Lexophiles - fun wordplay with wit!

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1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Anyone have any more they'd like to add?

I don't know but some of those are pretty bad in a good way. Good meaning hand to the head bad.

A busy baker needs a three-loaf-cleaver.


Sylkat

I don't have any to add, I'm just here to thank you for providing this serving of cheese. Thumbs up to you, sir.

I know you've heard this already, but Mother Teresa was known as being very holy. As she grew older, she was plagued by heart trouble and she was very petite and not very strong looking. She took a vow of poverty which kept her from buying new sandals as often as she needed them and she had the same problem with replacing her toothbrushes.

So she was a super-calloused, fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Dear Mindsigh,
That was splendid!

Sylkat

I went to the deli counter but couldn't decide what to buy, I felt hambivolent.

I have a morbid fear of quilted coats. The doctor says I have anoraknophobia.

Said Mummy tern to baby tern, "Would you like a brother?". Said baby tern to Mummy tern, "Yes, one good tern deserves another."

I'm fed up with wearing quilted coats. The doctor says I'm anoraksick.

Three convicts escaped when the prison van was in collision with a concrete lorry. Police are looking for three hardened criminals.

A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying blue paint. Ten sailors have been marooned.

I was talking to a man who had custard and sponge in one ear and jelly and cream in the other. He said "speak up, I'm a trifle deaf!"

I met him again the following day, and he had kippers as earrings. He explained "it's my herring aid".

My ears are starting to bleed. Though good job mindsigh.

I love the posts from Mindsigh and baranbear, especially the ships colliding one. Wordplay is fun!

I hope noone on here has the Joking disease.(Real Disease)

I wish I'd actually thought of that one myself. I've heard it with Gandhi too.

I've thought of some original ones but never when I can write them down . I need some of those washable crayons to write on the bathroom wall with while I'm in the shower. That's where I do some of my best thinking, but I can't seem to keep a dirty mind.

Oh my god when is it going to stop raining jokes from dane cook land.

I've been awake for 16 hours and counting, and reading these gave me the first smile and laugh all day. Thanks guys

I need to bleed more.

Those who run in front of cars become tired. Those who run behind cars become exhausted.

Oh Tophat. Stop Stop no more AHHHHHHHHHH.