awful day at school!

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I hate this day.
As always i went to school with depressed mood. I barely talk at school. I am like a robot and the only weirdo at the whole school(at least i haven't seen any more weird girls) .
When the first lesson was over then Russian Language lesson began. I have never been good with russian, i only know some words. It was teachers birthday, she gave us cookies and i was the onlyone who didn't want them, because i don't like eating in front others, especially strangers. She was alright with that.
I am not very active in lessons. I always draw something, because it calms me down a bit. I didn't feel like writing and learning so i kept drawing. But then she asked me that if i work with them or not. I didn't answer. Then she asked me to say a word in text. I didn't say that either. Then a girl in the class told me like "cmon say the word already!!" It took my mood a bit down. Then later the teacher told me that i am nasty. That i make things up. And i have some stupid complexes. ..now that made the day one of the worst. I was boiling inside. I felt anger, saddness, furstration, discust, and mostly sadness. She asked me more about some words, but this time i didn't answer on purpose. I felt hating her. She was so stupid old woman. How the heck was she allowed to tell me such things in front of others. - that i am nasty and full of stupid made-up comlexes. ..Then i couldn't take it inside anymore and i bursted crying. I was thinking how i hate myself and her. That i hate everything in the world. I HATE MYSELF! Why, why, why do i have to be such a ret*d. Then she saied that she should be crying instead. I didn't get that. I even couldnt stop crying. I was sobbing all the time.
Then everyone continued with the lesson and forgot me. they didn't care. Because i was a "nasty person with made-up complexes". When the lesson ended then i went home. And here i am now.
In anger i took my knife and stabbed my pillow. Inside the pillow was a comfy cotton. I touched it and it reminded me my missing cat - the "Yellow Cat". Dam i miss him. I love cats very mutch. And i really miss my friend "Yellow Cat".
I am very shamed and scared right now. I don't feel like going to school anymore. I HATE SCHOOL!!
It looks my life is running to the end. It is going to be very hard to survive this maddness.
I can't miss the school because my aunt(i live with her) will get mad at me and yell at me. And she would tell me that she will send me back to my old home(i hate my old home.. i feel like i would kill myself if i must go back there).
What should i do?.. everything is so messed up. I feel broken and deeply depressed. I only want to sleep, and i am going to for some hours. I am so tired..

(bad english, i know)

Last edited by skonamis on 23 Apr 2009, 9:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I had plenty of awful days like that when I was in school so I understand how you feel.

My first thought is this: She said something mean and nasty for absolutely no good reason. So... don't hate yourself for it. It's not your fault that she has a hard time being professional and nice to her students. She's probably not an evil person -- it sounds like she is simply ignorant. She doesn't seem to understand you or your situation and she doesn't seem to know how to handle an unhappy student. Those are HER failings, not yours.

Second, I can tell from your posts that you are very intelligent. PLEASE don't let someone else's faults lead you to have a low opinion of yourself.

Is there a school counsellor or someone else that you could talk to about this? Or, is there anyone else (adult or not) in your life that you trust and that would understand?

As someone who has been through terrible times in school, I can tell you that it doesn't last forever. However bad school may be, remember that the day will come when you will finish and won't have to go any more. Things will get better in the future.

Think before you act. If you really want to prevent these type of situations, I suggest you to analyze the actions more carefully and learn from the consequences. Fully comprehending the rules of engagement and learning from the responses will help you handle people and situations much better in future occurrences. It's fundamental to start asking yourself as many objective questions in order to develop excellent analytical skills.

Here are some example questions pertaining to your situation:

How did your teacher react to your apathy?

What type of reactions did you expect by defying participation?

Do you think that it's better for the teacher to give up on you?

If you were the teacher how would you have handled the situation?

Let's say that you did respond to her request, how do you think she would have reacted? Good? Bad?

Because of this incident, how will your teacher react to you next time?

Do you think it's fair how the teacher treated you?

Do you think it's fair how you treated the teacher?

How do you think the other students feel by your defiance?

How does the teacher feel by your defiance?

Have you disclosed to your teachers that you have aspergers?

Are you conditioning yourself to be a victim in every undesirable situation?

What can you do next time to prevent this from happening again?

What type of reaction do you expect if there is further defiance?

Are you so occupied with introspection that you react and behave automatically?

If you were to confront the teacher and express your feelings, would that remedy the situation?

What are the impacts of your behavior to others?

What can you do to prevent this from happening again?

Is your defiance in these situations have anything to do with needing attention or the lack of?

Do you pride yourself in being weird and the only one in your school? Again, does this have anything to do with attention or lack of?

Do you think the stabbing the pillow is a precursor for future defiance?

Could you have reacted better to this? How so?

Do you have any complexes? If so which ones? and are you ok with having these complexes?

