I'm not making excuses!

Post Reply New Topic

ARGH!

Look I know Asperger's is more of a "difference" more than a "condition" but dammit why can't my family take my social anxiety issues seriously?! I'm tired of people telling me I'm not trying hard enough or that I'm only making excuses. I'm not capable of social skills more than people are willing to freaking realize.

Sometimes, I think what's the point of being diagnosed with AS if no one will even take it seriously? It's like I get diagnosed and then we're supposed to forget about it. That doesn't seem right if you ask me.

Last edited by raisedbyignorance on 19 May 2009, 6:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

They don't know how to take it seriously. You are absolutely right about what they do, but I think it's all they have the capacity to do.

"Why can't you just go and talk to people?"

"I don't know"

"Do you feel nervous? anxious?"

"I don't know"

"Well then what's stopping you?"

"I don't know"

With my wonderfully detailed answers, my social issues aren't taken seriously by anyone except for my mother. People constantly tell me all that i need to do is put "effort" into it and it'll all work out. What exactly do they think i've been doing the past 24 years and all those FORCED social situations. I've learnt absolutely nothing about socialising and i still epically fail at it. I completely understand where you are coming from. I think people in general aren't able to empathsise with us, because they aren't able to switch "off" whatever allows them to socailise. You can only empathsise with things that you are able to experience yourself, and when we tell them of our problems, it requires a lot of faith in what we are saying. Asking someone to have faith in someone who completely lacks charisma is a bit of a stretch unfortunately.

YES!! !! ! this is exactly what has been on my mind as well this day!

People definitely take my AS seriously, because it is serious in the way I am disabled by it. Maybe your family is in denial? I know that my parents were in denial for most of my life. They just can't see how hard it is or how different we are.

I think it's conservative ignorance. My dad is apparently a hardcore libertarian and my mom is an old world Korean. They both have strong conservative ideas where discipline and "tough love" solves everything and that conditions like AS is a bunch of bulls**t invented by doctors to rip off people. It's just an excuse my dad makes because he's a f**king cheapstake who doesn't want to spend on money on making me a better person mentally and emotionally.

Would they complain if someone with two left feet can't dance like Nijinsky? Would they say that person could but is not trying? No. Would they accuse a hearing-impaired person of not paying attention, or a dyslexic of laziness for not reading? Probably, but out of ignorance, lack of awareness of the problem. If people can't see it, sometimes, to them it just doesn't exist.

I don't suppose it would help to tell them, as an analogy to deafness, you would be much better at socializing if you were wearing your "socializing aid"...

Exactly what I was thinking.

It's not right.
It's bizarre.

I was told to forget about it to.

What's the point if it doesn't help the individual concerned because no one else can know about it?

What's the point of having a label that causes more social stigma and thereby exacerbates the original social issues if you mention it?


It's funny.
I'm short sighted and I'm reminded of that fact every six months with a letter through the door asking me to attend a check up.

If I forgot to put my glasses on or renew my prescription, I'd be lost, literally!


Most diagnoses I've had have been treatable and medically measurable. I know exactly how short sighted I am because the optician can show me numerical measurements.

Likewise if I have a fever or high blood pressure, the doctor can show me numerically how severely I'm affected. He can then prescribe a course of action based on these readings tailored to my needs.


Not so with AS.
There's nothing numerical or physically measurable about it at all.

I havent been diagnosed yet, but im kind of afraid to. If it turns out that I actually do have AS, how would my family react? Specifically my dad's side of the family. I dont get along with them that well. They are all very "country-western", farmer/hunters. No offense to anyone who is that, but the common stereotype about the attitude those people have defenatly applies to my dad's side of the family. I honestly wouldnt be surprised if most of them were racist. I dont think they are though, but they probably wouldnt be happy if they found out I was dating someone who was black or asian. Anyway... They have very little understanding of my social anxieties. Every Christmas, I had to open up my gifts surrounded by everyone staring at me. Then they would get very upset that I wasnt showing enough happiness and thankfulness. Well gee, its kind of hard to show positive emotion when you are freaking out on the inside. Any time I would say to them "can I please open them without everyone staring at me?", they would say im being rude and unappreciative. I seriously want to get into an arguement with them one day, just to at least try to open their eyes. If anything, I get to feel better about myself for "letting them have it".

