perplexed, and HURT

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...and crying a lot. I have a local advocate, she's a public health nurse. I like her personally but she's becoming far too controlling, to the point of manipulative. I understand Autism isn't her expertise (that's fine) but there is a massive communication gap between us.

Lab Pet is very logical, analytical, and detail-oriented. She isn't. But just days ago she said she HATES when I explain to her - I will now refrain. But the reason I explain is because, mostly, she's NOT LISTENING! Then her small errors cumulatively lead to major thought errors.

Multitudes of examples, but one recently: I just needed a note to my professor that I may write my presentation, not speak (I'm partly mute) - this is straightforward enough. But she became very tangential and missed the point. I do have a VERY nice male therapist (he's much more relatable) and he simply wrote a 'to whom it may concern' note which took us ~ 3 minutes to accomplish - perfect.

Instead, advocate insisted I give her my professor's email address (I'm leery to divulge his private contact) and she wrote an ok but unprofessional informal note to him (addressing him by his 1st name, saying I use a speech device - He KNOWS this, and she spelled 'device' wrong too....). Anyway, my professor was slightly offended and I concur. I apologized to him for her. I feel this is mildy disrespectful to him.

So when she is clueless, even manipulative of me - if I do try to explain this makes her upset. I'm at an impasse. Now she's instigating a once-a-month meeting about me & I'm not included. This *might* be ok, but unsure if this is a burden on my therapist and she's asked my male friend to attend (he did). But he's my friend (older male) and I feel this is an imposition. He said the meeting went well but is a bit perplexed himself as to WHY.

She's becoming very domineering with me and doesn't LISTEN! She's nice...but how can I tactfully tell her to BACK-OFF? I'm not angry with her, but she makes me nervous. I always thank her for helping with paperwork, etc, but she treats me as if I'm lesser, even saying I might not 'understand things.'

I've been pursuing getting a Service Dog....but I will need 'outside' assistance to do so; hence, I do need her.

Not wanting to seem pretentious, but I have far more academics than she and my science is priority! I treat others well, and I don't appreciate her insinuations. So, how do I insert concept into her head, sans explaining (which makes her upset) and without hurting her soft & fuzzy feelings? She's on a 5 week vacation! Yeah! A reprieve. And she'll be retiring soon - yeah!

This is quite like advocate (= female Dr. Phil) meets Lab Pet (= '7 of 9' cyborg character) :: CLASH

Only reasoned advice.....meltdown pending. Ok, already have had multiple meltdowns over this.

MENTAL SCREAM

OK, shoudl Lab Pet get in touch with her true 'inner (not really existent) feelings' THIS is PRECISELY what I should wish to say to given advocate (and various neuro/psych (un)professionals). And I profoundly mean it, in a ladylike and professional way. Just doesn't come any more succinct, yes? Please watch:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN2FJRlR ... re=related


APA - make my day! ^ And that's my message - adieu. But I can't.....MELTDOWN. Someone save me now.
P.S. Like the video clip? Very appropro, yes?

Can understand why you would be upset; she's not fulfilling the role of an advocate, which is to work on your behalf. I can imagine there may not be many options for alternatives - would it be a viable option to write out formally what your goals and expectations are for her and for yourself? Using the example of the email and her doing what she felt was appropriate instead of what you needed to have done may work to your advantage. However, you might want to warn the professor in advance in case she reacts instead of responds. The frustration from what are apparently well-meaning but overbearingly smothering people wears on me greatly... they don't understand why I continue to get more and more rattled the more they try to "help" - which is how they see it, but it does not have that effect for me. Setting that boundary is really challenging, as it seems to be a social slight to desire independence or opportunities where one can succeed -or- fail, taking risks. If she is working at cross-purposes to your own, then it seems that you may have to register a complaint.


M.

Thank you, makuranososhi....& I'll try to not let this hurt - Lab Pet is meltdown prone.

About having an advocate; their intentions may well be good, but she has no investment in me. By this I mean, I'm just another client with no meaning to her. But I do, occasionally, need services. That's the conundrum.

Still, those Autists that have family to advocate/support have a tremendous advantage. I hate when this public health nurse (who doesn't listen to me) says, "If you don't do X, then you might not have anyone to help you and you'll be alone again." Just manipulative, even threatening. And I'm nice to her! And I treat others well, even strangers. I don't have a family so that committment to my well-being doesn't exist. No parents since my father died when I turned 12.

On Friday I did write her a respectful and sincere letter (email attach), writing to establish boundaries. (1) Will she read this? She's ready for her holiday - might not have time. Ever. (2) No matter how 'nice' my letter is written (and it is), she can find it offensive. (3) She doesn't have too much regard for me anyway, so why should she care?

Totally agree; overbearing smothering people can be a pain and I would avoid, except she's my advocate. Alaskans have few or no resource choices and she's in the authority. And knows.

Much like the difference between having a family, who does care, as opposed to foster-care (or equivalent) when they have NO interest, except maybe their own. I know a local family that did get a Service Dog for their school-age daughter. Her parents do care, have resources, the know-how, and many supporters. For me, even though I technically qualify, I'm out of luck.

If my father were alive, he wouldn't let this happen.

...I think I'll cry now (again).

On the bright side....I love that video! Wish I could send that message (but I would be so in trouble).

Is it possible to get a new advocate? It does sound like this one is not very professional and doesn't know her job very well.

