Alright, I don't use this forum as much as I should. I love the positive feedback and I do need the help with something recent on my mind. Here we go...
I've been struggling with who and what I am for a long time now. Never quite sure what my presence was, guys or girls. Even my mentality has been up for question. I don't get along with guys, don't buy in to the whole masculine outlook or even masculinity in general. As a guy, I feel different and it has helped with my usual social awkwardness. I'd rather have deep discussions with someone about something generally important, whether personal or social or political. I worry a lot about silly and unimportant decisions, like if I look right on a certain day, or if people like me or not, etc. This isn't fake, though I could totally see someone seeing it as such. I generally feel now that I'm sort of in between genders.
As far as my sexual preference, its straight. I know that, and I won't get into this. Just feel like it should be said. I'm open, but my preference drifts towards females.
I'm afraid that I may just be jumping on a band wagon, because I do have a tendency to unwillingly follow them. This feels right though, and it is something that has continually been on my mind. Along with what may be autistic qualities, I've always been fairly feminine. It's hard to cope with because I generally don't know anyone like me. I'm finally seeing a shrink after a long time, and trust me there are a lot of issues I need to cope with along with this.
My dad had to be the Mom and Dad in our family, while my Mom was a victim of her own illness (Multiple Sclerosis). I had no expectations, no responsibility, nothing. I was pampered up until my father died, where I had to take care of the family. The whole thing has left me jaded and confused. Am I gender neutral? And does anyone else feel like this? It is something I can't quite grasp, maybe someone can help me with this
26 Oct 2011, 5:31 pm
