I used to work with a guy called Dave Kiernan. Whenever things went wrong, he would say to me in a serious voice, "Well, we know the problem; we just don't know the solution."
"What's the problem then, Dave?" I would ask.
"The problem is... they're all c*nts!".
I never tired of this analysis and it used to make people laugh.
My Dad once described an egotistical colleague thus:
"If you've got a black cat, he's got a blacker b-stard..".
The other put-down I love is Winston Churchill's reply to Lady Astor when she accused him of being drunk:
"Yes, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober!".
Mountain Biking UK has a cartoon strip called Mint Sauce, drawn by Jo Burt, based around the adventures of a cycling sheep. It veers between psychedelia, humour and melancholy. For example, the cartoon skies feature the Love and Reality Squadrons, who fly flower-power bi-planes and grey jet fighters respectively. Mint's best friend is a stoical cow called Coleman, who once transformed into a bovine superhero called the Fantastic Formidable Fearless Fuschia Fresian (Fx5). Other characters include Death, a hippy sheep called Chipko, Mint's girlfriend (sheepfriend?) Oonagh, the Spirit of Summer, woodland sprites, a rabbit glove-puppet called Harrison and a range of hills (the Mendip Brothers) with their friend Roger the Raincloud. It has the ability to make me laugh out loud and to cry. On top of the general wonderfulness of it all, Jo hides little sayings and song lyrics in tiny writing around the borders. Here are a few of my favourites:
Living on dreams and custard creams.
And you hear the echo of your "I love you!" bounce around the empty hills.
Does your tea sometimes smell of garlic?
Convenience is no substitute for love.
I know my heart's in the right place, because I hid it there.
Here are a couple of random (non-humourous) lines of my own:
The autonomy paradox.
Bucolic contentment in imaginary sun-drenched fields.
And lastly, a Super Furry Animals lyric:
"And sunny days in January, left spaces in my diary".
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The Sociable Hermit says:
Rock'n'Roll...