Do you prematurely set yourself up for failure? Have you already conditioned yourself to this?


You get the point.

How did your teacher react to your apathy?
- She told me that she will put me a bad mark when the lesson ends. But i
really didn't care.

What type of reactions did you expect by defying participation?
- (sorry for my bad english)

Do you think that it's better for the teacher to give up on you?
- I think i am too messed up that i can never become a more normal person.

If you were the teacher how would you have handled the situation?
- I would have sent me to our school social worker.. she isn't this
ignorant. But i don't know what i might have done because i was scared. I would not want others at the whole school see my crying.

Let's say that you did respond to her request, how do you think she would have reacted? Good? Bad?
- She would be suprised that i talked.

Because of this incident, how will your teacher react to you next time?
- I can't know for sure, but she might treat me as she allways did. And she
would ignore the situation. Actually i don't wan't to go to that lesson
again. It kills me.

Do you think it's fair how the teacher treated you?
- I don't think it is fair how she treated me.

Do you think it's fair how you treated the teacher?
- I should have answered her, but my mood and thoughts were messed up.-and i
hate my man-like voice.

How do you think the other students feel by your defiance?
- Well.. i really don't know how to answer that. I am not them. But maybe
they are disturbed.

How does the teacher feel by your defiance?
- At the end of the lesson she wanted to know if tere was something going on with me that she
doesn't know, but now i feel anger towards her. I wish i didn't.

Have you disclosed to your teachers that you have aspergers?
- I haven't told nobody at school that i have aspergers. My psychiatrist didn't want me to tell them. She thinks that they might react wrong.

Are you conditioning yourself to be a victim in every undesirable situation?
- Actually i do think that i am a victim in those situations. Because i don't know how to be like others, the normal people. And i don't like myself for that.
And if i really don't have a mood to study then i don't. because i can't concentrate. And at that time i usually have thoughts about "death" and "the world" and "myself". That i don't wan't to exist.

What can you do next time to prevent this from happening again?
- I should push myself to answer. But i really have lost hope for a better life. And i think that they will throw me out of school, because i am such a bad student.

What type of reaction do you expect if there is further defiance?
- If i can't hold my sorrow than i will burst crying again. I am such a stupid weak person. And the teacher will stay as ignorant as she is(maybe).

Are you so occupied with introspection that you react and behave automatically?
- I am confused with this question. Maybe i should have learned english better at school. I can't understand what automatically means in detail.

If you were to confront the teacher and express your feelings, would that remedy the situation?
- I didn't want to talk at all in that situation. I only cryed. I am afraid to speak in front of others. And i don't like to speak with strangers.

What are the impacts of your behavior to others?
- I don't know. Maybe they were on the teachers side or maybe they didn't understand me at all. Or maybe.. who knows.

What can you do to prevent this from happening again?
- I must extremely force myself to be like others.

Is your defiance in these situations have anything to do with needing attention or the lack of?
- I really can't say. i just couldn't help it. I didn't want to cry but i did. Might be lack of attention..?

Do you pride yourself in being weird and the only one in your school? Again, does this have anything to do with attention or lack of?
- Does this mean that i act weird on purpose? I don't understand question wery well. (again, bad english) But i can't do things like others i AM a weirdo. Low self esteem, social axiety and aspergers.. who knows maybe there is even more wrong with me. Every day at school is a pain.

Do you think the stabbing the pillow is a precursor for future defiance?
- I felt anger and saddness. I had to express it. I used to cut myself, but i didn't want this time. I hit my face too. Or maybe i didn't get the question again.. does this mean that i might become a killer?

Could you have reacted better to this? How so?
- actually i don't know.

Do you have any complexes? If so which ones? and are you ok with having these complexes?
- I don't even know what complex means. Can it be depresson and low self-esteem?

Do you prematurely set yourself up for failure? Have you already conditioned yourself to this?
- I think i do. Everything i am going to do makes me feel a failure.

As a teacher, how would you feel if one of your student thought like this about your class?

If you put no effort into this class, then what she said was justified? If you already determined this outcome, then why are you so distressed from her response? Is it because she validates how you already feel about yourself?



What expectations did you have from your inability to participate?



You avoided the question. Do you think that it's better for the teacher to give up on you?

What is normal? If you asked every person this question, wouldn't they define normal in a subjective manner?

Do you have the need to constantly compare yourself to your idealization of normal based on one person's ( yours ) perception?

If everybody was normal on this planet, would life be interesting? Wouldn't everything be just mediocre?



So you as a teacher would have low tolerance and immediately remove the student without trying to help the student overcome their issues?

Is crying such a bad thing? Everybody cries, so why do you feel so embarrassed to do so? Do robots cry?



If she would be surprised, how do you think she would treat you from there on?

