SELFISH ASPIE MOTHER, my experiences with her

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My first Asperger friend was 36 year old mother. I have severe Aspergers also. She is very high functioning compared to me. She has many kids, a successful and attractive husband. She is about the closest to normal/neurotypical for an Aspie, I think.

I've rarely encountered a person so profoundly, profoundly, profoundly selfish. To the core. Even her attempts to do something for others, or show interest and concern toward others, appear greatly selfish. Like she's doing it to give the appearance she cares. Like she's acting, for a strategy. And she's a bad actor.

Over about a year, I helped her with an incredible amount of things. Example, a total of about 20 rides for her kids to various places, some 20-30 minutes away, rides for her when she had car trouble, trips to a place 2.5hrs away to help her with hours of drudgery landscaping work. All at no cost. Often I used my own car, at no cost.

I was very happy to help her, as her friend.

In that year, well after I helped her with the above things, I needed (1) a ride to and from the airport, and (2) I had surgery on my leg and was on crutches for 5 weeks and wasn't supposed to put any weight on my leg...I asked for one, yes one, ride to and from the grocery store.

I was shocked, and sickened, by her response to my very polite requests for help. For the airport, she at first was like "Oh yea no problem! Just let me know!" and sounded way overboard, like she was forcing herself to be interested. Then the time came, and she fizzled out with excuses, and said she could instead pick me up when I returned. I spoke with her before I returned, and she never said a thing.

When on crutches, she never offered any help. I was very clear I needed help, and told her about my need to get groceries. She skirted around the issue, and finally said she could give me a ride in a few days. I called and she seemed to totally forget.

I asked her way too many times for help. Once is enough. I also did more than once, and I gave her the hint more than once in addition to this. A minimally generous person would get the message. I'm not going to ask her 4-8 times for a ride. This makes me feel horrible, like I'm begging, and like I'm not worth much to her.

When she needed rides, her asking once was MORE than enough. I was there, on top of it. And often, I offered rides because I got the underlying message of a need. And she took me up on it.

When someone had surgery and is in recovery and can only walk on one leg, what could be more clear? And, I also ASKED her directly for rides. All of this is more than enough.

I guess I'm not valuable enough to her. Yet, she can accept 20+ rides from me and countless hours of my time and effort.

Worse, she is a religious Christian and is a leader in her church.

Last edited by Selfish_Mother on 13 May 2009, 6:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can't help but wonder if, while she's high functioning, her ability to be helpful/generous/caring is at a impaired level.

I remember when the mother's reckless dog back ended a woman jogging through the park on the sidewalk, knocking her over on the concrete and hitting her head. People came over to help and ask her if she was alright. She was crying intensely and holding her head. The mother had this eerie distant look in her eyes, like she had no idea what happened. Like she had 0% concern. 0%. I just couldn't believe it. Her dog was the cause, it was a public park, and her dog is totally reckless and should never be off a leash.

I went on some walks with she and her dog, and even on the leash it will bark horribly at people and look scary to them. She seems to not care and even chuckles. Several people have gotten very scared and had to move away off the sidewalk. Often the mother will just let the dog bark and growl it's head off until the people move on. I'm waiting for a guy some day to kick that dog and yell at her, or call Animal Control on her. Harassing and aggressive dogs like this, in this state, if receiving complaints, are required to be muzzled whenever in public.

Unfortunately, many aspies are incredibly selfish. My mother was one of them. My aunt called my mother, "The most selfish person she has ever known."

Not all aspies are like this, but my mother had a deep degree of self-absorption and non-empathy.

I'm sorry that your friend treated you like this. Not all aspies are like this, as I'm usually like you, the one doing all of the favors, and getting nothing in return. I can't help but wonder if this kind of selfishness has more to do with a persons personality, and temperament rather than neurological wiring, since I've had several NTs do this sort of thing to me.

Anyway, I hope that you find friends in the future that are as generous as you are.

Remember...
don't take Aspies too personally...
don't take NT's too personally...
don't take life too personally...

it's not a reflection of your worth, but her lack.

Seems like she's not as high functioning as she appears.

Just note the signs of extreme inability to reciprocate kindness so you don't get used again and move on...
lots and lots of good folks out there, don't forget.

