I wish there was some way I could numb the pain.

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I wish there was some way I could numb the pain.

On Monday we had an assessment in Drama on Improvisation, and I blew it. I walked in to the room, stuttered a few words, stood still looking at the ground and then bolted back out the door.

I like to know what is happening, what I am doing. I like to know what is happening in advanced. I like to have the room brightly lit so I can see everything. I like to go un-noticed. I like the chance to think about what I say before I say it.

I don’t want to have to face the people in my class now that I have given them yet another weapon to use against me. My whole existence is just a joke to these people, since I don’t act and feel and think in the same way they do.

The school says that its goals are ‘To provide a calm, caring and safe environment to foster student learning and growth’ And ‘To promote in each student a growth in self esteem and the development of a sense of respect for other and for the environment.’ Lies. Thanks to what has happened in this school, I’ve got no self-esteem left, and ended up having a nervous breakdown last year after the constant bullying. It has left me depressed and the only way I can get through the day is by taking medication constantly.

Everyone thinks that my beliefs are a joke too. Despite the fact that our schools contains pretty much every religion you can think of, my beliefs are the only one that people consider okay to ridicule. People I once thought were friends turned their backs of me because of what I believed, and people are never willing to properly understand that it is my right to be Wiccan.
‘To accept the rights of others through justice, fairness and freedom of speech.’ Lies. To accept the points of view of others and their differences while showing self respect through manners and appropriate behavior.’ More lies. ‘To welcome, accept, support and celebrate difference in others.’ Lying again.

School has destroyed me. Once upon a time, before I met cruel teachers and students I was a friendly, out-going child. Now I am a teen deep in depression who values her cats over her humans ‘friends’.

Maybe I’m just a fool, wallowing in self pity. Why do these dark thoughts always come at night, when I am at my weakest? Because I know that when tomorrow dawns, all these thoughts will just been bad memories that I will block out again.

I wish there was some way I could numb the pain.

Don't worry, I'm sure you weren't the only one who felt they messed up the drama recital. If anyone noticed, they were probably just relieved it wasn't them.

Sorry to hear things aren't going well at school. Luckily, as people grow up, the pack mentality dampens down a bit and people will become more accepting.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties in school. School for me was tough to say the least. One thing I can say is that, people don't pay as much attention to an embarrassing event as you may think. Sure people may notice what happened, but usually the next day something else has grabbed their attention. I know it's difficult to realise this, but none the less it is true.

Forget about the people in your school. Go to school for one reason, and one reason alone: to learn. Focus on your studies and strive for excellence in your work. What certain people say or do, in time will be forgotten but your marks in school will always remain. Picture yourself in Uni one day fulfilling your dreams of becoming something. It won't be possible if you're distracted by, annoying yes, but otherwise unimportant people. Good luck...