Wouldn't it be interesting to surprise people by doing things outside of your expected behavior?



So you expect the same thing to happen again and again? If you already know your actions will repeat this course of events, why do you let this happen to you?

Is your apathy determined by the teacher or the subject or you? If you had a better teacher, would that influence you to appreciate the class more?

If you stop going to this class, will your situation improve? You would quit a class because of one person, even though you have the ability to pass the class?



What is your opinion of fair treatment?



Are all/most of your excuses usually derived from anxiety, self-consciousness and low self-esteem?

Usually men's voices are known to be confident and strong, but your character seems to be the opposite. Do you agree/disagree with this statement?

Are you overly concerned with gender identity? If your voice was more feminine, do you really think that this will help you talk more?

Have you ever considered seeing a speech therapist? or even take singing lessons to enhance your voice?



Right, it's difficult to know how they really feel, so why do you expect the worst from them? If someone else was in the same situation as you, would you be disturbed? Is it ok to react based on assumptions?



If she didn't care, would she still ask you if there is something going on?

Do you feel more anger towards her or to yourself?



Wouldn't it make more sense to disclose your AS to just the teacher in order for you to prevent unnecessary confrontations and make her more understanding of your situation?

Doesn't it seem that they already react negatively? Is your psychologist concerned that they would treat you worse? or that it would create more anxiety for you?

Are you concerned with the stigma associated with AS? Your psychologist?



If you don't like being the victim then why are you attracted to that role? Do you think this is due to the lack of attention you mentioned?

Are you aware of existential philosophy?

If you were like everyone else, would you be able to like yourself more? Wouldn't the idea of being just like everyone else be scary? Your ok with that? Aren't robots just duplicates and have no distinguishable characteristic to make them unique?



Are you hoping that they will suspend you?

What is a better life for you? If you achieved that better life, would you be satisfied? or would you come to the realization that that life is mediocre because you've conditioned yourself to always see the faults in things? Could the problems stem from you rather then the environment?



Sorrow or scared? Aren't you scared at first then anger and then sadness? What are the steps?

When you put yourself down in front of others, do you expect sympathy? You need constant reminders to boost your ego? Do you purposely manipulate people into commiseration?



'Automatically' in this situation means that you let your emotions take control, preventing you to assess the situation properly and follow through with the intended actions. Because of this the default conditioned reaction happens without intervention. So this question is asking if you are so overwhelmed with introspection that it is difficult for you to be in control of your behavior?



You avoided answering the question. If you were to confront the teacher and express your feelings, would that improve the situation?

Speaking is a form of expression. Crying is another form of expression. One is by choice and the other by force. What are your thoughts on this?

Do you have any creative hobbies to express yourself more accurately than in social situations?



Do you feel neglected? If so, from whom?



Can't you just be yourself and learn to develop in your own way the skills necessary to communicate efficiently?

If you force yourself to be someone your not, wouldn't that create more anxiety and stress? Wouldn't this be more detrimental in the long term?

Do you disregard individuality?



Could the lack of attention be related to the need for confirmation of your existence?

People react differently for attention. Some in silence, some in anger and hostility and some even with happiness. Many people have the necessity for attention, so are you any different from them?



Not necessarily on purpose, but maybe unintentionally. People who feel neglected have the tendency to behave in their own unique ways to justify their own existence. Some people thrive on being weird in order to distance themselves from the norm. The fact that you assume that you are the only weird one at your school might imply that you see yourself as special. Do you want to be special?

Do you think that most students might have issues with low self-esteem, social anxiety or any other types of issues?

Are you using AS to justify your weirdness?



Do you think that stabbing the pillow only adds more fuel to the fire and conditions you to behave in the same manner in the future?

Was it necessary that you had to do something extreme in hopes that this would reveal something new about yourself? Or maybe an exercise to relieve pain and tension?

I'm not sure if this might make you into a killer or not. I don't know you, your perception, your reality and your environment. Do you think this will develop into killing something living? Do you want this to develop into something more serious?

Do you think that actions this serious is acceptable when you can never be sure how and why people behave the way they do?



Are you capable of reacting better in the future?



Complex - "a group of related, often repressed ideas and impulses that compel characteristic or habitual patterns of thought, feelings, and behavior. No longer in scientific use."

In your case, the teacher is probably implying that you have underlying issues that are not resolved practically, so you tend to overcompensate or hide with difficult behavior.

Do you have underlying issues? If so, do these issues impair your judgment?

List of Complexes ( Wikipedia )

Depression and low self-esteem are the consequences from the complexes.



What if you start doing things for the sake of doing instead of success/failure?

Do you have the need to be successful?

Do you set goals that are unattainable?

Are you overly afraid to make mistakes?



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I recommend reading this book called Black on White by Ruben David Gonsales Gallego.