The joke list

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Well, I havent found a compendium of aspie humor yet, so why not start one. The jokes can be about anything, just list them here. You can also comment on other peoples jokes as well. Not sure if it belongs here or in off-the-wall though, but oh well...

My list...

1) Everyone thinks humanitarians are good people and all, but just wait until you get chased by one holding a knife and a fork, with a blood-stained bib round his/her neck.

2) RAPERAPERAPERAPERAPERAPE its what the mating call of a raper-ape sounds like (just a play on words really)

I'm not sure what aspie humour is, but here's a joke:

Man: "doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The green green grass of home".
Doctor: "ah, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
Man: "is that common?"
Doctor: "it's not unusual"

In the event of a nuclear war, scientists say that only two things will survive:
1) Insects
2) The DFS sale

The advantages of easy oragami are two-fold.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three ho's! (a bit late for that one, I know )

I'll post more as I remember them...

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''


the only joke that made me laugh out loud

Some of my fave jokes:

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $100.00.
Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.




Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!




Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear In Surgery
1. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

2. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

3. Darn! Page 84 of the manual is missing!

4. Everybody stand back! I lost a contact lens!

5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy

6. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

7. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

8. Whoa, wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

9. "You know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, he's got two of them

10. What do you mean "You want a divorce?"





John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The Medical Director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital as he considered him to be okay.

The doctor told David, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died".

David replied, "Doctor he didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry".




After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I’ve had a course in first aid and I’m trained in CPR."

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I’m already here."




I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?' He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.





A woman, calling a hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Betty Sanders, in room 1012."

He said, "Oh, yes. Ms. Sanders is doing very well. In fact, she's had three meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Bertran is going to send her home the day after tomorrow."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Betty Sanders in 1012! My doctor never tells me anything."

Man walks into a shop.
Man: Can I have a Coke, please
Shopkeeper: We only have Pepsi, is that alright?
Man: Sure, hey is Monopoly money alright?

I'm starting a new bungee jumping business, Autism Speaks supporters go free, no strings attached!

A young man from the outback is called to serve in the military, and he's sent to a big city.

He has never ridden a tram before so he decides to do just that, and finaly gets the chance to do so.

Some few stops after he gets on, a young pregnant woman comes on, and as she sits down he begins to snicker.

Red-faced she gets up and sits down farther back, and now the soldier is laughing quietly.

Teary-eyed she gets up and scoots off to the very back of the tram, and now the soldier roars with laugther.

Sobbing the youn lady goes to the conductor and says: "That soldier is laughing at me, can you trow him off?"
"Sure!" says the conductor.

The very next stop the conductor goes down to the soldier and says "OUT! There is no need for you to laugh at that young woman! She's clearly in distress, and you need not add to it by your behavior!"

"I wasn't laughing at her" The soldier says.

"I could see and hear you quite clerly, boy. NOW OUT"

"Well you see", says the Soldier, "look at that advert poster you have where she first sat down. It says: The swelling is caused by ACME Baking soda"

While pointing further down the tram the soldier says "Then look over there, where she sat down next. The advert reads "The preliminary work was done by the Brothers Hansen"."

"And finally look at the advert you have in the very back: You could have avoided this if you used ACME Rubbers"

I love divergent humor, especially involving wordplay. The origami joke is, is... words can't describe how awesome that joke is.

Here are some of mine (actually mine, not just repeating something I heard). I'll admit they aren't the best jokes on the planet, and some of them need polishing, but this is the kind of stuff that goes through my head anyway, so I recently decided to start writing some of it down.

Apparently, when you get Alzheimer's Disease, you repeat phrases you said earlier in life without really thinking about it. It is for this reason alone that I intend to make one of my signature catchphrases, "I'm going Algernon here." I mean, my kids should at least get a laugh every now and then, right?

The first time I heard about Venetian blinds, it really tripped me out. I didn't even know there was life on Venus, let alone a booming industry.

I like to masturbate, but I'm a very sexually repressed person, so I usually give myself the date-rape drug first.

I'm starting a movement in the vein of the 9/11 Truthers. It's called the Spoofer movement. Let's all spread the word that 9/11 was an inside joke.

That's all I have right now. One of my goals is to actually put together a rant-syle act a la Doug Stanhope, Bill Hicks, etc. and see how it plays out.

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man
who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray,
twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to the Wailing Wall to check it out, and there he was.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes,
when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN.
Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years".

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the hatred to stop,
and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"Sir, how do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to the #*(!<ing wall."

A traveling salesman goes up to a farmhouse and knocks on the door. It's answered by an 8 year old boy wearing a bra, panties, garter belt, and stockings, smoking a cigar and drinking a bottle of whiskey...

The salesman says, "Ah... sonny, is your mom home?"

The boy looks at him, blows cigar smoke in his face and says, "What the f**k do you think?"

Can you give me a push?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.