People who tell you to get a life

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I hate it. It makes me think that I have no purpose on earth. Whenever my mom and sister tell me that, I get a crushing feeling. I feel as if I have no self worth.


I understand what people are saying to become more outgoing, but it is not that simple. I have a real problem. I just can't wake up one day and make tons of friends to go to the club. I understand that I should be doing what other 22 year olds are doing, but It's just not me. I enjoy staying home and surfing the net. I like studying. I have a career goal.


How can I get self worth?

Self worth comes from the self; you won't find it in the measure of others. If you are pursuing the life you want, then you are doing more than many in this world - there is no right way to go through living.


M.

Perfectly and beautifully stated makuranososhi.

It's a process and not an instantaneous thing, especially when one has lived a life of being judged and tolerating rude comments by people who don't get it. It does sound as if your mother and sister don't understand you or your traits or they think maybe that it's a self control thing, can you steer them toward information that might make them understand that this isn't a matter of putting on a happy face or pretending to be someone else? While yes you must find your self-worth, it does make it hard when family and friends think they can "fix" you or you aren't trying and that's why you aren't Mr or Miss Popularity and out clubbing. They probably can't see past themselves to understand that anyone would not want to be very social and go out clubbing, etc.. or have a difference that keeps one from fitting into a generic mold. Not everyone can see it, understand it, or appreciate it.

You have to accept yourself- warts and all, and work on what you don't like that you can change and work on accepting the stuff you can't change.

Oddly enough, the biggest step in self-worth for me has come from living life on my terms rather than other people's - I think seeing that "whoa the world didn't come to an end" when I didn't pretend to be what other people wanted me to be was a huge step. I also know I don't want my little boy to feel as lousy as I do for not being accepted- so we try to build his self-esteem and look at the positives of his traits and almost as a side effect I have started to see the same positives in the traits we share. If I have low or no self-worth because of the differences I have that other people identify as negative then I am only proving them correct by letting their ignorance impact me negatively.

I also find that this applies greatly when accepting oneself or anyone else:

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music
which he hears, however measured or far away.
-Henry David Thoreau

I wasted so much energy so far in my life trying to live up to the expectations of my parents that I become a "social" teen that I just don't care. My mom was what I call a "hyperparent" and she spared no effort to try mold me into a Type A party animal kind of guy. All of this obviously failed and her careful construction fell apart by the time I was 15 or 16.

All my mother ever wanted for me was that I be like my older cousin "David", who is very social and spends every night salsa-dancing at the club and has a new girl every week. He is a very smooth, effervescent, bubbly person who is extremely deft in social situations. He has 2 college degrees and is personally very successful because he can manipulate anyone at his place of business into doing what he wants. My mother tried to mold me into a minature version of him and was constantly forcing me to attend teen parties, get-togethers, ice-cream socials, sock-hops, and "playdates" every day after school. I hated every second of this forced socialization and I am still in a state of utter rebellion against any form of gregariousness.

Whenever I failed to satisfy my mother's lofty social expectations for me she responded by punishing me and making my life a living hell. She would drag me somewhere I didn't want to go every night where I would make a bunch of social faux pas and embarass myself, much to her chargin. She gave up on me by the time I was 17, and at this point, I am done trying to satisfy anyone's cultural expectations of myself.

The core of my AS is that I have no personality and therefore no "life." I'm happier having no friends or dates on my calendar. If you are happier doing low-key personal stuff, than keep it up and let your family's insouciance roll of your shoulders. It can actually be fun to make people who want to change you upset by defying their efforts. I had a blast in my late teenage years defying my mother and later, I made a game of it when my CO in the Army tried to change me into being a Type A alpha male. Find self-worth by cultivating your personal interests and build yourself up from your strengths. Don't use all your energy to fix your weaknesses.

That is so inconsiderate, telling someone they have "no life", as if that is going to somehow make them want to be more social. Other people have no authority to judge the quality of my life and tell me it isn't as good as they would like it.

My life is perfectly good an valuable according to my own standards, and that is all that matters to me. I see no reason to go out and party, and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything at all.

Lives are not manufactured; except if fiction. You don't need tons of friends...just start with one. They multiply in time; six degrees of separation, right?

Bah, who needs a life when there are video games?

In all seriousness, those people are in no position to tell anyone to get a life. If they had a life, they would be busy with it and not telling us to get one.

Want to know something? That piece of advice seems rather appealing! There's a colossal amount of pressure to be a Type A alpha male (at least in the are where I live), but not every male can be. Plus that type is grossly overrated. I've never heard anyone else suggested what you did, but it makes sense.


...When the truth is, they do have a life, just not according to the narrow criteria society imposes on them. Do they think that barking at us to "get a life" is somehow going to help us acquire what constitutes a life in their eyes, overnight? I don't think so.

thats what my sister says all the time that i need a job.
i really dont want one whats the point if im still in school????

Very well put, and excellent advice - one can invest their efforts to achieve mediocrity, or average at best, in many aspects, or to excel in their strengths while being aware of their weaknesses. I prefer the latter... well said.


M.

The last few time others toled me to get a life, I replied back to them with the statement "Well that a interesting remark coming from your perspective." then followed up with questions leading to there statements of what there going to do the rest of there life. If I there plains sound good I congratulate them and wish them good luck otherwise I laugh and walk away.

Agreed - at least in theory, since if your strengths are in things no-one around you cares about, you may be tempted to neglect them.

My mother tells me to "get over myself". I HATE IT WHEN SHE SAYS THAT!! !! !! !! ! I am so angry just thinking about her, I don't care if she IS my mother, she's a b***h and I hate her. *counts down seconds til I can leave home and move to a completely different country*

/rant

In all fairness, ever since my mother found out the truth about my AS, she couldn't be more understanding. It is only natural for your parents to get frustrated and tell you to just be normal. It is hard for someone who takes things like fluent speech for granted to comprehend just what you are dealing with.

I only wish that during my formative years in school I had been allowed to spend my energy on cultivating my talents instead of wasting my effort on trying to correct my weak personal areas. That I think condemned me to a fate of being weak everywhere instead of being strong in a couple areas. It was a waste of time to try and develop my social skills because it was like that old biblical adage of trying to build a house on a sandy riverbank; the foundation was not there to support effective socialization. Telling me to be social is like telling a starving kid to stop being hungry or a stupid person to perform calculus.

I always admired/been jealous of guys like Mozart or Beethoven who had parents who pushed them to their limits to develop their precocious talent instead of the parents and teachers I had who demanded that I become proficient in stuff I couldn't give a damn about. The problem I have with our schools and culture today is that they expect kids to become too well-rounded. Who cares if someone can do Auto-mechanics or wood shop if they are a great historian? I just wish I could have spent my developing years doing something worthwhile for me instead of floundering in an attempt to satisfy the expectations of others that I had no interest in.

Indeed. Far better to have more people specialising in something, instead of being a jack of all trades and a master of none. There'd be a lot less mediocrity.

I don't know the meaning of those words put together like that in an irritating sentence like that.
I don't have any love for my family, either. I don't care what they do. They can beat me up, they can insult me, like they always do, but I still do not love or forgive or even feel apologetic towards them.

Besides, I hate humans and can't wait until they start a world wide riot and kill each other.