Lets say I have finally been officially diagnosed with aspergers. It wouldnt mean much to them. They probably would have some questions, maybe show a little interest. After all that is done, they will then start to complain again about how I never socialize with them or show any appreciation. Im sorry, but my idea of socializing isnt sitting on the couch for 3 hours listening to them ramble on and on about small talk, making no ackowledgement to me. If there is any acknowledgement, its never anything intellectual or about something im interested in. Im 19 years old, and I dont think they understand even that. Its always, "how's school?", "are you going to go to college?", "where are you going for college?", "did you find a job yet?", "when are you getting your driver's liscence/car?", etc. For my graduation party, im going to make a big sign that has all of these common questions they have to ask me every time I see them and the answers to the questions. That way I dont have to repeat myself over and over in the same day. Either that, or I will gather everyone together and read off an FAQ list and my answers to each of them. My mom thinks the idea is hilarious. My dad doesnt like it. He thinks its rude. Tough crap, im doing it. At least my mom and I will have a laugh.

I know how you feel. My parents are the same way. No one else can really understand what you're feeling other than those who have gone through it. I know that it's really frustrating but you can't let it get to you.

I don't think some people realize that you can give an explanation without making an excuse.

I think it's because some people automatically assume that everyone's born to socialise, because that's how they see the world from their perspective: their worlds consist of social interactions and people. Some couldn't imagine a life any other way.

Other interpretations, such as looking at detail and objects first before people, would seem strange to them because they are not used to viewing the world this way.

Someone saying that they have a lack of social ability would seem counterintuitive to them. They'd just falsely attribute this natural difference in ability to a lack of conscious effort on the other person's part.

If someone has a very different way of looking at and interpreting the world to you, it's hard to understand. This works both ways.

I hate admitting this, but I'm starting to understand how bulimics and anorexics feel about their conditions...I always thought that it was so ridiculous for girls to have an eating disorder so severe that they're convinced that they're fat even when their bones start sticking out. Whatever's going on through their heads at that point must be a serious mindf**k!

Nobody will take any of your problems seriously until you look like a sulky little child. I learned that from my bastard friend. My other ret*d friend got pissed at me for lack of sympathy, when I was just too jealous at how much attention she could get.

ive been dealing w this all my life, and never even had a diagnose or 'aspergers' being brought up.
my point to everyone was that i dont LIKE being the constant outsider, and sure, if i was 17 and out of a job, it may be pure lazyness, but now im 27. im PAST being just rebellious and lazy.

but thats what they all think, im just being "problematic" and theyre, as we speak, ALL hoping ill just "snap out" of whatever little "shenanigan" im up to for the past nearly 30 years. thats also why im probably never gonna mention aspergers for them, cus to them that would be me finally coming up w a "neat excuse" after all that time, so i can continue my worthless hobo-life w no friends and nothing to live for :]

It's sort of mind boggling to realise that everyone has a different mental filter to interpret the world with.

I was reading about the mental filters of anorexics.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/51592

How these mental filters and perfectionistic behaviours seem to be hardwired and how environmental and cultural factors trigger the "eating disorder".

So basically, as I understand it, the mental hardware is already in place.
Add the cultural mental software and the inbuilt traits are focussed on physical perfectionism.

I wonder if perhaps in the absence of a "slimming culture", the perfectionistic behaviours might be directed towards another activity?

And could those perfectionistic behaviours be redirected in a healthier way?

I'm not an expert on this, but some of the behaviours mentioned did seem OCD like.