I really want to die. I can't take it inside anymore.

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Hello.

Things with school are getting worse and i am getting more depressed. I have gone extremely lazy. I have never been that lazy in my whole life. Yesterday my teacher called my aunt and told her that i have been missing school a lot and if i wont fix my school problems then i will be thrown out of school.

I hate school. School is a depressing and stressful place. I can't consentrate on my work there. I have given up.
At first everyone was like "Wow, you are going to learn computers at school!! Isn't that amazing..huh?" - NO! It is not amazing! At school i am a complete alien. People don't like me. Even i don't like me.
i want to die.. because i am such a failure.

I won't get any great help from people who are trying to help me because they don't understand me. In Autumn i get 18yrs old and i haven't even got any good education for a job.
People expect me to go to work, because i look so lazy, but they don't see the main problem. They know that i have aspergers and personality disorders, but they still don't understand me. I never want to go to work! I'd rather kill myself. Working with other strange people is the scariest thing of all. After all i am sure that i could never do any good at work, because i hesitate a lot, like "what did they tell me to do? I don't get it. I don't know how. I probably will do things wrong. I am afraid to do this."

I have to live in anxious pain in everyday. In fear of the future. And what is even more disturbing is that i have lost any hope. Wasn't hope the last thing to die?
Here i am. Rotting and doing nothing.

And why my aunt has to be such an angry person? She is definently an extrovert. Her critisism and anger makes me want even more die.
If i fail school then i must go back to my old place where i lived and rot there. And there are my grandparents! They will probably kill me with their critisism.(my aunt is their daughter) They will definently throw me to my mothers place(she is poor), but we would barely get along with food.
The most stupid part of my life is that if they will(probably they will!) throw me back to may old life(grandparents, no school, being a loser, rotting as always), than i can only think of suicide because i won't know what to do next. i would be a burden to my relatives.

Well, there is a chance to keep living here. My cousin saied that maybe his parents would take me with them.(he is 14, we are great friends and his mother is my aunts sister). BUT i don't want to be a burden and a rotting apple in the house corner. Besides, i don't think they would take me there. I would feel guilty all the time.
As i can see my life runs always in negative ways. I can never be happy, because i am always scared of future and life and other people. My stupid life probably runs towards suicide.

I am so trapped in my mind that i don't know if i will last. I'd like to die.. because i have shameful, anxious and guilty feelings.
Even my history teacher was wondering that how can a female person be such a weirdo and loser.

Thats it now. I will axiously wait until my aunt comes back from work and then she will kill me with her words. I really don't know what to do. Maybe people shouldnt even be helping me because i have no hope left and i don't even have the energy to help myself.
I am doomed..

But thanks to you if you had time to read this nonsence.

I know what you're going through, and it's hell. All I can tell you is, you probably need meds for your depression. It was the only thing that helped me when I got to that point. I know you're probably scared to death of getting help or taking pills, but it's the only thing you can do. They really can help. Just remember: they'll never close any doors, just potentially open new ones.

I am taking medication for depression. I have taken Effexor 75mg for almost 1 year. At first it seemed to help, but it doesn't anymore. I have to visit my psychiatrist on thursday, but i don't know what to tell her. Sometimes i think she doesn't understand me. She asks questions and i answer, nothing more. I don't have the guts to tell her anything myself. And thats why they can't help me! because i can't open my mouth and make a sound of voice. Seem like i am scared of everybody

There is a price to pay for being a unique individual, and you are paying it. I am proud of you for continuing to fight.

if you can't say what you're feeling or thinking, show them this post, write it out. i am a neurotypical parent. i come here to try to understand what is going through my as son's head because he can't tell me himself. i would be devastated if he felt like this and couldn't tell me. this is no excuse to be critical or mean but maybe your aunt is being tough on you because she thinks you can do better. maybe your family and teachers thinks so highly of you because you are so smart that they expect more from you. i know it's hard, and i know they don't understand you but please please please give them a chance. just like you don't understand how to be social, they don't understand how you feel inside. the key is COMMUNICATION. if you can't say it, write her a letter. nothing will be fixed unless you reach out for help. you can't do this yourself...

I took 10 pills and it made me sleep for six 8 hours. I am still little sleepy but i feel better now because i feel more calm and my aunt came to talk to me in a normal way, not shouting or smthing. She talked about school. That i can still save my situation if i go to teachers and talk to them. We will see what is going to happen, but i am still scared of teachers. I definently would look like a ret*d if i speaked to them, because i would not know how to speak to them.
If there could only be a button to switch off all these messy feelings. And ofcourse i want things to get better. I hope it will get better..

If i go to my psychiatrist then i will try to tell her that my medication doesn't seem to work.
I think i would be too embarassed to show them this post. BUT i will try to be better than this. I hope it will work, even if i am messed up inside. I must get my powers somewhere. If i go to teachers then i must think that if i wont go then my life will be even worse than this.

It looks impossible, but i'll try.
And thanks for your support and advice people.

