I upset her but when I explained to James to seemed to understand perfectly and talked it through with me, and also apparently he has thought about committing suicide before.



Yes but I've just received a message about this topic entitled 'You Suck' by someone on this forum who seemed to of been telling me to film myself committing suicide so it can be put on Youtube.

He seems worth confiding in. The best thing would be if you could be rid of some of the bullying. Is there any way to establish some distance from that other guy? My brother resorted to trying to conduct his business secretively because his friend would keep trying to seek him out. In the end, he managed to establish some distance.



All the more reason to pay them no attention (except to report it to a mod!)

Robo37, I want you to feel better, regardless of what any jerk tells you. You seem very articulate, which is an admirable trait.

I'm going to turn 26 in one month and I'm living in absolute misery. I hear screeching, buzzing, jarring noises in my mind. I keep repeating to myself, "The StooOOooOOopid people, the StooOOOooOOopid people..." and it seems almost forced. I would go into more detail about my inner mental life, but I might get a moderator warning for it. It's that bad.

This is after teaching myself the basics of the mathematical language of General Relativity at age 14. My life took a wretched, degrading, insulting change.

If there is any advice I could give -- and I'm not sure it would work -- it would be to avoid becoming enmeshed with fighting games or heavy drug use and become practiced in the art of generosity.

If only I had done that earlier.

Last edited by MikeH106 on 16 Apr 2009, 7:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Got nothing to loose then?? done gone lost everything from what it sounds like....

If so, what will it matter if you then took a risk and did something for yourself in spite of every one else?

Been walked on and used and taken advantage of... why settle for being a victim of social standards in a culture dominated by NT's?

For once, figure out what you want, and the get there, in spite of what every one else is saying or doing.... if there is nothing to lose, then there is much to be gained... Respect yourself because if you do not or unable to do so, no one else will either... And when others can respect you, no matter what they think, theyre not going to walk all over you but will take you more serious...

whining about the situation and thinking about ending it all is a cop out... it is easier to die, but what is really in that? it is harder to live but if you can take that risk then you can have a better time while you're here... once you're gone, you're not comming back... so what if someone says this about you or someone else says that, prove them wrong, show them taht your better than that.... show it to yourself that you are not defined by other people but rather you will be who you define yourself to be...

Nothing much to loose, heh? you have a really good opportunity to gain a lot for yourself... I hope you see waht I see and sieze this moment and take that path... You will evolve to a much stronger and better person over time...

Damn those posts make me want to cry.

Please don't try and take your own life. Please for f**k's sake reach out and ask for help, you can overcome your problems with the right treatment.

You're NOT foolish and you're NOT ret*d. You're not corrupt, you're not evil, and you do not, I repeat, do NOT, deserve to die. Judging from your posts, you're an intelligent and sensitive person who would be an asset to the world if you fulfilled your potential.

Don't let all the s**t in your life destroy you.

Being an Auitie myself, I find that many peopel on the spectrum are beautiful people... really sucks that we are misunderstood, oothers try to change us to be more like them when we are not like them in the first place...


It is better to be hated for who you are than to be love for who you are not... Those on the spectrum are more forward in who they are and it sucks that society's attempts to change us from what we are to something we are not has some collateral damage in that it has bad effects on some of us so much that some of us can only see either try to be something you're not or end it all...

Anyone want to talk about anything, pm me anytime... It does help to share amongst ourselves... I would like to go there and fix things for you... but I just cant do that but I can be someone anyone can talk to.... being in this forum is a mean that communications can be initiated... so I can offer that to you with no expectations... just if you need to talk about anything...

Do not let the number of posts in this thread deter you, many others do not know how to respond... look at it as in quality rather than quantity... A few close friends are better than a lot of friends that you are not close to... because in hard and difficult times, and in times of need... it will be those close friends that will stick by you and be there for you...

Relief. If I carry on living I will still be feeling sad, angry, depressed, regretful, insane, pointless and generally negative while if I kill myself I will be feeling none of that. What’s wrong with doing things the easy way?