Should I?

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I want to die.


The only people I have are you people here on WP. I don't even have my boyfriend. I bet he's sick of all my complaints about feeling like s**t all the time. I know so much better than this. I know that he's a wonderful person, and that we'll get back together and raise our son together, and that even if we didn't I would still have my son, and even if I wasn't allowed to see him, I would still be able to when he turned 18, and even if he didn't want to see me, I would still have him, and I could still live my life happy knowing that he was happy without me. But something is taking me over. It has been for about 2 weeks. This dark, scary, boring, angering, sad, embarrassing nothingness ids taking me over. Telling me that my boyfriend thinks I'm stuid, ignorant, lazy, crazy, irresponsible, incapable, incompetent, immature, selfish, boring, narrow-minded, psychotic, depressing, illogical, unsensible, impractical, cowardly, wimpy, foolish, friendless and unwanted, and irrational, that my parents didn't raise me properly, and that I will never change. He's the hero and i'm the nutball. He's the responsible father and I'm the sad excuse for a mother that can never get her s**t together.


The social worker at the hospital wants me to go swimming and bowling and do arts and crafts and go here and there and everywhere, every day. I don't want to. I have no interest in meeting NTs and doing stuff with them that will leave me feeling empty inside.


I want to take a deadly dose of heroin, which is suosed to be a peaceful death, but I don't know the first thing about how to get some, or how to go about finding someone to sell my ass to to be able to afford it. It's probably easy, but I'm so ignorant I don't even know how to do that.


I have about a month's worth of loxapine, a month's worth of ziprasidone, two aripiprazole tablets, a week's worth of fluoxetine, a month's worth of promethazine, a week's worth of olanzapine, about 5 days' worth of haloperidol, 4 days' worth of rispiridone, and about a 2 month supply of benztropine, but I don't know if that's enough to do it, and I might throw it all up anyway, and if I didn't it would probably be a painful experience. Should I use them? If for nothing else, to make Dr. Quack sorry he refuses to do anything about my depression. Now about Dr Quack...


I saw my psychiatrist today. He's a quack. When my boyfriend called the cops on me after I posted here on WP that I wanted to (but didn't plan to) shoot up schools, the cops took me to the sych ward of the general hospital and the quack put me on loxapine because he didn't know what the flying f**k was the matter with me, but decided that since everybody else in the psych ward was on loxapine, it might help me too. I have 7 mental diagnoses: Asperger's ?Syndrome, depression with psychotic features, bipolar type 1, Social Anxiety Disorder, just plain anxiety, schizoaffective disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder as an Axis II diagnosis. I have seen over 15 shrinks. I've been hospitalized 4 times for mental s**t, and have taken 2 antidepressants, 7 antipsychotics and a downer. So anyway, the quack gives me 10mg of loxapine, then 15, then 20, then when I said it made me apathetic he just gave me 10 again, but he still wants me to take them and he sternly told me to go back on them after stopping them for 2 weeks because I didn't need them any more (I won't get black holes anymore) and because they made me apathetic. Last time, when I was still on the loxapine, he said he would do something about my depression if I was still depressed in a month, in case you're wondering, and I had to oen my big fat mouth and say "Really? I'm surprised; I didn't think you would give me an antidepressant, because all the school shooters were on them." "That's a good point," he said, but he still said he would see if I was still depressed in a month's time, even though I wasn't really depressed then; I could make myself feel better. Two weeks later, after my boyfriend said he would have called the cops on me anyway, even though he didn't need to for his court case to get sole custody of our son because he had a lot of other good "evidence" to put in his petition, I was really depressed. I had a breakdown in the office of the pastor at the church, I had a breakdown in front of a nurse-practitioner who was examining me for physical problems, I had a breakdown at home and I had a breakdown somewhere else too. And I'm still wondering if me opening my big fat mouth that day and telling my shrink that the school shooters were on antidepressants influenced his decision to not give me anything, even though it was probably just that he thought my depressive issues were psychotic issues that would go away if I started back on the loxashit. And I want to tell that caseworker to take her "You need to get a life and go out and do things" s**t and shove it up her ass. And I'm disappointed that she cancelled me starting this day program for me, where I was supposed to go full time to classes about different mental health things like self-esteem and relationships and feelings and sensory awareness, because she thought I would depress everyone there, even though she thinks I should still go out every day and do those other things. And I feel like an idiot for asking Dr. Quack for an antidepressant and basically having him say "Over my dead body."


I have to constantly be reminded that I can get disability from the government and have my own place and my own food and not be dependent on my father, while I'm trying to get a place to live and a lawyer down in Texas so that I can live near my son and defend myself in court against my boyfriend. I can just never remember anything good. It's such hard work to remember good things. I need to constantly be reminded of them. It's like the Dementors are sucking every good thought and happy memory from me.


I don't enjoy anything. Nothing brings me pleasure but being left alone to sleep. And I'm even miserable doing that. My parents are getting impatient with me just eating their food and doing nothing with my life. My boyfriend doesn't want me back. And he'll tell my son all these horrible exaggerations about me to turn him against me.


My mother told me I couldn't sleep all the time, and I told her to kick me out if she doesn't like it. She said that maybe she would, that it was getting to that point. If I was kicked out, I would have to do this charity scam thing I did before to support myself, because I have major issues concentrating on a job where someone else is my boss, another problem Dr. Quack refuses to help me with. And if I go to jail, that's it for me having partial custody of my son. So I might as well just die.

No, you shouldn't.

Trying to OD usually fails and you might even mess yourself up more. I've seen some scary stuff like that when I worked at our local hospital here, OHSU. What if you fail and damage yourself to where you can't move most or all of your body? You've got your physical health, your youth, and your mobility. There's plenty of time to fix anything you've done wrong. And besides, your kid needs you in his life; especially if the ex isn't a good guy. You've got to be strong for him.

