Thoughts muddled by grief

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My cat died six months ago. I found her when she was a kitten and I was with her when she died 12 years later, her kidneys had failed and were at 12% capacity. I have two other cats but no one I had that kind of bond with. She was always my best friend and favorite and she, as well as the other cats, knew it too. She trusted me completely and was my only real friend for over a decade. When she died it felt like the end of the world. Last night I buried her in the garden after having kept her in the freezer for six months. All the sadness and the feeling of complete darkness returned. I never got over her death, I just supressed it.

Now my mind is muddled, I can't think clearly. I never had a good life but with my cat alive it was at least bearable. I used to talk to her when I had no contact with the outer world what so ever and tell her "no matter what happens it's you and me". I always knew my life was meaningless but now it's beyond meaningless. I tried for years to become "NT", my cat was always there when I was broken and in pain. After I gave up trying to become NT, the last 3-4 years I grew even closer to my cat. She became my entire reason to live.

The meaninglessness of life combined with the loss of my cat, incapacitates me even mentally. It's as if I'm losing the ability to understand written language or even think clearly. I really want to die, I don't have one single reason to live. Nothing. Still suicide feels wrong, for some reason. People mean nothing to me, not even my other cats mean that much to me. Just my special cat. I need her, I can't live without her. The past six months were just denial. I pray that God or whoever will take me soon.

It can be beyond hard to lose the kind of friend our pets become. I hope your area has a pet loss support group.
Grief chemicals mess with the hippocampus in the brain, suppressing memory and learning. Be gentle on yourself. When I am grieving and do something stupid, I remind myself to be gentle and expect to be stupid for a while. And I forgive and don't expect much from family or friends around me when they are in the grieving process. What you are going through sounds very typical. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what you know about grief. It still hurts.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Wow, that sounds rough. I used to have cats of my own.

I'm sure your cat had a lot of good times with you.