OK so i wasn't so sure if iw as supposed to post here in the haven or in love and dating section, moving along.
Thing is, so far i've had, 1 RL relationship, when i was 14, 8 E-relationships, 2 online sex-friends, and this one other date in RL that ended up nowhere...
Thing is i have lots of trust issues, i tend to get too... scared that the other person doesn't actually really like me at all, etc etc, i've been through many different kinds of situations, and different approaches, everything keeps failing, not sure why, one of the main reasons on the past one was probably rushing into things...
When i fall in love, or convince myself that i'm in love, or "being" in love as in hoping that this time would work, rather than for who the other person really is, there's a big tendency to idealize, which is wrong, i know... but thing is, i always get dumped and hardly ever even knowing why. after months of I-love-you's people stop talking to me, stop answering mails, block me on msn, and i have no clue why.
Also there's the terrible fear of not being sure that the person on the other side is who she claims she is, and repeatedly refuses or avoids talking about, giving any real proof.
My current online GF lives far far away, even tho she does not ave a mic nor cam (i don-t have a webcam myself) she does have a cellphone, and i've spoken with her, but it's always only a few seconds, she always has a sore throat or something... then there are lots of details that just don't fit.
First time we met she said she was 16 about to turn 17, 3 days later she says she's 17, turning 18, so i asked her why did she lie, either now or earlier, and she claimed to have forgotten her age... then went to check her birth certificate to conclude she was about to turn 17, not 18. later some guy says he's her BF, when i spoke to her about it she said she had broken up with him the day before she met me but since he had been offline for a while she didn't tell him yet... thing is, according to him, she told him she was 15.
Then there is this thing, she can't seem to... properly concentrate on me, either i do require lots of attention or she has some weird ADD thing. We can be having an intimate and important conversation and she suddenly changes topic, then i ask her why, she says sorry, and we continue, for her it's as if nothing happened, and one second she wants something, next second she doesn't care about it, also she seems to get mad at everyone else pretty fast ( we play this mmorpg together ) one minute she's yelling at someone being verbally aggressive, 10 minutes later she's all happy talking to that person (which frustrates me more than she can imagine).
Also, there's this other girl, that I've always felt kind of attracted to, she lives way closer than my current GF and this other girl, i've known her for 3 years, and we talk about anything, she talks about her BF, i talk about my GF, but we kind of have this deal that is, in a year or so, if we're both alone or with an unstable relationship we're hooking up together, which feels right cause she's the sweetest person i know, and who never ignored me and never hurt me.
Even tho i was supposed to be happy, cause i have a gf at the moment, i feel utterly sad for some reason and i feel like everything is breaking apart. i'm really tired of things not working, i really want someone but everything fails repeatedly. sigh
15 Apr 2009, 6:38 pm