Hey, i am 27yo female from Greece. I don't know if i have as and im really too scared to find out. Because i feel so tired anymore to seek for the answer that will make me understand why do i have to go through all these situations.What u said, your life that u described it touched me really deep because i felt exactly like u when it all began. I always thought that something which i can only picture and feel like an outburst when i was 15-16, always thought it was a matter of teenager hormones, depression, genes, a predisposition for madness and sadness completely uncontrollable. Searching for as it came to me that it didn't happen like that, but it was adhd that left me and AS came on top again. Aspergers with serius depression and bpd. What i want to tell you is that (although i don't want to tell you how my life now is) all these feelings of doom that u have will probably fade not completely go, but fade, or never go.You feel shocked again and again every single day and only drugs can't cover for a while the pain. Its not the AS its depression that comes with u being special. It's a matter of power if u will stay alive and struggle or say that u can't take it anymore. Only you will know if u can continue or not. I have made some progress over the years but i am still not OK. I haven't found the way not to be trapped into myself even if i'm NT or not. Depression comes and goes, the key is to accept ur self, if u manage finally to do it. Just want to tell u, keep speaking in here, even if u feel extremely awful inside. This will keep u alive. Listen and share if u can (sorry for my English)

Your post struck a chord with me too. I've just come out of a very bleak spell myself and your words sound very familiar.

All I can say is keep going, hang on in there: it does end after a while

I find that dwelling on depression tends to feed it. If you find yourself constantly going in mental circles, trying to work out what's wrong, and not coming to any answer, you waste a tonne of energy in the process, which makes you too drained to do anything else, thus you feel 'lazy'.

I'm glad your aunt is trying to help: definitely, meeting with your teachers is a good idea. If you can get even slightly back on track with your course, a lot of what you're worrying about will be solved (being thought 'lazy', not getting a job' etc..)

After your course, yes, you may have to find a job, but if you work with computers, the amount of socialisation won't be that high. Also, even if it takes you a while to get to grips with things, once you'e learnt the basics, you'll be fine

I agree with the above posters, it would be a good idea to show your post to your psychiatrist.

Hi skonamis, I do hope you feel better. The above posters have given you great advice. I too feel like you should let your psychiatrist see your posts. There is nothing in it to be ashamed of. When I went to my therapist I took along over ten pages of notes. I just handed them to him. I knew I wouldn't be able to ramble through it verbally and have it make sense. He really appreciated that approach of the written message. So take along your posts.

I am curious about something. What are your interests?

Please continue to talk to us here at the WrongPlanet. We want to help.

Life can be so tough. I'm sorry.

Lene is absolutely correct that depression can feed off itself. Here's the problem: your emotions affect your brain chemicals, and your brain chemicals also can affect your emotions. Depression can thus easily feed off itself. At times, it can create a runaway condition that only medication can interrupt, even if the original cause has long since been removed. It can get to a point that's beyond the body's natural ability to correct itself. The longer it's left in this condition, though, the worse your body's ability to regulate itself becomes, so it's better to get it taken care of sooner rather than later.

It pains me deeply to see you hurting like this, because I know what it's like. You've just got to get it taken care of. You're already on meds, so the hardest part is over. You just need to ask your doctor to increase your dosage. For me, 75mg barely had any effect, so we fairly quickly increased it. Don't be afraid to ask that he adjust your dosage if it's not quite doing it.

I went to school today and the first lesson was geography. I heard from others that there is going to be a test in geography. I hadn't learned at all, but for my suprise the test went well. I didn't get a negative mark. So far everything at school seemed to be well.

But after geography there was history lesson and that didn't went good at all. It ruined my day and gave me more negative thoughts and impossible sights of future. The history teacher is so rough, accurate and cross. I am completely scared of her. At the beginning of the lesson she asked all students go to her and then she gave us work. When it was my turn then she asked what i wanted and i told her that i want to do a work(a work that i havent done). All the time i was very scared and anxious of what she might say to me. I had to look for my work and when i got it then i went back to my desk. I didn't know what to say to her when she was talking to me. To others it is so easy like "oh yeah, uhuh, i had this and this, ok, blabla.." I was like a stone and then she started talking about weird children. She couldn't belive why a weirdo like me was in their school at all. For her i can't think logical and i have a bad memory. And ofcourse i barely talk -(thats what she thinks about me). Some in the class were laughing and one of them saied something about other school where some weirdos have been.

All the time i couldn't think clear at all. I had messed thoughts and i was shaking a bit. All that lesson i was sitting and holding my eyes on my work, but i didn't do nothing at all, because i couldnt. In the end of the first lesson she told me to take my other work. "do it faster i don't have the whole time!" she sayed. So i took my other work. In this work i had to learn at least 20 or less lines by hearth and i definently couldn't. All that time i was hoping in fear that she won't notice me until the lesson ends.

But near the end of the second history lesson she asked me if i had learned the lines. I noded negatively. Then she kept critically talking to me. I just hoped that she won't shout at me. Some boy in the class told her to speak more calm, but then everything went weird. My history teacher began to talk in a very strange voice. It was a pitiful voice. It sounded very fake. It was disturbing me and i didn't respond at all. I kept hearing and my look stoned in my paper. I had a anger and a fit of crying waiting inside me. But for my luck i didn't start crying. I was silent and heared other complaints, that they didn't want her to keep talking like that. Finally the lesson was going to end and other students went to her. Some went out. I put my stuff together and went on a way home.

And she only likes children that are good at socializing and well behaving. I think she might be too uptight with her work and she really isn't that bad person she only says stright out what she thinks.

By the way my history teacher expects me to fail, because i have the poorest grades in my class. I am going to have another history lesson tomorrow and i don't know what to do.
I really don't think i will finish this school

It seems that this history teacher is a bully: even the other kids have felt she crossed the line. At least they seem to be on your side.

I think you would be within your rights to report her or ask to be moved to a different class.