dunbots wrote:
Dnuos wrote:
I just kind of hate everything. f**k it all.
I feel like I've wasted my entire childhood running away from all of my problems that I was too helpless to control... and I don't care if I'm 18, I don't see the chance to start over again, I want to keep running away. Escapism.
And in the next hour or so I'll probably get pissed off about something mild and hate things even more. I think I'm starting to develop more Borderline Personality Disorder characteristics lately. Basically, I'm going crazy... some schizophrenic characteristics, some obsessive-compulsive characteristics, some others, and just a bunch of social anxiety and depression just all over the place.
I feel the exact same as you. I just want to run far away from here, away from everybody I hate.
Pretty much.
Maybe... actually, lately I can just describe it as a mindf**k. I'm convinced no one could ever like me, even as a friend. The notion of anyone ever
loving me, on the other hand, is a joke, I don't believe in love anymore. I've never felt it. It's an illusion. Or a conspiracy? Could be. Nevertheless, I'm just in a trap; I'm convinced no one cares about me. A pretty depressing perception. That perception became my reality for years, and now it's being shook upside down. Apparently, others really do care about me? I'm offended by this. That's not fair to me or them, they deserve better than to deal with me. "Go away! No, come back! No one was there for me... wait, why are they here now? That's preposterous! Don't waste your time, just leave. Wait, don't leave me!" Then there's "God"; I'm not content with the idea of him loving me like all others. I'd just be a burden. Now, I have opportunities to make friends, for once, an opportunity. I thought I longed for it, but forget it, I don't want it, I just want to run away! To keep causing myself loneliness.
Just the beginning of this psycho/theolo/philosophical mess...
God, I need to see a therapist so bad lol... next Monday can't come soon enough. Hopefully by then I haven't been triggered by anything to make me suicidal or self-injurious. The latter I'd probably jump right towards if there was no one who cared about me, no one watching to make sure I don't do it.
I want to run away. :S
I hope this qualifies as bitching and moaning. If not "Haven"-worthy. But meh, I'm not quite a "true aspie" so I wouldn't be welcome to post there or something. God only knows if I have that diagnosed, my current official diagnoses are outdated by now and likely incorrect, and awkward, and a true list of my current diagnoses would be a mess. But the aspie-ness doesn't really seem to go beyond personality traits... not that I have a good idea of what my personality is, anyways.