You expected her to read your mind? This is something that regular people do too but I didn't know severe aspies can be the same way as them. I always thought aspies tend to think we don't expect people to know what we want or need if we never tell them because how can they know if we never tell them? I have heard hoe some of us expect people to know what we are thinking but it seems like regular people are that way too because they sure expect people to know how they are feeling and what they want and stuff just by "read my body language stupid." (I bet that's what they think about us when we don't read theirs) So I don't agree aspies expecting people to know their thoughts is an aspie thing.


About your mother trying to be generous by saying "No problem" and "just let me know" sounded like to me she was just trying to be nice and flexible and holding back her selfishness and rudeness. I get the same way. I feel like a jerk when i freak out over something unexpected when my bf needs me to take him somewhere at the spur of the moment. I just panic inside and feel stressed out. Luckily my bf understands so I don't feel so much of a jerk and as*hole for having an attitude and being upset. We solved that problem just by having him tell me ahead of time like when he needs to go grocery shopping and I also ask him when are we going again just so I know and he leaves it up to me for when I want to go. Because we need food in the apartment, I decide when I should take him but I don't not take him ever. That be truely selfish of me and carrying all that food on the bus be very hard. Just try to let your mother know ahead of time when you need a ride from her like if you have a doctor appointment or need to go shopping, just tell her ahead of time instead of at the spur of the moment so she be expecting it and not maybe panic inside and have to hold back her rudeness and have to force herself to still be polite. That help both of you out a lot I bet. But of course there might come times when you would need a ride from her at the spur of the moment like if a emergency came up and you never planned it.

About the dog barking thing, it is possible she doesn't understand why people be afraid of her dog if it's on a leash and no way her dog can hurt them so why would they still be scared? I would be confused too if I had a dog and people were afraid of it even though I have it on a leash and no way it can hurt them if it's leashed so I would probably laugh at them also for their weirdnessbecause they are being so dramatic. It's also possible she lacks emotion so she was unable to feel a thing when she saw the incident so all she does is stare. It's possible she maybe didn't know what to do.

But she does also sound like an ass for this:

and



Unfortunately some aspies are also as*holes just like some regular people are. There are lot of as*holes in the world, even on the internet.



I guess I'm not very generous since I hardly offer help. I expect people to ask for them because I think if people need help, wouldn't they ask for it? Why would they expect help from people and expect them to know they need it if they don't ever ask for it? Those who expect people to read their minds I think they are needy and stupid for their behavior.

That sounds more like a sociopath than an aspie.

Actually kind of sounds like my mother... who said, and I quote... "Friends are for using"... an undiagnosed Aspie if ever there was one. Gone so totally shut down and shut off she could tell me there was absolutely nothing she liked about me to my face...

A charming individual {sarcasm}, but now I feel sorry for her...
I think, like the rest of us, she was very lonely and isolated, but without knowing why.

It's true. My mum calls me selfish all the time. I know I can be very selfish, although I try not to be. Often I find I just don't have the energy to reciprocate what others do for me equally. Because of this, as soon as I am able I want to live alone so I can minimize my negative impact on others (and maximize positive impact - as I can choose to go out and interact at times when I have enough energy to be selfless).

Take heart in the fact that you are a good person, and not a selfish one.

she's a b***h, don't be her friend or do her any favors. she can be selfish with her family all she wants but do not let her use you. dont do anyone any favors unless they can reciprocate. when you do people favors, they will take you for granted. she is well aware of what she is doing, don't let her get away with it. you already establish the fact that she is selfish, you already know she can not be counted on, the question is if you told her to her face would she change? the answer is most likely NOT. this is probably the way she is and you are not going to change her. now you have to ask yourself, are you willing to give so much to a "friend" and not get anything in return? i don't think you should. there are a lot of people out there that would appreciate your friendship and the things you do for your friends and also return the favor. this isn't just an aspie problem, it happens all the time in a nt's life. one person gives, gives and gives and the other person doesn't do anything but take, take and take. it's up to the person that gives to stand up for themselves and accept whether or not they can deal with the BS or not. re-evaluate your friendship and weigh the pros and cons. besides the negative part of her friendship, what are the positives? does it outweigh the negatives?