Have you spoken with your therapist about this situation? Maybe he can help.

I'll try, but then she reminds me (often) how good she is and there wouldn't be another to do this.

The "If you cross me then you've failed" approach - kills my self-confidence.

Does she have a superior that you can complain to about this sort of behavior? This kind of manipulation is way out of line.

Also, can you get a new advocate without going through her? Can you talk to someone else about getting a new advocate?

It sounds like this person is being exploitative and abusive. Unless her position is entirely voluntary and unpaid, how does she figure she has any place making veiled threats against your continued access to advocacy services (by suggesting if you do not do X you may not have help when you want it)?

She is being paid to serve your interests, not to dictate to you, require you refrain from communicating and throw her weight around to avoid having to think. She has no right to involve her ego; as your advocate it is her duty to be open to your mode of communication, and to work very hard to understand your needs, and to accept whatever criticism or explaining is necessary to facilitate advocacy for you. If she is "very good" I can only wonder what the "not so good" advocates are like.

I have no constructive advice, I am sorry about that.

Ask for another advocate. You should be able to get one.

I agree with the others who say you should try to get a new advocate. This person sounds really annoying, and not helpful at all.

In so many ways, your post reminds me of the frustration I feel in trying to deal with the people who are supposed to "help" my AS son. They say they'll do a certain thing, and it turns out that what they do makes it worse. I won't hijack your post by giving examples, except to say that the whole time I was reading your post, I was thinking, "Yep, this sounds familiar." And of course, I have my own difficulties with communicating with these people, so that doesn't help.

About the meetings without you included: I hope you were given a choice. If not, it's a bad sign. An advocate did this to me last month; they had correspondence on my behalf without my permission. When they were asked to tell me the details, they became very defensive and refused. I refused to have anything to do with them again.



I suspect it's not possible to get her to back off unless it's through more blatant messages or actions. Even so, she doesn't seem to be worth keeping as "advocate." I know the negatives of abusive relationships aren't always enough to take action to let them go, but if possible, fire her, before more harm is done. She knows you need her and is using the power imbalance to her advantage (for some unknown, perhaps emotional, reason).

I hope you find a way of resolving this unpleasant situation soon. I know how easy it is to get stuck with such people.

Thank you - and in retrospect; I really don't need her. She positively works in slow motion and needs the obvious explained, yet when explained, she can take this as offensive - circular illogic.

About these new monthly meetings (her plan) - she did not ask me. In fact, I didn't even know about this plan until just before. Even those who attended didn't know what it was supposed to be about. That's a bad omen.


I always learn the hard way. She's nice but just not an analytical thinker and can be a total pain.

Um...I hope you all liked the 'Adieu' video (URL above post)! Just perfect for dumping any given professional, yes? And so eloquently said, sans explanation! And a tad cheesy

how do you be half mute??

Well, not 'half,' as in 0.5. I am diagnosed as 'functionally mute' or 'partially mute.' I can and do speak and my voice is normal (ironically, I'm even told I have a nice voice) but speech isn't congruent with my thought so it does feel foreign. I use a facilitated speech device so I may write for others. Many with ASD, regardless of level of functioning, can and do have verbal/speech aberrations. I'm high-functioning and therefore have the dual Dx of Asperger's. In the Haven there is a *sticky* titled NV talk, which I began and many have posted, if you are curious.

I have some prosody of speech which just means my cadence is off. I can sound as if pre-recorded (but I'm not). I often need to write what I am to say, when I do speak, before I can verbalize. I understand speech quite well, but first I just hear sound, then words, then meaning. In that order. Often times I'll hear 'echo back.' I have perfect hearing, btw. I didn't learn to speak until I was ~ 2-3 years old, then mostly just echolalia. I still can speak as if a child, which doesn't reflect who/what I am. Writing is just superior for me to communicate.

Oh, to clarify: The video I was referring to (ie: dump the advocate) is instead the 2nd post - it's from The Sound of Music. Hope you all like (here it is - the ultimate psych break-up song):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN2FJRlR ... re=related



My video is separate - like for those on WP.

Hi Lab Pet

I was thinking about you and was wondering whether you ever got a service dog (so I searched your posts) and see above you are still working on it.

I smiled when I read your criticism that she is becoming very domineering, having just read another Lab Pet post where you told someone to "Conform". Could it be that Lab Pet is domineering?

Don't take this the wrong way. I don't know what advice to give, but just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

Take care

haha! That's ok, BazzaMcKenzie - I almost hope I could be domineering...but I'm not.

If I wrote 'conform' I don't know the context (but you never know). I'm still trying, very hard, to get a Service Dog. Also, I just found the 1st promising lead! Within the last 2 weeks. And I don't need to be a mult-millionaire to get one. I wrote a nice intro letter - positive response back. Keep your paws crossed. Even if I did the process takes months. Technically I qualify the logistics are tough.

I've been working REALLY hard on my Valproic acid project - looks good for University. But I've been having 'serial meltdowns.' I'm trying really hard to get over it. I cried so hard yesterday, then again today, I was at incoherent. I hate that and never want to project that sort of image.

Lab Pet is the autistic chemist/neuroscientist.

Thank you for all your responses. Oh, I hope you all liked the video clip <sing along> from the very cheesy musical The Sound of Music. Dedicated to my 'advocate.' Seriously, I'd rather have a Service Dog. Far more reliable, yes? Or maybe just a Service Tarantula...contemplating.