Due to my situation living in my apartment lately, I have been traumatised for months. I can safely say that goes as far as PTSD. It has got worse and I have been at the point of crisis lately, as a result I have only just started to talk to people lately about the situation I'm going to post about.
It has been a threatening, intimidating environment living here due to neighbours and friends of neighbours loitering in the stairwell at any time, causing a lot of disturbances, sometimes drinking or drug taking, and very often committing acts of vandalism, all as it happens right outside my apartment. This has been getting worse over the past two weekends which have been more threatening. Last Sunday a group of youths was circling around outside my apartment with one having a baseball bat, and committing vandalism right on my doorstep. The police were called, were there for an awful long time, but despite months of contact with the council and police things have not got much better and certainly, I feel distressed especially after last Sunday.
My apartment is just about to go up for sale, as I have not been coping with living here. There has been a pattern of troubling situations at homes I have lived in, partly because of which I have had a lot of moves. I have repeatedly had dysfunctional neighbours, repeatedly had threatening or harassing situations with neighbours, and have repeatedly been in properties that turned out to be hang-out places for friends of neighbours loitering around.
This raises the question of finally finding somewhere I might be more secure and comfortable, certainly required right now in my current state, and after repeatedly being unsettled and traumatised at places I have lived in. Probably I have ended up in such places due to affordability, at least as far as the owner-occupier market goes. As a homeowner I have been in ex-council flats or otherwise just the cheapest flats, and the type of neighbours has probably been a consequence of this.
Now that the decision to move is made, what I'm really struggling with is this: I know that not only can I rent places I can't afford to buy, but there would be a far greater quantity of properties available to rent within my range, as opposed to buying. I am considering either option but this does mean if I'm to live in a place where I might be safer, it's more likely to mean renting rather than buying. And home ownership is something I have been hounded into, primarily by my parents, but there has also been a lot of pressure from other people such as the more sanctimonious, pious people at church.
My parents have been on my back about home ownership all my adult life, and indeed have actually ordered me to own a home. As soon as I bought my first flat they pressured me into making a will leaving my property to them. From feedback I've had from people this is an unusual situation - does this perhaps suggest I wouldn't outlive my parents if I'm leaving them property, when normally it's the other way round and people leave to descendants? This type of pressure is almost as distressing as my living situations, as it has pushed me into those situations in the first place due to affordability constraints when buying.
I have had to make a decision lately that I MUST live in an independent way that's comfortable and suitable for me. It does leave me struggling with a dilemma, and with a sense of guilt. The dilemma is if I buy, I continue to only be able to buy at the very bottom of the ladder with the sort of problems I've described and likely to continue the pattern of much distress and trauma. If I rent, which finding a safer home might mean doing, I am more than likely to come under pressure, perhaps harassment, to own again. People like to scaremonger me a lot about the question of owning versus renting. For example, with stories of pensioner poverty and how you want to have a home that's paid off rather than have the cost of renting while receiving a pension. This is something I've worked out for myself, and it IS a concern (owning is in the plan in the future, but purely in my own time, as I start a postgraduate degree after the summer hopefully leading to better paid work and buying a home that's further up the ladder. That's the plan) even though retirement age for me is 33 years away and so much can and will change in that time.
I don't know how I'm ever supposed to settle anywhere because of that. It will be difficult for me to commit to owning a home because I have so much trouble and it is difficult for me to settle in one place for long in the first place because of it - and because, to be honest, I have lost confidence in my ability to be settled anywhere. I think, surely, it's a case of not being forced to run before I can walk.
My parents would certainly be on my back, but there's also been pressure from church which I know I must resist. When I bought my current property there was a big circus about it. People were absolutely hysterical and were all over me with overly enthused attention which was almost patronising. There is a fascination with me (in particular) and home ownership that I cannot understand. People are absolutely obsessed with owning in general. But look how this home has turned out. It seems a lot of people think that no matter what happens to me in houses, as long as I own a home, that's all that seems to matter.
I have got to the point where I have had to assert independence from such pressure and do what's comfortable for me, under any circumstances. But I am struggling with a dilemma because of all of the above. Anyone else experienced anything similar and what have people done about it?
09 May 2009, 7:54 pm