Your WP family cares about you a lot. There's nothing wrong with having just us as your friends. These are good people here.

I wish we could all get together whenever we feel like it.

I want to go to Autreat, but I'm not sure that I can pay for it. It's about a five-hour drive from me. The distance is the least of my problems. How far is it from you? Autreat 2009: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt96566.html

Like the rest of us, Ana54 needs to be around supportive people. Are you near a city where you might find an Aspie support group? Is there any chance of you visiting New Jersey any time soon?

As for the basic question, no, I don't think you should. I have a lot of thoughts, but it's hard to put them together at 2:30 am. There's so much you haven't tried. What are you doing for yourself lately? Do you work or volunteer? What would you do if you had a choice?

I don't really know what advice to give, but am sending you a hug via the tubes.

Perhaps you can seek out people who treat you well, a living situation that is safe and makes you feel good about yourself. Be strict in how other people get to treat you, put your own well being first.

That's horrible; those people tried to kill themselves and then wound up even more miserable than they were before because of new physical problems and nobody let them try again to kill themselves. That's f*****g sick; forcing someone to live with horrible physical problems when they got those problems in the first place because they wanted to die.

I do not want you to die. I hope you feel better, Ana.

While death is tempting in that its the ultimate "release" from physical burdens at the same time its a great unknown and its an absolute end. Suicide isn't the answer despite how tempting it can be for me as well. Mainly because you are gambling that suicide will relieve your pain. But its a one shot deal and theres no rebound for if you mess up. It only causes more sorrow and despair, like the others have said here. Who knows, you might end up a wandering ghost stuck on the physical plain for all I know.

But anyways don't do it.

Ana54. you are such a part of this place that I am accustomed to seeing you here. I do not know you in real life but you seem like someone I would like. Please consider that while you do not know me or some of the other people here, you would hurt us all in doing something so drastic. You have a child, if I read your post right, you are young and you have a long life yet to live. Live it, please. I consider suicide too often as well, but in the end I just hold out hope that some day life will be better.

(((((((((((Ana))))))))))), I hope you decide to live. I always enjoyed reading your posts, they are like a blow-by-blow account of your life and so emotionally honest. I feel you will get through this... there are times that life that can be quite unbearable but there can be a light at the end of the tunnel....

How are you feeling today Ana? Please stay with us!! When you're alive things can change, bad times pass, eventually, although I know sometimes it feels like they never do, but just hanging in there is enough for now. Don't worry about the future, take it one day at a time, and keep posting if it helps. You'll get through this, I know you will. Big hug!

You've just gotten completely boxed in, haven't you?
Feel free to pm me, people often tell me I'm better than a therapist. And after the things I've seen and haerd, nothing at all shocks me anymore.
Just offering, I could try to help you, or just listen if that's what you need. Up to you.

Okay, the deression is subsided now... except when something triggers it, and then I become VERY depressed, or hysterically anxious. Half of my anxiety is due to a shoplifting problem I now have. In the last 3 days I stole 3 pairs of pants, a pair of shorts, a dress, a bathing suit skirt thing, and 14 shirts. The hunter-gatherer lifestyle is making me less depressed, but I'm having dreams about getting caught. Whenever I think about "Stan" deciding that he wants to break up with me, or me never being able to see my son or have a say in how he's raised, or getting banned from WP and losing all my friends here (even though I logically know that won't happen, as I'd still be able to contact them)-- I noticed that I got a "final warning" message from Quatermass (I didn't read it-- too scared!) and that one of my threads that some people might find offensive disappeared-- I start sweating like a pig, I start gasping for air, I sometimes have this intestinal sensation like I'm going to s**t bricks. I also get like this when I think about getting caught stealing something, so I need to stop. My Dole check is going to come soon anyway. But with no Stan and no Lars and no WP I'm afraid I'm going to keep stealing things to cheer myself up.

For someone like you, smarter than just about anyone, has the potential to do whatever she desires, suicide wouldn't be wise, when your son gets older and he'll be easier to raise he'll give you more than enough reasons to live.

Though let me put my input, 4 days or risperidone isn't even going to make you dizzy, I took 150 and I didn't die.

Suicide would be a bad decision and it would be a shame for our community to lose someone as valuable as you.

Thanks, 886. What a delightful surprise! I've gotta confess, when I saw that you were the last person to post in my thread, I thought, "Uh-oh." I thought you were going to lay into me for shoplifting, because you told gina-ghettoprincess off for not going to school, and you talked about the teachers giving you no work and how that led to your suicide attempt, and I thought you were a self-righteous person like that... and it's also new to me, having someone telling me that I'd actually be valuable to society, because so far people have thought I was too stupid, crazy, ignorant, bad or disabled to be any good to society. Just because I refused to be a slave and do things their slow, boring, unstimulating way, taking classes that were slow, boring and unstimulating or doing jobs that were also like that. Consequently, I hated society, and used and abused society (stole from it) every chance I got, because after the way they treated me, I felt they owed me serious compensation. And Lars was never a hard kid to raise. The hardest was right after he was born, and once I was on the right drugs, I enjoyed getting up every two hours to feed and change him and walk around with him!

You want friends? I'll be your friend! I found it interesting when you talked about what your school was like, how you brought a blanket and pillow to class and slept on a table, how a teacher gave you about $500 for no reason.


I sort of understand about the school thing. You badly wanted an education and never received one in school, and here was this girl who was getting an education in school but she didn't want to go. Though she did read a lot, and would probably have learnt a lot more if her parents registered to homeschool her and then just let her read on her own.