How do you like this story?

Post Reply New Topic

I wrote a draft for my blog but don't know if I should publish it, because I'm not sure if it's funny and cute, or childish and boring. Here it is. But the pictures wouldn't come through.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the best Turkish Van movie of all times, The Flea-Ridden And The Restless. Seeing that it's the only movie of such nature, it has to be the best. Although some may argue this leads to the inevitable conclusion that it's also the worst, but I like to keep an optimistic and positive attitude.

Meet the characters; Chichip, Chichip's mother, The Beaver, and the beautiful and uncontrollable Clawstrong.

Chichip is kidnapped by The Beaver before he has a chance to open his eyes, so he believes his mother is the mafia lord who builds illegal dams and lets rats and mice use them as hotels. Chichip is a bit confused by the fact that his 'mother' is male, and a beaver, but he never questions being the son of The Beaver, who holds him hostage, a guarantee that his mother won't talk. She's a Turkish Van who knows too much and likes sticking her nose into others' businesses, and her human's slippers.

Clawstrong is a beautiful female cop of Turkish Van origin, who's sent by Sergeant O'whiskers to investigate complaints from a family of mice about the horrible conditions in the Beaver's dams, after an incident in which the mice almost drowned.

Chichip wants to protect The Beaver, but he can't help but fall in love with breathtaking Clawstrong. Things accelerate when Chichip must chose where his loyalty his, during an incidence in which Calwstrong and The Beaver fight in a children playground.

Chichip climbs the slide, slides down, and slams against The Beaver, throwing him off Clawstrong. The Beaver is thrown backwards and falls on a music box that starts playing, 'Uncle Moses has a farm.'

"I treated you like a son!" The Beaver howls. "And this is how the ungrateful kitten repays his father! May you be haunted by the ghosts of all the mice you've ever killed, forever."

Pause. Dramatic music filled with long hisses and low growls. Turkish Van music.

"You're not my mother!" Chichip yells. "You're a guy, and I don't look like you. You're a rodent!"

Stunned silence, and then...

"You son of a feline," The Beaver screams. "You don't know who your father is. Your mother has dated all the cats in the neighborhood, and each and every one of your littermates has a different father."

Enraged by this insult (although it's true), Chichip leaps at the creature he's called mother all his life (eleven months). Chichip and The Beaver roll on the ground, biting, clawing, screaming. Chichip spits in The Beaver's eyes, and the creature falls on a balloon, which explodes with a loud sound that sends the fearless Chichip and Clawstrong running for their lives.

To top it all off, windows open in the nearest building, and a human screams, "Not those bloody cats again, screaming at three o'clock in the morning." Next, a slipper is launched, getting Chichip in the head.

Clawstrong, who loves slippers, chases the slipper into the bushes, where she's confronted by Chichip's mother. One look in her face tells Chichip all he wants to know. She's the mirror image of him.

But Chichip's mother tells him she has forty five kittens all over town by now, and can't be bothered with him. He's over a month old, way past the time when mother cats abandon their kittens.

Heartbroken Chichip raises his velvety head to the heaven and howls until the leaves from the nearest mandarin tree falls from their branches. Thinking about the three and a half weeks he could've spend with his mother, the weeks The Beaver had stolen from him.

Half-mad with the urge for revenge, he tears after The Beaver, and Clawstrong runs beside him. Chichip calls for help, and Sergeant O'whiskers and some of his cops join the chase.

The Beaver runs into a movie star's yard and hauls himself into the huge swimming pool. "I'm the one who taught this sofa-shredder how to hunt his first mouse," he growls as he swims toward the other side. "And this is what I get in return. But no one gets The Beaver. That worthless Turk won't come after the river's lord. Cats hate water."

But when The Beaver climbs out of the pool, Clawstrong and Chichip leap on him from the bushes, accompanied by sergeant O'whiskers and other Turkish Vans.

"The fool." Chichip whispers. "That mafia lord forgot one thing. Turkish Vans love to swim."

T h e E n d

Now playing in your backyard.

Are the characters mostly cats?