18 Nov 2009, 12:46 am
18 Nov 2009, 9:19 am
18 Nov 2009, 11:08 am
19 Nov 2009, 6:53 pm
19 Nov 2009, 7:12 pm
19 Nov 2009, 10:14 pm
showman616 wrote:
I like it.
Might be publishable even.
The only problem is youve accidently reinvented - and mashed together- two motown songs!
The temptations "Just My Imagination", and the Commodors "Brick House"!
Lol!
Thank you Might be publishable even.
The only problem is youve accidently reinvented - and mashed together- two motown songs!
The temptations "Just My Imagination", and the Commodors "Brick House"!
Lol!
lol, i was like "wait, whattt?" so i googled the lyics for those 2 songs just now.
and aside from the fact that "Just My Imagination" also has the word "dream" in it i can't find anything similar
and the only thing "Brick house" has in common at all, is the words, "brick" & "house"
and in my poem those aren't even officially in there (though they are in there if you read what the first letters of each line spells out
)
19 Nov 2009, 10:42 pm
Rose_in_Winter wrote:
Writing in rhyme can be tricky. If you want to write in rhyme, I suggest you work on the meter. Read it out loud (most poetry is meant to be read aloud). Share it with someone close who didn't write it and ask them to read it aloud. If you don't mind the bumpy meter, go with it as is; I'm someone who avoids rhyme (because when I try, it always sounds trite, so respect for you there) but spends a lot of time working on a smooth, playful or sinister meter.
Your use of language is strong. You evoke a powerful, tender image. The last line is a little teen-angsty and I think it takes away from the overall effect. Is there another way to phrase what you are saying -- I suggest trying to find one. However, if what you want to say is best said by the line you have, that's good.
It takes a lot of courage to step forward and share something as intimate as a poem. And this is by no means a bad poem. That means that you do have the potential to publish someday, but remember that most poets work and work at a poem until it says what they need it to say in the way they need it to sound. I know I write draft after draft when I'm working on one; I've found that the inelegant "raw emotion" poem is never the best it can be...but it might not be that way for you. Or maybe you did write draft after draft, and this is exactly what you want!
Your use of language is strong. You evoke a powerful, tender image. The last line is a little teen-angsty and I think it takes away from the overall effect. Is there another way to phrase what you are saying -- I suggest trying to find one. However, if what you want to say is best said by the line you have, that's good.
It takes a lot of courage to step forward and share something as intimate as a poem. And this is by no means a bad poem. That means that you do have the potential to publish someday, but remember that most poets work and work at a poem until it says what they need it to say in the way they need it to sound. I know I write draft after draft when I'm working on one; I've found that the inelegant "raw emotion" poem is never the best it can be...but it might not be that way for you. Or maybe you did write draft after draft, and this is exactly what you want!
yeah, i know the meter's a little bumpy. i couldn't make all the lines 8-syllable long like i wanted & still convey the same thing. so i had to compromise a little. but they're all 7-9 long which is close, and the flow isn't noticeably disturbed so much as a result, so i thought i'd run with it. I have alot of poems that have perfect meter though, mostly of the 8-syllable -line variety.
and the last line i only put on there to complete the hidden message that the first letters of each line spell out. & while i admit the last line does sound somewhat angsty, it follows the feeling of the rest. If i could think of a more suitable line that accomplished the same thing and also had a first word that started with the letter "U" i'd prolly switch it out though. Or if there were no hidden message, i'd just have been content to leave it without the last line entirely.
Rose_in_Winter wrote:
Your use of language is strong. You evoke a powerful, tender image
Thank you by the way, that's what i was going for when i chose the language
.
It's a type of writing i like to do, and it has personal meaning to me also.
19 Nov 2009, 11:42 pm
Hi Seanmw!
I think much the same as Rose in Winter!
The last line is a worry! Could it be overcome by the word "until" instead of "unfair"?
Good idea to read it out aloud, if possible tape it on cassette so that you can hear it, re read out aloud in various ways to see if your mood and content come across as you would wish.
I usually work and rework poems....can have them buzzing in my head in bed trying to find that exact word and/or punctuation to maximise flow and meaning.
Keep it up Sean you seem to be re- energised and finding a less cumbersome form of expression. 
20 Nov 2009, 6:04 pm
Thanks
20 Nov 2009, 7:05 pm
it's good.
i like the descriptions of the hands. esp. the "entwined fingers, palms together". just gave me a cute image.
21 Nov 2009, 1:31 pm
Spazzergasm wrote:
it's good.
i like the descriptions of the hands. esp. the "entwined fingers, palms together". just gave me a cute image.
Thank you(:
i like the descriptions of the hands. esp. the "entwined fingers, palms together". just gave me a cute image.
and yeah, i liked that part too
21 Nov 2009, 3:31 pm
21 Nov 2009, 5:06 pm
I definitely think this is worth publish, the last part of the poem had sort of touched me
21 Nov 2009, 6:00 pm
superboyian wrote:
I definitely think this is worth publish, the last part of the poem had sort of touched me
thanks.
maybe i'll ry submitting to periodicals/magazines
22 Nov 2009, 4:20 pm
23 Nov 2009, 5:05 am
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